What if Almost Everybody was Shirou's Servant
by Mereo Flere
Summary: Shirou broke Heaven's Feel by accidentally summoning six servants.
1. I can't believe you're my master!

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" by Mereo Flere

Chapter 1

XXX

"Onii-chan, wake up. It's time for your execution."

Emiya Shirou thought that he was a pretty nice guy. At the very least he couldn't think of any reason he would have made any enemies – even Shinji, who occasionally complained about his sister visiting him too often, was still on speaking terms with him. He had been sure that he had not wronged anybody on purpose and if he had then certainly not to the degree of making people want to kill him.

And yet, here he was, in his bedroom dressed in his pajamas…staring at the girl who had just barged into his home in the dead of night. Though it took a moment he realized he couldn't even recognize her, and if he had ever met a girl that had the kind of long white hair and red eyes she had he definitely would have recalled her. To begin with, you only saw that kind of character in an anime or a game – and it seemed a little unreal for one to invade her room like she did.

"I see, I haven't woken up yet," he said with a nod. He had to admit, however, that there was probably something wrong with him, if he dreamt about little girls running into his room calling him Onii-chan when he didn't even have a sister. He wasn't perverted like Shinji was – at least he didn't think he was.

"On the bright side, at least it isn't _that_ kind of dream. She's only trying to kill me, after all."

The girl stared back at him, before giggling. "You're so silly Onii-chan. However," she continued, her lips forming a mischievous smile. "You really should wake up."

All of a sudden, a grey giant appeared beside his bed – standing over Shirou with a stern expression. Before the young man could even react to the mountain of muscle seeming to materialize out of thin air his shirt was grabbed by a massive hand that raised Shirou into the air. Then, with an almost lazy throw, the giant tossed Shirou through the bedroom door.

Ilya whistled appreciatively after watching Shirou sail over her head. Then, just as Shirou picked himself up off of the ground she walked over – taking in the expression on his face as he shakily got back onto his feet. As he realized, quite painfully, that this wasn't a dream after all, the shock and confusion slowly turned to dread and panic.

"Just wait a second," he said hastily. "Look I don't even know who you are – I haven't even seen you before today!"

"Ah, of course," the girl said with a covered gasp, as though that fact had just been pointed out. Then, she curtsied politely before him, as though she hadn't just told him that he was going to be killed just moments before. "I'm Ilyasviel von Einzbern, and this is my servant Berserker."

"That's not really the issue here," Shirou said, honestly not caring what his killers' names would be. "Look, I bet you don't even know who I am!"

"You're Emiya Shirou, aren't you Onii-chan?" Ilya asked, tilting her head curiously.

He blinked. "Well…yes."

"Then you're the person I'm looking for after all."

If he could have risked it, Shirou would have face palmed right there.

"Okay," he said, getting more unnerved about the situation the longer their conversation went – but at least the longer they talked the longer he had to think about it. How had she even gotten past the alarm without him knowing? Or better yet – "So you know who I am, but why are you trying to kill me?"

"Ah, times up," Ilya said, looking at a nonexistent watch on her wrist. "The time for questions is up – you should start running if you want to live."

Shirou looked at her, and then to the man called Berserker behind her. Sometime during their discussion the giant had pulled out a giant axe club from nowhere – and it was simple enough to understand what Berserker planned to do with it. Though it hurt simply to look at the sharp, jagged edges of the weapon, it would be far worse actually feel it dig into him as it tore him apart, however quickly it would be.

"Well," the girl said, raising a brow. "What are you waiting for?"

This girl was serious. She was seriously going to kill him.

"Run."

XXX

Emiya Shirou ran for his life. Scrambling through his house, he hoped that the giant's size would get in the way of the attempted murder in progress. He had no such luck today, however. As he ran sounds of crashing – of walls being torn open as if they were made of paper, could clearly be heard behind him, usually followed by a guttural, almost inhuman roar. Against his better judgment he glanced over his shoulder to see his greatest fear confirmed – Berserker was simply charging through any obstacles, in a straight line towards the boy. Berserker didn't even need to swing his sword to knock things away; he simply went through them as though he were a bulldozer, and the man only continued to catch up with him.

Suddenly, Shirou decided he had to change his plan. Changing directions, he broke towards his household's backyard, hoping that he could at least get to his workhouse. At least there he could find some sort of improvised weapon, even though he couldn't be sure just how effective it would be against his assailant. Still, it was better than just being run down like road kill.

He dashed barefoot across the empty field. In his mind, he counted down the meters until he would reach the workhouse doors – trying to ignore the quickly shrinking distance between him and the enemy behind him.

Twenty meters.

Fifteen meters.

Ten.

As he neared the door, he felt hope rise inside of his chest. For a moment, he believed that he might stand a chance of making through it alive.

It was naïve, however. Dropping out of the sky, a familiar figure landed in the ground in front of me, a few cracks forming in the earth where he had fallen. Shirou barely stopped himself in time avoid crashing into the servant, luckily tumbling out of the way when the axe club swung down into the space he had occupied just a second earlier.

He rolled back onto his feet immediately, but froze when he noticed Berserker wasn't following up his attack. Though he knew he should keep running, he finally understood that it wouldn't matter if he tried. He was completely at the mercy of Berserker's whims.

"You've already given up running Onii-chan?" a disappointed voice behind him asked.

No wait – not Berserker's whims. The girl's.

Shirou didn't dare turn around to face the girl and turn his back to Berserker. If he was going to die, he'd die facing his killer. "This is just a game to you, isn't Ilyasviel?"

"I was hoping I could see you run around a little longer."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"Well then, if you're not going to play…Berserker, finish him!"

The servant looked at Shirou, raising its club high into the air. Shirou rose to his feet, ready to meet it.

"Just to make sure," he asked, hoping to clear one last thing up. "It's only me you're after, right?"

"If you're worried about your friends – don't worry. I only came after you tonight, Onii-chan."

"Ah…well that's good."

The axe club came down. Shirou closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable, but the inevitable never happened. Instead, what came were a sound of stone against steel and a wave of air harmlessly passing over him.

He opened one eye, and then another. Standing between him and Berserker were six new figures. Two of them, a pair of swordsmen – one a samurai, the other an armored knight - used their blades to lock Berserker's weapon in place. Another, a blindfolded woman in an amazingly short dress, wielded a chain that was wrapped around the axe club, helping hold it down. Yet another, a spearman dressed in blue held a blood red lance at the man's throat. Finally, another two, a cloaked figure and a man in a red coat, stood off to either side – simply watching the giant.

Behind him, he heard Ilyasviel gasp in horror. Whoever these people were, it was clear she saw them as an enemy as well. Before he could ask what was going on, however, Berserker roared – tossing aside the obstacles that had gotten in his way. Then, breaking through the line of Shirou's mysterious allies, he barreled towards Ilya, picking her up before jumping away.

"So, they got away," the man in red said, sounding amused.

"Quiet, it's not like you did anything!" the blue one shouted, rising back onto his feet.

"Of course. I thought you guys would be able to handle things fine. Forgive me for overestimating you."

"Why you…"

"Though I loathe letting them go," the knight interjected before an argument could explode between them. Now that Shirou looked closer, he could tell that she was a young woman. "It would be unwise to chase after them, as disorganized as we are."

"Speaking of which," the samurai said. "How did this even happen?"

The man in red shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe our friend here screwed up the summoning ritual so much he accidentally managed a miracle."

"Not that I don't appreciate your help," Shirou said, finally speaking up. "But…just what's going on?"

The six figures turned to him, exchanging a few looks between them. "I suppose there's no point in delaying it, after all. We have to do _that,_" the spearman said, shrugging.

"Hey – don't ignore me!"

"Ah, yes, _that_," the samurai said with a smile, as if he were intentionally trying to annoy Shirou.

"What do you guys mean by _that_?"

"Of course, of course, _that_ is very important," the man in red said, this time definitely trying to annoy Shirou.

"What they mean by _that _is a question we must ask of you," the knight said, giving the other servants a stern look.

"A question?" Shirou asked, blinking.

"Are you my master?" the cloaked figure asked, finally speaking up for the first time.

"Are you my master?" repeated the samurai.

"Are you really my master?" asked the spearman, raising a brow.

"I can't believe you're my master!" the man in red said, exasperated.

"At least do this properly!" chided the knight, before adding, "Are you my master?"

"Yes, yes, are you my master?" the man said.

"...there is no reason to ask," the blindfolded woman said, as the others looked towards her for her turn. "This man is without a doubt my master."

Shirou stared at the group. "To be honest, none of that helped me figure out what is happening at all."


	2. That was a joke

Tohsaka Rin made it no secret that she fancied herself as a genius – and she was entirely correct. Whether it was as a student, as a practitioner of majutsu, or even as a martial artist, there were very few people she knew that could hold a candle to her. However, she certainly wasn't infallible, and she was prone to making mistakes. Not all the time, but when something went wrong it went terribly wrong.

And today, something had gone terribly, _terribly_ wrong.

For instance, today she had forgotten to set the clocks back because of Daylight Savings Time. That little, inconsequential mistake caused her to wake up an hour earlier than she wanted to, go to school an hour earlier than she had planned and, perhaps most tragically, she _almost_ missed the timing of her greatest hour of power. It was a mistake only an amateur would make, and it would have cost her dearly when she had tried to summon her desired servant, Saber.

Yet, even after preparing the ritual, reciting the words, and doing everything that she had been required to do for the summoning…nothing came out. Sure, there was a bright red light that appeared as she finished the last step, but even that flickered for a moment before dying completely. Unless her servant was invisible, she had failed to summon anything at all; not even the command seals, which were supposed to carve themselves onto her body, had made their presence known.

"…no, that can't be right…"

She double checked the clocks and made sure she had started the spell when she reached the height of her power. Even if she had done something wrong (which she was sure she hadn't), her own magical power would have compensated for an imperfect ritual for her. Maybe she wouldn't have summoned the servant she was after, or maybe something would go wrong and it would end up in a different location than she had expected, but for the summoning ritual to completely fizzle out…? In the past, people had even managed to summon servants completely on accident – so why couldn't she?

Just to make sure she had done things properly, she redid the ritual. The same thing happened: No summoning, no command seals, and most of all no servant.

Something was wrong.

"Argh!" she yelled in frustration. How in the world had this even happened? Though she hated to go to Kotomine for help, she had no choice in the matter.

"What do you mean all seven servants have already been summoned? You told me there had only been one summoned up until today."

"I was quite surprised as well," the priest said, on the other side of the phone call. He genuinely seemed surprised, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice that irked Rin to no end. "It seems that just half an hour ago the last six servants were summoned."

"All of them?"

"Yes. All of them, at the same time apparently."

Her heart sank. Then… "Wait, you said half an hour ago?"

"Yes. Unfortunately, if you wanted to summon a servant it seems that you should have done it…oh, about an hour ago."

A moment passed. Then, Kotomine had to pull the phone away from his ear as he heard an incomprehensible scream come out through the line.

Doing his best not to let Rin hear him chuckle, he decided to settle for a small smile on his face.

XXX

Emiya Shirou hadn't gone to bed yesterday expecting to be attacked by a small girl and a giant man wielding a weapon bigger than most people. He also hadn't expected to be saved by a group of six people calling them servants, right when he thought he was going to die; this, he wasn't really going to complain about since he particularly enjoyed not being killed.

People die when they are killed, you know.

He also hadn't expected to spend the next hour sitting in his destroyed living room, sitting around a table that was far too small for the group gathered, listening to his saviors proclaim themselves to be his servants and talk about something called a Holy Grail War. It was a lot to take in, however.

At the very least, he figured out what their names were…or rather, what they called themselves. The female knight was called Saber, the blue spearman was called Lancer. The main in red, despite not wielding any visible bow, called himself Archer, and amazingly the samurai wasn't called Katana or Samurai but, instead, Assassin. The cloaked figure, who removed her hood to reveal the face of a blue haired woman with pointed ears named herself as Caster, which Shirou presumed meant that she could cast spells, and the woman with a blindfold bore the name Rider.

Each one was a servant meant to aid their master in a war against other servants and masters. Normally, each team was a pair, like Ilyasviel and Berserker had been.

"I take it this is highly unusual then," Shirou said, glancing around the people he had summoned, "For one master to call out six servants."

"More than one generally doesn't happen," Saber admitted, clearly worried about these turn of events. "But fortunately, it's a mystery that works in your favor."

"My favor…huh…"

"Yes," Caster said softly, though it sounded as though she was still trying to make sense of it like Shirou was. "With six servants at your side, and one enemy, this should be a particularly quick war."

"I don't particularly like the idea of ganging up on a girl and her oversized attack dog," Lancer said, scowling.

"Neither do I," Assassin said, nodding in agreement. "However, if it's what the master desires…"

"I don't think he knows what he wants himself," Archer said, crossing his arms. "It doesn't seem like he even understands what kind of situation he's in."

"No, I think I get it," Shirou said, holding up a hand. "I summoned all of you somehow, and now we have to defeat that girl's Berserker before we can receive the Holy Grail."

"More or less," Archer said. "However, due to you summoning so many of us at once, it appears that we are…weakened."

"Weakened?"

"Yes. Generally, one master supports one servant," Caster said, taking control of the explanation. "To support six servants would mean dividing the power each one received by six. Even if one was an extraordinary magus-"

"Which he clearly isn't," Archer interjected. "I can't believe our master is this weak."

"-each of his servants would still be severely underprovided for," Caster continued, ignoring Archer. "To compensate for this, it appears that our strength has been diminished from what it should have been. It seems likely that, even with the six of us working together, we would have a tough battle ahead of us if we challenged Berserker head on."

"That is, _if_ the six of us can even work together," Lancer said, shooting a look towards Archer and Caster. Caster simply ignored him, while Archer shrugged.

"So this girl, Ilyasviel," Shirou said, thinking back to the attack. "She attacked me because I became part of this war?"

"Probably not, Master," Rider said, kneeling before Shirou. "After all, she attacked you before you summoned any of us, and she seemed surprised when you did manage to call us."

"Anybody would," Shirou pointed out. "When all six of you appeared at once."

"In any case, whatever her reasons for trying to kill you are, it isn't likely because you were going to be or even could have been a master."

Shirou sighed. So, it seemed he still had no idea why Ilyasviel had attacked him out of nowhere or anything else about her at all. The only thing he understood was that she happened to be a master in the same war he was supposed to fight in now, and that she could come back at any time.

"So, what will you do now, Master?" Saber asked, her eyes seeming to pierce through Shirou. "Shall we go after Ilyasviel and Berserker?"

"No, let's not," Shirou said, shaking his head. "I don't particularly like trying to kill a little girl even after she tried to kill me. War or no war, we can wait for her to come to us."

"But…"

"There's no guarantee that she'll even come back, right?"

"I highly doubt she'll give up after trying to kill you once, Master," Saber said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

XXX

"Okay, we have a serious problem," Shirou said.

"Is it the fact that there's a tiny little girl with a giant mountain of muscle out to kill you?" Archer asked.

"Well, that's part of it, but that's not what I meant."

"Is it about the fact that there's berserker shaped holes in most of the walls of your house?"

"Okay, that needs to be taken care of too, but-"

"Or is it the fact that you have no idea what you're doing."

"That's a little harsh isn't it? I mean, I just got thrown into this today and-"

"Wait, I've got it – it's a school night and you have a biology test in the morning that you forgot about until I mentioned it and you haven't studied for at all."

"No, well, yes…how did you even know that?"

Archer smirked knowingly, before shrugging. That guy was really starting to annoy Shirou.

"Oh, okay, I admit it. We have a lot of serious problems," Shirou said, sighing. To be honest, he wasn't sure what he had done to piss the guy off – they hadn't even known each other for more than a couple of hours. Then again, he hadn't even known about Ilya at all before she had tried to kill him, but at least Archer didn't seem like he would attack him. One of the first things the servants explained to him was that if the master died the servant would also disappear.

It wasn't like Archer would ever want to kill himself, would he?

"Archer…" Saber said strongly, tapping her finger against the table a few times to get the man's attention. "Perhaps you should let our Master finish talking."

"If you insist."

"Thank you, Saber," Shirou said, smiling. She simply stared back at him, waiting for what he had to say; already, he had begun to understand that she was probably the most serious of his servants. "Anyway – we have a lot of serious problems. However, one of them is the fact that I've got people coming over soon."

"People?" Lancer said, smiling wryly at the boy. "In the middle of the night? I admit, you seemed like the prudish sort, but-"

"Ah, that's not what I meant," Shirou said quickly, laughing weakly. "It's just my friend's sister and my teacher."

"Even more impressive!"

"It's just for breakfast," he said, noting the slight look of disappointment of Lancer's face when he found out that his master wasn't some sort of Casanova calling over a harem. "But they'll be here in a few hours."

"Understood," Rider said, nodding her head. "I will try to make the best impression that I can when greeting them, Master."

"No – that's not it at all," Shirou said, holding up a hand. He felt a little silly when he realized that she probably wouldn't be able to see the gesture since her eyes were covered, but he couldn't just let her go walk up to Sakura or Taiga and introduce herself as a servant. "To be honest, I don't think I know quite how I'll explain…"

"Everything?" Assassin added helpfully.

"Yes," Shirou said, nodding. "Everything."

"Understood," Rider said. "I will simply explain to them that we are your mistresses."

"I see," Saber said, surprisingly agreeing to Rider's plan. For some reason, Shirou had imagined that it would go against her honor or tarnish her pride, or something. Not that that was a good thing at the moment. "Truly, it would be the most logical reason for some of us to suddenly appear and also stay by his side – but it would not explain Archer, Lancer, or Assassin."

Rider looked at Saber, and for a moment Shirou could swear she blinked at the knight. Then, after a moment of thought, she tilted her head and said, "What would be the masculine version of mistresses?"

"Masters?" Assassin added helpfully.

"Ah. But Shirou is our only master."

Lancer's eye twitched. "Now, wait just a second! I don't mind if you guys pretend to be sleeping with him, but don't lump me into your group!"

"Then what should we call you?"

"At least call me a bodyguard! That's what essentially we're doing anyway, protecting him!"

"If that's the way we want to go," Assassin said, stroking his chin sagely, "Then we should call Master Shirou 'Aniki' in order to better fit in with this era."

"In that case, I too would prefer to be called a bodyguard," Saber said.

Shirou face palmed. "You guys…are making me out to sound like some sort of yakuza boss."

"It's still better than being labeled a manwhore, though, isn't it?" Lancer said, crossing his arms.

"Well…yes," Shirou admitted. "But somehow, this still seems like it's going to backfire on us."

"Then it's settled, _Aniki_. It's not like you have any better ideas, do you?"

"Could you guys just, I don't know…hide?"

"Hide where?" Archer asked, sounding amused by the whole conversation. "In case you forgotten, there are more holes in your house than a slice of Swiss cheese." To emphasize his point, he gestured to the wall behind him…and then in front of him, and then just everywhere in general.

Shirou groaned. "Okay, okay, I get your point. I don't even know how I'm going to handle that…"

"About that," Caster said, raising a hand. "I can probably manage to take care of that."

The other six people in the room turned to Caster – though only Shirou himself seemed to be surprised. "Really?" he asked.

"I _am_ a witch after all, though this is rather basic. You can do something simple as fixing things with your spells too, can't you?"

"Actually…"

"Just take that as a no," Archer said.

"…well, in any case, I can handle it if you wish."

"That would be very helpful, thank you."

XXX

With Caster's magic, they were able to repair most of the damage to his household. Unfortunately, it took some time going through each room and taking inventory of what was broken – and they were on a tight schedule as it was. Fortunately, with the others helping sort things out, they had managed to put everything back in its place.

Amazingly, Archer of all people seemed to figure out where things were supposed to go even before Shirou said anything. To be honest, Shirou had started to get a sneaking suspicion that the man was psychic; it would certainly explain how he somehow managed to preempt Shirou so often. He wouldn't complain though. Despite his attitude, he really did need the help getting things in order.

He looked at the clock and sighed in relief when he realized they finished with some time to spare. With a smile, he turned to his servants to congratulate them for a job well done, even if it was only cleaning up. It was then, however, that he realized that Rider had strayed from the rest of the group – and it was also then that he heard the front door slide open.

"Ah!" came the surprised shout of his underclassmen. "W-who are you?"

"Oh," came Rider's voice from the same direction, equally surprised, though lacking the confusion that Sakura's had. "I…am Master Shirou's mistress."

Shirou froze for a moment, hoping that he had only imagined Rider saying that.

"S-Shirou's mistress?" Shirou heard Sakura ask, apparently hoping that she had misheard things as well.

After a moment, which Shirou imagined Rider spent nodding, his servant said, with even more confidence than before, "Yes, you heard correctly. I am Master Shirou's mistress."

"Master Shirou…Mistress…" Sakura said, her voice seeming to wobble. Then -

**-THUD-**

- something fell onto the floor.

"I think you should go check up on your friend," Assassin said, smiling weakly at his master.

"I…I think I should too," Shirou said shakily, before taking off towards the entrance.

By the time he arrived there, his fears were confirmed. Though Rider had already picked up Sakura from the floor, he could tell that she was simply hanging limply from the servant's arms.

"She fainted," Rider explained.

"Yes, I see that she did," Shirou said.

XXX

When Sakura woke up, she was lying on the living room floor – her head resting on somebody's lap. Though she couldn't remember falling asleep inside of Shirou's house, she didn't complain about getting a chance to lay her head on her upperclassmen's legs. She was sure that the two of them would have to leave for class soon, so this was a rare opportunity that she wouldn't waste.

Nonetheless, though she was trying to pretend to be asleep, her eyes closed as tightly as she could make them, she couldn't help but smile softly when her senpai started to run a hand through her hair, playing with it a little like she had dreamed of him doing so many times before. It was then that she was glad that she took careful care everyday –conditioning it to make sure it was soft and smooth just for a moment like this. Then, when she felt her senpai lean over – his own long hair tickling her face, she suppressed a giggle and…

…

Wait. Her senpai didn't have long hair. In fact, it was pretty short.

Immediately her eyes opened, and she bolted up – going from a lying down position to standing up in less than a second. She threw an accusatory finger at the person she had been resting on, seeing it was the same woman she had seen at the entrance.

"Y-you!"

"Yes?" Rider replied, tilting her head slightly.

It took a moment, but the words Rider had said flooded back into Sakura's memory. "You…you're the mistress!"

"Ah…yes," Rider said, bowing her head. "That was a joke," she continued, as though she had rehearsed that line carefully.

XXX

From the kitchen, Shirou heard the scream come from the living room and cringed. Even though he had just gotten his apron on, hoping to have something prepared to eat by the time Sakura woke up, it seemed that she wouldn't

"You can't run from it forever," Lancer said with a grin, patting the smaller guy on the shoulder. "You shouldn't be in the kitchen anyway, when your girlfriend was knocked out. She seemed to take it pretty hard, after all."

Shirou didn't bother to correct him and simply nodded. It seemed he wouldn't be able to procrastinate on explaining his new friends after all. Actually, he wasn't sure why he thought it would be a good idea to leave Sakura alone with Rider in the first place.

Walking into the living room, he was relieved to see that Sakura hadn't fainted again. Instead, she had simply frozen in place as though she had been petrified, pointing a finger at Rider. He stared at the sight for a few disbelieving seconds, wondering if Sakura would even blink if enough time passed. Rider, for the most part, remained composed; too composed, really, all things considered. The servant simply stared at Shirou's friend with a curious expression on her face…from what he could see of her face, anyway.

Finally he coughed, catching Sakura's attention. Immediately, she unfroze, turning to Shirou with a panicked expression. "Senpai! I can't believe you had a mistress!"

"Didn't Rider tell you that she was making a joke?" Shirou asked, looking to the servant who nodded.

"Who would believe that, when she's dressed like that?"

Shirou winced. He knew he had forgotten something – the funny thing about Heroic Spirits was that they all seemed to stand out. Saber wore armor, Lancer wore a bodysuit, and Assassin was dressed like someone straight out of an old samurai movie. Archer and Caster could probably pass as normal if they removed their coats and cloaks – though, they still stood out in other ways.

Rider, however would have the hardest time fitting in. Her dress seemed impossibly short, and with those thigh high boots and blindfold he could understand why Sakura didn't seem to believe Rider, now of all times.

"I-it's just the fashion overseas," he said, though he couldn't imagine any place that would have that sort of fashion be considered normal.

Maybe Hollywood. Rider did have a body suited for a model or an actress, after all, even if she seemed to lack in common sense at the moment.

"Oh? And I suppose your _torn pajamas_ are part of that fashion too?"

…right. That was another thing he had forgotten.

"No – I just got up myself. Look," he said hastily, trying to find a way to convince Sakura he wasn't keeping a sex slave. "She's just an associate that my father knew."

"Your father had a mistress too?"

"No!" Shirou said, shaking his head. "She and some others came today, to handle some affairs with my father's estate. Now that I'm old enough, I am officially going to inherit my father's properties."

"Is there any problem?" Saber said, ducking into the room. Shirou prepared to cringe – though he was surprised to see that she had changed out of her armor, though he wasn't sure where she had gotten the suit.

"Another girl, senpai?" Sakura said, raising a brow.

Saber nodded, as if her gender was ever really the question. "Yes," she said. "I knew Shirou's Father. At this moment, I came to act as Shirou's bodyguard."

"Oh, a bodyguard?" Sakura asked, crossing her arms. "So you're not one Shirou's mistresses too?"

"No," Saber said, shaking her head.

"Well," Sakura began, sighing in relief. "That's go-"

"Not anymore, at least."

Shirou face palmed as Sakura began to turn red. Accusatory glances flew at Saber and Shirou, until finally Rider pulled at Sakura's sleeve.

"Ah…yes," Rider said, as soon as she had Sakura's attention. "That was a joke."

XXX

It took almost half an hour, but Sakura finally relented when Shirou had called out the rest of his father's associates and only one of them was a woman. An exceptionally beautiful woman, like the other two had been – but Sakura was sure that even if the three men were all handsome enough to make her blush (Just a little! Her senpai was still the best, after all.) Shirou wasn't the type to swing that way…even if she did spend a moment or two imagining what it would be like if he had. For some reason, the thought of her senpai and the tannest man seemed particularly appealing, though she couldn't point out why other than the fact that the man felt like he would be extremely aggressive towards Shirou.

In bed.

So yes, she had convinced herself that 1. Shirou's associates simply had a terrible sense of humor, 2. Shirou hadn't suddenly summoned a harem over night, 3. Shirou hadn't decided to include her when he was building one, and finally 4. She wasn't at all disappointed by 3 at all.

"I'll explain the details later," her senpai said, after introducing all of his strangely named friends. "For now, it should be enough to know that they'll be staying over for a while."

Sakura pursed her lips, shooting some glances at the women. In her gut she couldn't help but feel dangerous vibes coming from them, and yet…

"I don't like it," Sakura said, looking to Shirou. "But…at least you won't be doing anything funny, and there are other men staying with you too." Even if Sakura wasn't sure if they would be a good influence on Shirou just yet. Lancer seemed like he would be a natural playboy, while Assassin, despite being substantially more subdued, still had an aura of a host from one of the Shibuya clubs.

As for Archer…

"Don't worry," Archer said, as though he had read her mind. When he flashed a smile at her she felt her heart flutter – and for a moment she almost mistook him as her senpai. "I'll make sure he behaves."

Shirou laughed weakly. "Well, as you see, there's nothing suspicious going on here."

"You know, senpai," Sakura said with a sigh. "That's the last thing you should say when you've finally convinced someone there's nothing strange going on."

XXX

Shirou had worried a little when he had called out the other servants to help explain things to Sakura. While none of them had been dressed quite as inappropriately as Rider was, it was still sure to make Sakura give them strange looks if they had showed up as they first appeared. Fortunately, like Saber, they had all come out wearing business attire – though he wasn't completely sure where they had found those clothes. Most of them appeared similar to things his father, Kiritsugu, owned, though they wouldn't have originally been in the servant's sizes.

If he had to hazard a guess, Caster had probably used her magic to alter the clothing for them to wear. Shirou had to admit that her magic was pretty convenient – far more convenient than his own petty skills.

The only exception was Archer, who was dressed more or less how he came. The difference was that he had replaced his coat with Shirou's apron. Despite the fact it seemed to look natural on him, it annoyed Shirou to no end to see the man dressed like that.

Archer was a complete mystery – but at least Shirou's theory of him being a psychic was gaining more support. It seemed like even Sakura was not immune to Archer's apparent ability to read minds. Of course, if Archer was psychic he was probably reading the thoughts of Shirou all the time – and was no doubt enjoying himself as he watched Shirou handle the stresses of suddenly being the master of six servants.

Archer, you're a bastard! Shirou thought as loudly in his head as possible, but Archer didn't react. Of course, there was a good chance he _wanted_ to think he couldn't read minds.

Just in case, Shirou would still remain on guard.

"Anyway, I should get started on breakfast," he said, turning to Archer and holding out a hand. Shirou wanted his apron back, unable to stand watching it be held hostage in the clutches of the other man any longer. "If you would mind…"

"No, I didn't mind at all," Archer said, amazingly giving up the apron to Shirou without any resistance. "Here you go, Shirou."

It was easy. Too easy, in fact. Still, Shirou accepted the apron, deciding not to worry about the servant's sudden congeniality. Shirou should have been, though, and as soon as he stepped into the kitchen he understood just what horrible thing Archer had done.

Archer, you're a bastard!

…no reaction. Archer was good.

Shirou spent a few moments staring at his kitchen, where a practical breakfast _feast_ (there was no way he could call it a simple meal, though with the amount of mouths to feed a feast was probably necessary anyway) was laid out, ready to serve trays. For some strange reason there were also no dishes in the sink, and no sign that any of his cooking instruments had even been used. Shirou pledged immediately that whatever secret technique Archer had used to do all of this he would figure it out and master it himself. For now, however, he resigned himself to bringing out the food – like he was just an ordinary waiter who simply carried out the master chef's dishes.

It took a couple of trips, even with the help of Assassin coming in to help him – but soon enough they were all seated at a rather crowded table, food set out before them and all the bowls, plates and utensils ready for the group.

"I didn't think it was possible, but you've improved Shirou! This is the best meal you've ever cooked!" Taiga said, already digging in.

"Actually, it wasn't me this time but," Shirou began, ignoring his own damaged pride, before he stopped and blinked. The other people at the table did too – how the woman had snuck a place into the table without anybody noticing until that moment was a mystery.

"But what, Shirou?" Taiga asked, pausing in between forkfuls of an omelet. Apparently, the fact that there was anybody else there at all was a mystery to her as well – at least for a few precious seconds. Then, all of a sudden she realized that everybody was staring at her and immediately stood up, almost bumping the table in the process. "Shirou, who are all these people?"

"Guys," Shirou said, gesturing towards Taiga. "Meet my teacher. Taiga, meet my father's associates."

Lancer grinned. "You didn't tell me your teacher was a woman," Lancer said as he patted Shirou on the back. "And you told me you weren't bringing over a harem!"

At this, Sakura blushed a little as she smiled about at least being included in it. However, just as she was about to correct Lancer, Assassin did it for her.

"No, you see, for it to be a harem it would have to be at least three girls."

Unfortunately, Assassin corrected Lancer on the wrong issue.

"Ah," Lancer said, understanding correctly. "Of course. What's the saying for this situation then?"

"'A flower on each arm' I believe."

Taiga didn't seem to be paying attention to the conversation. Instead, she looked around, before focusing on Shirou. "Hey-hey Shirou! Tell me, what's going on? Why are all of these people here?"

Shirou sighed. It was going to be a long day today.


	3. I'll do my best to stay on Earth

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" by Mereo Flere

XXX

Tohsaka Rin was not having a good morning. She had found out earlier that she had missed her chance to take part in the Holy Grail War. While it wasn't as though she cared about fighting or even the chance to have her wish granted by the Holy Grail, it was shameful to think that she wouldn't be directly involved in it at all. As the person who was in charge of this territory, as well as a member of one the three families that had set up Heaven's Feel, it was her duty to be one of the participants as a master.

And she had missed it! She missed the call! Worse yet, if she had just been a little more careless and had done the summoning ritual a little earlier she would have no trouble calling a servant of her own. Who knows – she may have even summoned Saber himself!

Ultimately, though, she couldn't put the blame on herself not being clumsy _enough_. If she hadn't procrastinated in summoning a servant then she wouldn't have even been put in this situation at all. Kotomine had reminded her to summon a servant as soon as possible, and she had ignored him. No doubt he would lord it over her like all of the other times she had disregarded advice that had been right.

She respected the man's ability, but it was always difficult to deal with his…personality. It would probably be even more difficult now.

To be honest, she just wanted to stay in bed all day and rest. Unfortunately, that would ruin her image as a model student and, even more importantly, she couldn't allow herself to slide on her self-discipline just because one thing had gone wrong in her life. People who did that eventually never left their bed at all. So, with a tired groan and a small curse at the clock, she got out of bed and got ready for school.

When she arrived at the gates she realized another thing that was wrong. There was nobody else there aside from some early birds already heading for their morning clubs. With a small frown she looked at her watch and realized, yes, she had forgotten to change the clocks in her house for the second day in a row. "How could this day get any worse?" she muttered.

"Ohoho," a voice behind her came, answering Rin's question almost immediately if not intentionally. "To think that the famous Tohsaka Rin would be up so early in the morning! Don't tell me that you forgot to change your clocks for the second day in a row?"

Rin, deciding against ignoring the voice behind her, chose to turn around and face the girl with a smile. It was, just as she thought, none other than the heir to the Edelfelt family, Luvia. A buxom girl with blond drills, she had transferred to the school a few weeks earlier with a not so subtle challenge that she would be facing Rin in the Holy Grail War.

"Don't pretend you didn't do it too," Rin said frankly, knowing that, as much as she hated to admit it, Luvia was similar to her in many ways – in talent, in spells and in their clumsiness. "I know full well that you only like to arrive when there are enough people to admire your entrance."

Luvia, after all, liked to compete with Rin on many things – including popularity.

"Well, okay, I admit I did make a tiny error," Luvia said sheepishly. "However, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about today!"

The corner of Rin's mouth twitched a little. To be honest, she should have seen this coming. Luvia was undoubtedly about to brag about summoning a servant of her own. "So, what is it?" Rin said, deciding to get it over with.

"Oh, I just wanted to know if you had managed summon a servant yet, that's all," Luvia said with a smirk.

"No," Rin replied dryly. "I have not."

"Well, I'm not surprised. To be honest, I'd be amazed if you had even tracked down a catalyst yet – though an attempt would be futile anyway."

"Yes. It would be very futile indeed." Luvia didn't have to rub it in, though Rin supposed if she was in her situation she would be gloating to.

"Oh, so you understand?" Luvia said, surprised. "Well, it's understandable. After all, my family has provided me the most excellent artifact with which to call forth a servant tonight! Undoubtedly he will be invincible, so it would be pointless for you to try to defeat me in battle."

Rin's expression suddenly froze in shock, scaring even Luvia for a moment. Then, as she realized that Luvia too hadn't summoned a servant after all, her lips formed an impish grin.

"Tonight you say? So you're going to summon a servant tonight, huh?"

"Yes, that's right. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Oh, so I guess you haven't heard then…"

Luvia blinked, though the way Rin was acting was beginning to frighten her. "Haven't heard what?"

"All seven servants have already been summoned."

Luvia blinked again, her eyes widening in shock. "But that's impossible, there had only been one called until yesterday!"

"Yes. That is, until last night," Rin explained, enjoying Luvia's misery maybe a little too much. She was starting to see why Kotomine acted that way…

…she should probably avoid making it a habit, in order to avoid becoming like the twisted priest.

"Last night?"

"Yes. The last six servants were summoned all at the same time last night."

Rin watched with constrained glee as the truth dawned on Luvia's face. Then she stepped back and plugged her ears – because as much as she hated to admit it she and Luvia were similar in many ways…including the way they handled news.

"FFFFFF-"

XXX

Emiya Shirou had the unfortunate task of convincing Taiga that there was nothing suspicious at all about his new associates. This, however, would prove to be difficult, considering his servants were nothing _but_ suspicious. What else could you call a group of people who appeared out of nowhere, claiming to be your soldiers to use in some Holy Grail War? If it weren't for the fact that Shirou had been saved by them just a few hours ago he probably wouldn't be inclined to believe them either. Fortunately, he had already convinced Sakura for the most part, and that had given him a little bit more practice. He had even hoped that it would be simpler to convince Taiga that they were harmless; though it would be rude to consider Taiga as naïve, she had at least taken Shirou seriously most of the time in the past.

What he had failed to take into account was that she could be very, very stubborn at times.

"I don't believe you!" Taiga yelled, dramatically pointing her finger at Shirou. "There's something going on here that you're not telling me!"

Shirou smiled weakly, chastising himself on the inside for ever thinking this would be easy. "I assure you, that's exactly what they're here for. They're associates of my father, come to help me officially inherit the rest of his estate, and that's all."

"Then you're naïve, Shirou!" she said, shooting glares at the servants. "How could you so easily trust some people who just show up at your door in the middle of the night and then invite them into your home?"

"Well," Shirou said weakly, scratching his head as he tried to come up with an excuse. "They didn't just show up last night…you see they called ahead of time to say that they were arriving today."

Taiga narrowed her eyes. "Oh…and you didn't bother to mention this to me before hand? Or Sakura? You wouldn't normally forget to mention to us that you were having other guests over."

"What can I say?" Shirou asked, hoping that he would find an answer himself in the next few seconds. "It just sort of slipped my mind. I'm sorry I didn't think to tell you guys."

Taiga relaxed a little, glad to see that her student at least understood he had made a mistake. "Oh Shirou, I worry what would happen to you if I wasn't around to take care of you. But you know," she added, shooting a glare at the servants once again. "For all you know, they've come to take advantage of you!"

"Don't worry," Lancer said, shooting her a confident smile. "I assure you that we only have the best of intentions. There's no way we would let anything bad happen to the young master," he continued, leaning closer to her.

Taiga blinked at the servant's sudden advance, her face becoming a little flushed. However, she shook off Lancer's attempt at charming her and instead pushed him away with one hand. "That doesn't assure me at all!" Taiga said, poking the servant in the chest. "How can I be sure that your best intentions aren't actually to sleep with him so that you can get his money?"

"H-hey, do I look like that sort of person?" Lancer asked, frowning.

"For the record," Archer said, a frown also on his face. "I'm as straight as an arrow."

"And I'm as straight as a lance!" Lancer added, crossing his arms.

"And I'm as straight as a katana," Assassin joined in, with a small smile. At that point everybody paused and turned to Assassin. Lancer also chose that moment to scoot away from the guy.

"…should have known from the hairdo," Lancer muttered, shaking his head.

"I was kidding," Assassin said, raising a brow. "Everybody else was making references to a weapon, and I thought it would be funny if I said that. I wasn't being serious," he continued, when everyone else's stares remained unrelenting as they tried to decide what to believe.

"Ah," Rider said as she made her own verdict. "So it was a joke."

Suddenly, Shirou found Taiga in front of him, her hands holding onto his shoulders tightly. It was a powerful grip, strengthened by years of physical training…and the fears of a woman who saw one of her friends in grave danger.

"W-what's wrong?" Shirou asked, noting the tears beginning to well up in Taiga's eyes.

"Shirou…"

"Yes?"

"Make me a promise."

"What promise?"

"Make me a promise that you will never enter _that _world, no matter how handsome the men around you are."

Shirou blinked. "Well, I don't think you'll have to worry about me becoming an astronaut," he said, scratching his head. "But if it makes you feel better, I'll do my best to stay on Earth."

Taiga sniffed, wiping a solitary tear away from her eye. "You really are naïve after all, Shirou," she said, as she patted Shirou on the head. "Never change."

"Come on guys!" Assassin yelled somewhere in the background, obscured by Taiga from Shirou's view. "Stop looking at me that way already! I mean it!"

XXX

"You know," Taiga said, finally sitting back down to continue her meal. Ultimately, all of her stubbornness still gave in to one thing: her hunger. "I still don't trust you guys. How can we know you're really who you say you are?"

"Just trust me on this," Shirou said, trying to end the topic as quickly as possible.

"No, this is important," Taiga said, unrelenting on that point. "At the very least, if they're your father's associates then they should at least know something about you and him, shouldn't they?"

Shirou froze. What Taiga said made sense – but he knew that there was no way that they could possibly answer her questions. To begin with, they had only heard Shirou's explanation for their presence her when Sakura heard it first; he hadn't had time to fill them in with all the little things they would need to know for their backstory. Shirou himself didn't even known about all of them yet; he had hoped he would have a little more time to plan this out.

"Just a second, isn't it unreasonable to expect them to know every detail about my father?" Shirou asked, delaying.

"I don't expect them to know his favorite color," Taiga said, giving a pout. "But if they are who they say they are, then they can answer a few simple questions can't they?"

"But-"

"Why are you so protective of them, senpai?" Sakura asked, tilting her head. "You only met them in person for the first time today, right? Or," she added, averting her eyes downward. "Is there something you're keeping from us?"

Shirou gulped. "No," he lied, hating himself for doing so.

"Then you don't mind?" Taiga asked.

"No, no, go ahead," Shirou said. "Archer," he said, focusing his eyes on the silver haired servant. "You knew my father best, didn't you?"

"Of course I did, Shirou," Archer replied, nodding. Though Shirou didn't want to admit it, Archer was the best chance of getting past this particular hurdle. "You could even say that he was almost like a father to me."

Shirou frowned at Archer, who simply smiled back at him. Did he really have to make things harder than they had to be? Still, if Archer was psychic like Shirou expected, this was the time to put that ability to good use for once!

"First of all, what was his name?"

"Emiya Kiritsugu," Archer replied.

"Good, good," Taiga said. "It would have looked really bad if you had gotten something that basic wrong."

"Are they all going to be this easy?" Archer asked, smirking. Shirou sighed; did he really have to provoke her?

"Oh…you're looking for a challenge then?" Taiga asked, all of her teeth showing in her smile. "In that case…"

Several questions flew by quickly from there. Kiritsugu's three sizes, Kiritsugu's birthday, where he had been born and when he had come to Fuyuki; these were only some of the questions Taiga grilled Archer on. Amazingly, Archer managed to answer them all without even pausing – impressing Shirou and making him glad Archer wasn't using his psychic powers solely to annoy him for once.

Taiga was equally impressed as Shirou, though she grew frustrated with every question. When she thought about it, there wasn't much she knew about Kiritsugu at all, and it looked like there was no way to trip Archer into making a mistake. "Tch," she said, considering running back home and finding her old journal from the days where she had _slightly_ been stalking the older man for some obscure facts that he had accidentally let slip around her. Of course, if she did that then Archer too would have time to prepare as well…and she couldn't have that.

Nonetheless, the fact that Archer hadn't been wrong at all so far was a good sign that they had known Kiritsugu after all. Better than she did, actually. Of course, she couldn't throw out the possibility that these were all things that Shirou had told them.

If that was the case, however, she still had one trump card…

"Well then," she said, stroking her chin. "Can you tell me who his wife was?"

"My father was married?" Shirou asked, blinking. That was the first he had ever heard of it.

"…yes," Archer said, suddenly frowning. "It was before he met you. However, Taiga," he said, crossing his arms. "I think you know as well as I do that he had his reasons for not telling anyone much about her."

"Ah, right," she said sheepishly. Still, if it was Shirou's sake, she had to ask this question – to make sure they were who they said they were. "But, even if you can't give a name, surely you can describe her a little."

Archer focused his eyes only on Taiga for a few moments, which Shirou was sure he spent reading her mind. Though he had some complaints about Archer reading his mind, it turned his stomach a little to think that he was violating his friend's privacy. But, since this was necessary he would let it slide this once.

"She was kind and gentle, while still remaining as vibrant as the sun," Archer finally said, closing his eyes. "She was beautiful, with gorgeous long hair as white as the snow. She was the love of his life, but unfortunately she passed away shortly after they came to Fuyuki."

Taiga remained silent, carefully taking in Archer's words. She bowed her head, thinking back to the single time Kiritsugu had described his wife to her and smiled softly. Though the words were certainly different, it was definitely familiar. "Yes," she admitted, letting out a defeated sigh. "That's about right. You know, I would have liked to meet her myself."

"You would've liked her," Archer assured her.

"Yes," she agreed. After she had gotten over her own jealousy, that is. However, any woman that had married a man like Kiritsugu could not have been anything less than lovely.

XXX

The mood had taken a more solemn turn after Archer had answered Taiga's last question. To be honest, it unsettled Shirou a little, thinking about how Archer had described Kiritsugu's wife. The servants may not have gotten a good look at her, when they were busy being knocked aside by Berserker, but he could still remember Ilyasviel – the memory of the girl when she woke him up embedded firmly in his memory. Only Archer and Caster, who had remained on the sidelines at the time, would've had a chance to glance at her before Berserker scooped her up in his arms – but he couldn't talk about it while Taiga and Sakura were there.

Fortunately, Sakura realized she was late for her morning club meeting and Taiga had some paperwork to do at school and both of them left before him. And so, after hearing the front door close and making sure the two of them had left for school, he decided to seek his servants' council.

"Say, Archer, Caster," he said, returning to the table. "I've got something to ask the two of you. It's about Ilyasviel."

"What about her?" Caster asked, turning to Shirou. "Did you remember something important?"

"I'd like to be involved in this too," Saber said, setting down on what must have been her tenth serving of the day. "If it concerns the attacker of our master, we should all be informed about it."

"I think," Shirou stared, still not sure if he was being paranoid or not. "I think it's possible that the Ilyasviel von Einzbern may be my sister."

"Your sister?" Rider asked, "But Master, the two of you don't have the same name."

"No, we don't," Shirou admitted. "And I admit, she doesn't look anything at all like my father. However, after hearing Archer describe my father's wife, I can't help but think Ilyasviel sounds just like her. Well – maybe not the kind and gentle part," he admitted, sighing as he thought back to how she had tried to kill him. "But there's no way I could forget her long white hair. You saw it too; it's not something most people would have."

Caster didn't say anything for a moment, bowing her head as she thought back to the attack. "To be honest," she finally said, "I am afraid I had my attention focused more on her servant at the time to see clearly. However, I will defer to your judgment on this."

Well, Shirou had to admit that Berserker had a way of making you pay attention to him. Master or not, few people would likely ignore Ilyasviel in favor of focusing on her servant. She may have been the one giving out the orders but there was no doubt about who carried the destructive power in that duo.

Still –

"What about you, Archer?" Shirou asked, hoping that at least one of his servants could remember Ilyasviel. Even if he didn't see her then, however, he had been the one to recall Kiritsugu's wife. "What do you think?"

Archer crossed his arms, furrowing his brow as he thought about what to say. "I admit, I did see her," he said slowly. "And it's true, she did have long white hair. It's not something you would normally see in a child, even among magi. However, Shirou," he asked, "How old do you think she is?"

Shirou blinked. "Eleven or twelve," he guessed, since he hadn't really thought about it before. "I'm not really good at telling ages."

"Then she had to have been just a toddler when the Kiritsugu and his wife came to Fuyuki," Rider said, seeming to understand where Archer was coming from. "But, if that's the case, why didn't he take her with him, if she was his daughter?"

"Who knows?" Assassin said, shrugging. "That was a long time ago, and none of us were there at the time. But you know – 'von Einzbern' sounds it would belong to a distinguished family. Maybe the relatives of your father's wife didn't allow him to keep her when she passed away."

"But you guys think it's likely that she really is my father's daughter, right?" Shirou asked, though by now he was already convinced himself.

"It's possible, yes," Caster said. "It would at least explain why she knew you."

"But if you were her brother," Rider asked, as bowed her head. "Why would she try to kill you?"

"Who knows? Maybe she just hated the thought of being abandoned by her father," Assassin said.

"Or maybe her family is just crazy, and they raised her to be crazy too," Lancer said, finally finding something to add.

"However," Saber said, crossing her arms. "The fact that she is your sister changes nothing."

"Of course it does!" Shirou exclaimed. "It changes a lot! I might have a sister I never knew about, so how could this change nothing at all?"

Saber narrowed her gaze at her master. It seemed he really underestimated the peril he was in. "It doesn't change the fact that she attacked you, nor does it change the fact that she is a master in the war. It doesn't change the fact that she is, without a doubt, your enemy – and that is the most important fact at all."

"Urk." Saber had a point. Even Shirou couldn't ignore the danger Ilya had posed – the danger she would continue to pose. But even so, "There still has to be a way this can be settled."

"She will undoubtedly try to kill you again, Master," she said sternly. "When the time comes, we will do whatever it takes to ensure you are protected. That is our duty as servants."

XXX

In the end, Shirou couldn't really argue with Saber. What could he say? "Don't protect me from my killer sister!" As if; he wasn't that stupid, or that suicidal. However, before he could convince her to lighten up a little he would probably need to come up with a better argument. He never liked the idea of fighting her, and he liked it even less when he thought that she might be his father's biological daughter.

But, he could spend that time thinking about it while he was at school. There certainly wasn't a lack of topics he had to consider.

"Ugh," he said, staring at the mirror. He felt so tired, and not simply because he had only gotten a few hours of sleep last night; Caster had explained to him that summoning and supporting servants would put a drain on him as well. Still, he had a busy day ahead of him, even without the Holy Grail War to worry about.

Like a biology test he needed to study for. He still had to ask how Archer had even known about that; even if Archer was psychic, Shirou hadn't remembered it himself. There had to be a limit to the man's mind powers, right?

"A cold shower will wake me up," he told himself as he yawned. He needed it anyway; after running around, getting scared senseless and finally having to clean up the mess that was left behind from the encounter with Ilya he was more than a little dirty; Issei would admonish him for coming to school in that sort of mess. Pulling the shirt of his pajamas off, he turned to start the water – and paused when something caught the corner of his eye. Turning back to the mirror, he stared at his own reflection for a moment, before rubbing his eyes.

"No," he told himself. "I'm probably just seeing things. Or maybe it's just a trick of the mirror. When I look down, there will be nothing there. No glowing red tattoos running down my arm all the way to my hand. They aren't really there; they're just a figment of my imagination."

Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes again, and stared at his left arm. Then, as if to emphasize that, no, he wasn't imagining things after all, the symbols that had found their way onto his body they pulsed brighter – though only for a moment.

"There is no reason to be shocked, Master," a voice behind him said. "Those are simply the command seals. Though, I must admit, I did not expect you to have so many."

Shirou jumped slightly, though when he looked turned around it turned out only to be Rider standing there in the bathroom with him. She too, seemed to be looking at his arm – and it appeared that she knew what they were.

At least Shirou thought that's what she was looking at.

"You know," Shirou said, pulling his shirt back on quickly. It wasn't as though he was ashamed of his body – but to have her facing him like this was a little embarrassing. "I've been meaning to ask, but can you see out of that thing?" he asked, peering at the blindfold covering her eyes.

"I am aware of the world around me, yes," Rider said, nodding.

"So, it doesn't get in the way at all?"

"It gets in the way," Rider admitted. "But, it is necessary for it to do so."

Shirou raised a brow. "Why? Wouldn't it be easier for you to remove it?"

"It would be dangerous for those around me if I were to do so."

"How would it be dangerous?"

"It…is a complicated story," Rider admitted, looking away. "However, if Master desires it-"

"No, no," Shirou said, holding up a hand. "It's okay. If you have a good reason to keep wearing it, Rider, then that's good enough for me."

Rider bowed. "Thank you master."

"Now," Shirou said, scratching his cheek. "You mentioned that these things…"

"The command seals," Rider said.

"Right." Shirou nodded. "These command seals. What exactly are these for?"

"They are the symbol of your right to command us," Rider explained, stepping forward. Reaching for Shirou's arm, she pulled up his sleeve – once again revealing the command seals. Shirou did his best not to blush at the touch; he failed but even though he felt his cheeks get hotter Rider did not appear to notice. "As long as you have these, you can give an absolute order that we have to obey."

"An absolute order, huh?" Shirou asked, with a frown. "I don't really like the sound of that."

"It is for the master's protection," Rider said. "Without it a servant could ignore her master's orders, or even attack him without any way for him to defend himself. Of course," she added, tapping each tattoo on his arm, counting 18 in total. "If you should use them up you really would have no control over your servants at all."

"Still," Shirou said, looking at his arm. "That makes you out to be a slave, doesn't it?"

"I am your servant, Master."

"There's still a difference," Shirou said.

"In that case, Master, the difference would ultimately be left up to you. Regardless," Rider said, taking a step back and kneeling. "You are my master."

"I see…still, could you stop calling me Master?" Shirou said, a little uncomfortable being called by that title so often.

"But Master is my master."

"Yes, I know," he said, laughing weakly. "But, it would make me more comfortable if you just called me by my name."

"I see," Rider said. "If that is your wish, Master Shirou."

"You can drop the master," Shirou deadpanned.

"Then," she said, pausing for a moment. "I shall address you as Shirou."

Shirou smiled back at her. "Thank you, Rider."

Rider stood back up, and for a moment Shirou thought he could see a small smile on her face. "Now then, Shirou, shall I begin cleaning you?"

Shirou blinked. "Come again?"

"Shall I begin cleaning you?" Rider repeated, this time a little louder – making sure that he could hear her clearly.

"W-why would you do that, Rider?"

Rider tilted her head. "Is that not why you came to this area?" she asked curiously.

"Well, yes," Shirou admitted. "But I don't see-"

"And, is it not customary for a servant to help maintain her Master's grooming?"

"I don't know about that-"

"Or, perhaps Shirou would be more comfortable with another one of his servants than myself," Rider noted, sounding a little sad. "Perhaps Assassin," she added, a little more…cheerfully? Shirou couldn't really be sure himself.

Shirou blinked, wondering what was going through her mind. "No, it's alright, you don't need to do that," he assured her. "I can manage to shower by myself just fine."

"I see…are you sure?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"Very well," Rider said, bowing once more. However, she didn't move from her spot at all.

"Rider…"

"Yes?"

"Why are you still here?"

"To serve you, Shirou," she answered promptly.

Shirou face palmed. "You…you're doing this just to tease me, aren't you?" he asked, peering through his fingers.

Rider shook her head. "No," she said, pulling his hand from his face.

"Well, that's good," he said, sighing.

"If I were going to tease you, it would be something more like this," she said – and then she took the hand she was still holding and placed it firmly on her breast.

"Hold on!" Shirou said, pulling away immediately – much to Rider's disappointment, though part of her couldn't help but smile at his innocence. His face was a bright red, almost but not quite the same shade of his hair. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ah…that," Rider explained, using the same tone she had taken with Sakura. "That was a joke, Shirou."

Shirou decided that he desperately needed a cold shower after all. Very cold.

Artic, even.


	4. Thank you Ma'am  May I have another?

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" by Mereo Flere

XXX

Emiya Shirou did not usually arrive late to school. Today, however, that had been inevitable thanks in part to the fact that he may have spent a little _too_ much time after the shower. No matter how cold the water had been, it didn't seem to be able to cool his head; if it weren't for Lancer knocking on the door, teasing him about what Shirou had done with Rider while they were alone in there, Shirou might not have ever gotten out at all.

Of course, it didn't help when Saber blocked his way, just as he was about to go to school. She asked if she could come with him. Naturally, he told her that she couldn't; she wasn't a student, so there was no way he could bring her along. She then asked if he had to go to school at all. Naturally, he pointed out the fact that they had barely convinced Taiga to give them her permission to stay with him – something that she would easily and instantly revoke the moment if he didn't show up for class. Saber pointed out that if he was attacked when none of his servants were around he'd easily be slaughtered by Berserker – just like he had almost been right before he summoned all of them to his side. To counter that he pointed out that not even Ilyasviel would be reckless enough to attack him in broad daylight, in a school full of normal people. It would break the rules of magi and the Holy Grail War.

Saber was skeptical of that, of course. Then again, she was skeptical about a lot of things. In the end, however, she stepped aside – though she assured him that she wasn't going to leave things this way forever.

All in all, it made Shirou very tired. When lunchtime came, he couldn't even move from his chair, instead just laying face down on the desk.

This, too, was not like Emiya Shirou at all – and naturally, it did not go unnoticed.

He heard footsteps approach him, and Shirou didn't even have to look up to guess who it was. There were only two people in his class that usually talked to him, and this one didn't carry the sound of the female uniform's flowing skirt.

Not that people haven't tried to convince the Issei to wear a dress in the past; the student council president's bishounen looks were famous in the school, and in the previous years the student body always tried to find an excuse to get him to wear a maid outfit, especially during the culture festivals. Issei, of course, had refused every single time; some said however that was simply because the right person hadn't asked him. Issei had always listened to Shirou, and showed more concern about Shirou than any of his other acquaintances.

As the student council president and, more importantly, Shirou's friend, there was no way Issei could have ignored Shirou's strange behavior.

"Are you okay, Shirou?" Issei asked, just as Shirou had expected.

Holding back a groan, he forced himself up in his seat and smiled Issei. As much as he wanted to just pretend – no, actually go to sleep, he couldn't brush off his friend; besides, he really did appreciate the concern.

"Yes," Shirou said, and then immediately gritted his teeth to cage a yawn. "I'm perfectly fine."

Issei, however, didn't look convinced at all and instead stared down at Shirou with an interrogating gaze. "Is that really so?"

"Well, okay, not _perfectly_ fine," Shirou admitted. "A lot of things happened this morning, and I really didn't get as much sleep as I expected to last night."

"What were you doing?" Issei asked, sitting down in the desk beside Shirou's.

"A group of my father's associates came over this morning," Shirou explained, for what felt like the millionth time today. "And, well I forgot to tell Taiga before hand, so I had to spend quite a bit of time convincing her that they weren't out there to con me. Or turn me into an astronaut."

"Turn you into an astronaut?" Issei asked, raising a brow.

Shirou shrugged. "I didn't get it either."

"Well," Issei said, adjusting the position of his glasses. "To be honest, I'm surprised you forgot to tell her about visitors. You're usually better about that sort of thing."

"She told me the same thing," Shirou said weakly.

"Well, you know she's only concerned about your well being. I would be too if I had been her in that situation."

"And you're not?" Shirou was surprised; normally, Issei would be the first to admonish him about strange people. Of course, Issei hadn't actually met them…

…yes, he would certainly have a complaint or two about Rider. Lancer too, probably. He had a feeling that Issei would get along with Saber and Assassin, however.

"Well, you managed to convince Taiga," Issei said. "Despite what others may think of her, she is still a teacher. And, more importantly, she's been watching over you longer than anyone else I know, though I know sometimes it must seem like it's the other way around," he added, recalling how she went over to his place for meals. "Still, if she accepted them then I don't see any reason for me not to as well, and I wouldn't want to add to your stress today."

"Thanks Issei," Shirou said. "You don't know how much that means to me right now."

"Of course," Issei said, looking over Shirou once more. The closer he looked at the bags underneath Shirou's eyes, the way he slouched and the slightly paler than usual complexion Shirou had the more obvious it became that his friend was exhausted. "Are you sure that you are going to make it throughout the entire day? Maybe it would be better for you to go to the nurses office."

"No, no, it's okay," Shirou assured him. "I'll be okay. As soon as I eat lunch I'll be sure to have the energy to get through the classes. Though," he added, thinking back to the student council room, where they usually ate during lunch. At that moment, it seemed to be a long, long way away. "If you don't mind, could we eat here today?"

"Of course," Issei said. Normally, he preferred the peace and quiet, but it wouldn't hurt to break that habit for today. "I'll just grab my bento," he said, getting up.

"Okay," Shirou said, as he reached for his own.

Then, after a moment of futile searching, he froze.

"Is there something wrong, Shirou?" Issei asked as soon as he returned.

"Ah – it's nothing important. I just forgot to bring my lunch today."

Issei raised a brow. "You really are slipping today."

"Yes, I really am," Shirou admitted with a sigh. This time, however, it wasn't entirely his fault. Normally when he made breakfast he would also prepare his lunch to take to school as well; today, however, Archer had made breakfast, leaving Shirou no opportunity to prepare his midday meal.

Of course, maybe he was being too biased against the servant, but it wouldn't surprise Shirou if the servant had planned this all along.

XXX

So, Luvia hadn't had the greatest morning in her life today. So what if she had come to school earlier than she planned; it at least had given her a chance to talk to Rin. It saved her the trouble of trying to summon a servant later tonight, even though it did mean that she had missed her opportunity to take part in the Holy Grail War. Of course, she would confirm with the mediator of this Heaven's Feel – a local priest named Kotomine Kirei or something – but she didn't mind not having to fight in the brutish war.

She may have had lost her chance for honor and perhaps the chance at a miracle being granted for her (though, as far as her investigations had revealed, it didn't seem like it had ever been successful at all), but she didn't have to risk her life in a battle. Being a magus may have meant putting your life on the line, but that didn't mean you had to become entirely suicidal. The last war had apparently been particularly bloody; the masters and servants involved had been known to be completely ruthless.

To be honest, she wasn't sure she could be like that. For now, she was glad she wouldn't have to find out.

Besides, something _had_ gone right today. Today, Emiya Shirou had forgotten his lunch – and it just so happened she had a spare one prepared for him. How many days had she waiting for an event like this, to see Shirou finally slip up for once? How many lunch boxes had been wasted, until finally she could appear to his rescue in his time of need?

There was still one opponent left, however – one dragon that stood in Luvia's way: Issei. Every day Issei always took Shirou to the Student Council Room, monopolizing Shirou every day at noon. Today, however, they remained in the room – she just had to wait for her chance to strike.

"Well, I'll be happy to share my bento with you," she heard Issei say.

Luvia smiled. This was it; there would never be a more perfect chance than this. Unfortunately, before Luvia could step in between them, to proudly deliver the second lunchbox that she had "accidentally" taken with her this morning to Shirou, someone else beat her to the punch.

XXX

Shirou was about to assure Issei that he didn't need to share his lunch with him when he saw a purple blur enter the room. It slipped passed the students while Shirou was still trying to register what it was – before finally coming to a stop between Shirou and Issei.

"Shirou," the familiar figure said, holding out what looked to be a handkerchief wrapped bento. "He said that you had forgotten this."

Shirou didn't need to ask who "he" was. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that "he" had planned this from the start, that damn psychic bastard.

On the bright side, Rider had changed from her stripperific outfit, even if she had kept the blindfold on. Like the other servants, she was now wearing a suit though only the lower buttons of her jacket had been buttoned… with good reason. If Shirou had to guess, it would be physically impossible to button it up all the way.

"Rider," he said blandly as he looked at the object in her hands, trying his best to ignore the fact that his classmates were all beginning to turn towards the two of them. "What is this?"

"A handkerchief," Rider said. "I wanted to carry it in my cleavage, since it would be easier to run that way, but he said it would be better if I wrapped it this instead."

"And you listened to him?" Shirou said, sure that Rider had been there as well when he had explained that he needed to school alone.

"I tried not to," Rider said. "But it turns out it kept slipping out. He was right, it was better to wrap it after all."

Shirou turned away from her and let his head hit the desk. She was teasing him on purpose, wasn't she? Not that he would ask that out loud, remembering what she had done the last time he had done so.

"Shirou!" Luvia said, stomping out from the other side of the room. Glaring at the woman, she pointed her finger dramatically at the servant – for some reason carrying two stacked lunchboxes in her other hand. "Just who is this woman, and why is she so familiar with you?"

"I assume this is one of your father's associates?" Issei asked. He too had been shocked when Rider appeared before him and had nearly jumped out of his seat. Instead, he had managed to maintain his composure enough to just stand up really, really fast.

"Oh," Rider said, turning around. She smiled at the classroom and did a quick bow. "Hello," she continued after a moment, after she had considered what words to use. She had learned her lesson from this morning not to speak carelessly, after all. "I am not Shirou's mistress."

"Oh, so you're not his mistress, you say?" Luvia asked, her eye twitching a little. "That was rather… specific of you."

Clearly, Rider surmised, that was the wrong way to introduce herself. When she heard Shirou behind her groan a little she had instantly deduced that she may have in fact made the situation worse.

"Ah," she said, scrambling in her head to find the best way to fix this. "That was a joke."

"A joke you say?" Luvia asked, her eye twitching even more than before. "So, what you're saying is that you really _are_ Shirou's mistress after all?"

Rider paused. Finally, she nodded her head. "Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying."

"No, that is not at all what she's saying!" Shirou yelled, finally finding the strength to stand. He knew that he might sound like he was denying it a little too loudly, but if he didn't go all out he wouldn't be able to do it at all. "She's just an associate of my father's," he said quickly, "And she just happens to have a strange sense of humor, that's all!

"Now, if you'll excuse me," he said, grabbing Rider's free hand. "I think I need to have a word with her alone."

Then, just like that, he started to march out of the classroom – servant in tow. Everybody else, not sure how to react, just stood there silently and watched him leave.

…at least, for a few moments anyway.

Behind him, Shirou heard his classroom erupt into a loud discussion – but he did his best to ignore it. If he didn't move fast someone might get the brilliant idea to follow them.

"Where are you taking me, Shirou?" Rider asked, though she easily kept pace with her master.

"The roof," he said quickly. With any luck, there wouldn't be anyone there.

XXX

Rin knew that Luvia would be in a foul mood today; after all, she was the primary reason Luvia's morning had been ruined. Of course, Luvia would have found out about it eventually, but then Rin wouldn't have been able to see the usually refined and dignified heir of the Edelfelt family let the mask fall away for once and swear out loud.

She had quickly regained her composure, though, so when Luvia stomped over to her classroom like she usually did at noon Rin was surprised to see how much it had affected the other girl after all. A little part of Rin felt a little guilty for enjoying making Luvia miserable earlier; to think, Luvia was taking it this hard.

"It's okay," Rin said, all the while thinking about how odd it was for her to try to console Luvia. "It's not a big deal if you missed your chance. You shouldn't stress over it so much, really."

"It's not a big deal?" Luvia asked, as she slammed down the lunch boxes she carried in front of Rin. If it were any other day, Rin would have usually asked why she bothered to bring two, while Luvia would just tell her that she didn't want it to go to waste. Today, however, didn't seem like it would be a good idea to bring it up. "Of course it's a big deal! I don't think you understand just why something like this is important," she said indignantly, sitting down in the seat in front of Rin.

"Don't understand?" Rin asked, frowning a little. That was a little presumptuous of her. After all, Luvia might have come here to represent her family in the war, but the Edelfelts weren't one of the original families to instate it after all. She also didn't have to worry about keeping an eye out on Fuyuki, since it was under Rin's jurisdiction as the head of the Tohsaka family. "Look – I know it must be tough on you," she said slowly, doing her best to keep her temper run away with her mouth. "But, I'll let you know that I'm in the same situation as you. In fact," she added, crossing her arms. "I'm more troubled about this predicament than anyone else."

Luvia's eyes widened as she examined Rin's features. Then her expression softened a little when she realized that Rin was being completely honest. "I see," Luvia said, looking away. "You're right – I should have known that you of all people would have been caught up in all this as well."

"Of course!" Rin said proudly. "Then again," she added sheepishly. "I suppose, technically, the both of us _have_ already missed our chance."

Luvia's eye twitched. "That's too pathetic, Rin!" she said, slamming her hand on the desk, "Far too pathetic! How can you possibly call yourself my rival if you give up so easily?"

Technically, Rin hadn't ever called Luvia her rival out loud, but… "You know," she said, lowering her voice – glancing at the people looking over at them thanks to Luvia's outburst. Their conversation was already pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable to say next to normal people. "There's not much that you can do if they're already taken. It's pointless at this point."

"Hmph," Luvia said, narrowing her eyes at Rin. "Well, I didn't think that _you_ of all people would have disappointed me, Rin."

Rin shrugged, knowing she couldn't argue with the girl. "It's just the truth, Luvia. Sometimes you just have to accept defeat."

"Well _I'm_ not giving up," Luvia said, as she opened her own lunch box – pushing the other one to Rin. "I'm not about to surrender to that 'Rider' woman just yet," she added, biting into a sandwich.

"Yes, yes," Rin obliged Luvia, accepting the food. "I'm sure that you'll do just that."

Really, Luvia was being stubborn. And, just who was this Rider woman anyway?

…wait. Rider?

"Luvia?"

"Yes Rin?"

"What was that thing you said just now?"

"That I'm disappointed in you?"

"No, no," Rin said, waving her hand. "After that."

"Ah," Luvia said, pausing for a moment to think. "You mean how I'm not going to just surrender do that 'Rider' woman? Why?" she asked. "Is there something strange about not wanting to lose to someone like that?"

"Luvia," Rin deadpanned. "Think about it for a moment. Carefully, about whom she is."

"I don't see what the point is," Luvia began. "Is she someone you know? I admit, she looked particularly silly, wearing that blindfold over her eyes, but I don't see… wait."

Luvia froze. It couldn't be.

"It is, Luvia."

"She's into bondage, isn't she? Who does she think she is, dragging Shirou into that world of hers!"

Rin sighed. Sure, she couldn't have expected Luvia to have been as familiar as her with Heaven's Feel – and, more specifically, the classes of the servants involved but…

"Look, let's start over from the beginning."

XXX

Fortunately, the roof had been empty when they had arrived. Just to be safe, however, he walked Rider to the corner farthest away from the door. That way, if anybody walked in on them, he would at least be able to spot them before they could get close enough to eavesdrop on him.

Finding a place to sit down, he propped himself up against the rooftop fence – facing Rider who sat on the ground in front of him. The bento, unforgotten during their escape in the classroom, sat on her lap waiting to be eaten – but that could come later. That wasn't to say he wasn't grateful for the food, but there were a few things he had to clear up.

For the first order of business… "How did you even find me?" Shirou asked. "You guys were just summoned today, weren't you? You haven't had a chance to see the city yet – much less go to the school and find my class.

"Don't tell me, Archer told you how to get here," Shirou said, though he wouldn't have been surprised at all if that was the case.

"He could have," Rider said. "But, there was no need for him to. After all, any one of us would have been able to do it on our own."

"And why is that?" Shirou asked. They had told him many things when they were explaining to him what the Holy Grail War was – but it seemed at times there were just as many things they had forgotten to mention. For example, the command seals from earlier.

"We all have a connection with you, Shirou," Rider said. "You already know that we that we require prana from you, right?"

"Yes, Caster had said as much," Shirou said, nodding his head.

"It is through that connection we can tell where you are. As long as you are able to send us prana, we will always be able to find you."

Shirou furrowed his brow. "I see," he said. "Then, would I be able to do that as well?"

"If you concentrated enough, I am sure you would be able to, Master," Rider said.

"Well, that's good to have, if I need to find one of you," he said, smiling. "Ah – but I need to know… is it possible that you can sense other things through the connections."

"We could possibly see into your past in our dreams," Rider said. "It is more likely to happen the stronger your connection with us becomes. And," Rider added, her voice quieting a little. "It is possible you will see our pasts as well."

Shirou didn't miss the way she shifted uncomfortably when she mentioned that possibility. Whatever happened in her past, it must have been hard on her. He had nothing to hide (from his servants, at least), but not everybody could be at ease with the knowledge that someone could read their pasts like a book.

Then again, given the nature of heroic spirits, most of them probably had been in books anyway.

"Isn't there a way to prevent that?" he asked, more for Rider's sake than his own.

"No, not without severing our ties," Rider said, facing down a little. "I do not want that."

"I understand," Shirou said. "But don't worry – even if I see what happens, I'll trust you no matter what." They earned it anyway, for saving him.

"Ah," Rider said, smiling. "Thank you, Shirou."

"Though you know," Shirou said, scratching his cheek. "You didn't have to come all this way to bring me lunch; I told you guys it's better if I come alone."

"The prana you transmitted us had started to wane," Rider said. "Caster explained that you might be lacking nourishment – and so she had Archer prepare a meal."

Oh, so it wasn't Archer's idea to send her over after all. "I'm surprised he went along with that so easily," Shirou said.

"It seems Archer takes cooking very seriously," Rider said.

"Hm… so that guy has some redeemable traits after all," Shirou said. He might have to change his opinion of the guy, if he loved cooking as much as Shirou did.

"On that note," Rider said, removing the handkerchief wrapping from the bento. "Say 'ah~' Shirou."

"Huh?" Shirou blinked.

Already, Rider had the chopsticks ready, and a piece of parmesan pork out held firmly between them. "I am going to feed you by hand, Shirou."

"And why would you do that?" Shirou asked. "It's okay, I can eat by myself. I'm not so tired that I can't hold a pair of chopsticks after all."

"Still, it is important for Shirou to conserve his strength. In fact, Lancer suggested that I do precisely this for you when I finally found you."

Lancer… he would give that sort of advice, wouldn't he?

"No, really, don't worry about it."

"Shirou…"

"Yes?"

"Say 'ah~'" she said, more forcefully than before. For some reason, Shirou couldn't help but feel oppressed by an invisible aura that he could feel emanating from her.

It was a little scary, to be honest.

"'Ah~'" he relented, and immediately the aura disappeared from Rider. The woman smiled and, like that, placed the meat in his mouth. Though it was a little awkward, having her watch him chew, he admitted that it wasn't so bad to go along with her – though, he couldn't help but feel a little jealousy for Archer's culinary skills.

"Now," Rider said when he finished, practically beaming. "Say 'thank you ma'am, may I have another?' for me, please."

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you Rider?" Shirou said, dryly.

"Of course I am," she replied, not hiding her glee at all. "Now, open up~"

XXX

Rin knew she couldn't discuss the Holy Grail War in the middle of her classroom, so it was necessary to change location. They needed a private place, away from prying eyes and curious ears. Fortunately, she knew just the place.

"…Rin, who eats lunch in the girl's locker room?" Luvia asked, raising brow.

"Don't complain," Rin said, rolling her eyes. "I told you to eat your lunch along the way like I did."

"How could you expect me to do something as uncouth as that, Rin?"

"They were sandwiches! You can hold them in one hand. It's not like you need to sit down at a table and eat it with a knife and fork, you know."

"It's the principle of the thing!" Luvia said, not budging on this issue.

"Whatever," Rin said, sighing. "Look – just listen to me, this is important. We had to come here so that nobody would eavesdrop on us, you know."

"Fine," Luvia said, starting where she left off in her lunch; she could eat and listen at the same time after all. "But this better be good."

Rin took a deep breath. She knew she had to explain this carefully to Luvia, otherwise she might misunderstand the situation again.

"Okay, Luvia," she began. "You remember how you came here for the Holy Grail War, right?"

"Of course," Luvia scoffed. "How could I forget my original purpose for coming here?"

"And you remember how there are supposed to be seven masters, right?"

"And how each master summons a servant of their own?"

"Yes, yes," Luvia said, getting bored with the explanation already. "And in total, there are seven classes, a different one for each of the masters' servants."

"Can you name them all for me?"

Luvia frowned. "Is there really a point for all this, Rin?"

"Just humor me," Rin said, rubbing her temples to ward off a headache.

"Well, first there are the knight classes, the servants Saber, Archer and Lancer. Then there's Caster, the servant that uses magic as their weapon, Assassin, the servant who strikes from the shadows, and Berserker, the servant whose madness allows them to push past their limits. Finally, there's Rider, the servant that fights atop a steed."

Rin hanged her head, groaning. Had Luvia truly been this thickheaded before?

"Luvia," Rin said, deciding to spell it out for the girl once and for all. "I think the Rider you saw today is _Rider_."

Luvia blinked. "Of course I know that, Rin. You may as well say Issei is Issei."

"No," Rin said, gritting her teeth – wondering if she should just give up entirely now. However, she had gone through too much work just to leave it at this. "What I mean is Rider is the _Servant Rider_."

Luvia stared at Rin, a couple of beats passing by in silence. Then, Luvia rolled her eyes. "Of course I know that, Rin."

"Wait." This time, it was Rin's turn to blink. "You knew who she was?"

"Well, not _who_ she was," Luvia said. "It's not like I know who she was when she was still alive, you know."

"But you knew that she was a servant."

"Naturally," Luvia said, crossing her arms. "Just who do you think I am, Rin? It would've been plain as day if you had seen her. She didn't look Japanese at all, she was unbelievably fast and, _oh_, there's the tiny little fact that she's called _Rider_."

"So you knew," Rin groaned, face palming. "You knew all along."

"Is that what you dragged me out here for?" Luvia said, looking around, "Because, it was much nicer in the classroom."

"No, well yes," Rin admitted, wondering how she had ever been foolish enough to go through all of this. "But not entirely. Anyway, if you knew who she was, then why were you so worried about her in the first place?"

"Isn't it obvious, Rin? I thought you would have understood," Luvia said.

"No… I think that I don't understand things as well as I thought I did," Rin said. At least, she added to herself, when it came to dealing with Luvia.

"If she is a servant, then the person that she came to see today must have been her master."

"Yes."

"And, if Shirou is her master, that means he had to have summon her, right?"

"Well, not always," Rin said, thinking about how other people could form a contract with a master-less servant. "But, it's easy to assume that's the case, I guess."

"And Emiya Shirou isn't a part of a particularly distinguished family, is he?"

"No, I suppose not," Rin said; the only notable families from around this area were her own and the Matous, she supposed.

"So, what are the chances that he would have found a suitable catalyst to summon Rider?"

"Not very likely," Rin said. "After all, if I had trouble finding one, I can't imagine he had any easier of a time. So, where are you going with all this?"

"Isn't it obvious Rin?" Luvia said, tapping her foot. "Without a catalyst, the servant summoned is usually the one that has the best possible compatibility with their master!"

Rin stared at Luvia.

"…and your point is?"

"That means that there's a high probability of the two of them hitting it off!"

Rin paused, before introducing her palm to her forehead. "_That's_ what you're so worried about?"

"Aren't you worried about it too?"

"Why would I be?" Rin asked, crossing her arms.

"Well – just earlier you were talking about how you were in the same situation as I was," Luvia pointed out.

Rin blinked – and felt her face flush a little. "Now, hold on a second! I was talking about the Holy Grail War! I was trying to cheer you up over how you were too late when it came to summoning a servant!"

"Oh that," Luvia said, bowing her head a little. "I have already gotten over that, Rin. I expect my family will be a little disappointed, but I also believe they will be relieved that I won't be putting myself in danger after all.

"Though… I might have trouble convincing them to let me stay here a little longer," she said, more to herself than to Rin. "But you know," she continued, looking back up at the other girl. "I was sure that if there was anybody in this school you would like, it would have to be a guy like Shirou."

"No, I absolutely have no relation with that guy," Rin said, frowning. "I haven't even talked with him that much."

"But you remember who he is, despite not being in the same class as him."

"That's…" Rin sighed, giving up; she was beginning to find that it wasn't worth it to argue with Luvia at all. "Never mind."

"Well, I suppose this means you at least won't have to be heartbroken when I steal your chances of being with him away from you," Luvia mused, smiling.

It was a challenge, filled with the confidence that Luvia could attract a man better than Rin could. If the situation wasn't what it was right now, Rin might have fallen for it too.

"I said never mind!" Rin yelled, trying to maintain her focus. "There's still something else you should know."

"Oh?"

"I told you how the last six servants were summoned last night, right?"

"Yes, I recall that."

"Well," Rin said, leaning closer. "It seems that all of them were summoned at the same time."

"All of them? At the same time?" Luvia asked. "That's… strange."

"Yeah," Rin agreed, nodding. "And to be honest, I don't believe it could possibly a coincidence."

"Then, do you think… maybe someone summoned six servants at once?" The thought of someone being able to pull that off – it was a little frightening, even for Luvia.

"No, I don't think that's possible," Rin said, shaking her head. "I mean, someone like that would have to be an unparalleled genius that came only once every few hundred – no, every few thousand years."

Luvia furrowed her brow. "Then… in that case, it was likely a group of people working together, right?"

"It's not unheard of," Rin said. "In the previous war, it seems like there were a group of people that banded together for the war."

"Then do you think Shirou's part of them? Working with other magi to become masters in the war."

"…no," Rin said, shaking her head. "I don't think that's likely; after all, I couldn't even tell he was a magus, and I can't imagine anybody choosing him to summon a servant. He must have done it on his own."

"In that case," Luvia said, her eyes widening. "He must be the one that summoned the servant ahead of time."

Shirou was in danger; well, more danger than Luvia had initially believed he had been. It was one thing to take part in a free for all, but if the other six masters and servants all ganged up against him it wouldn't matter how amazing a servant Rider was (which, to be honest, Luvia didn't believe was all that much), Shirou and his servant would be crushed in an instant.

"Rin-"

"I know," Rin said, already guessing what Luvia was going to say. "You're worried about him, right? Even I understand that much."

"Then, what should we do?"

Rin stroked her chin, mulling over the situation carefully. The only way Shirou could truly be safe is if he broke the connection with Rider, something she couldn't see a master who had so eagerly summoned his servant before anyone else doing easily. If Luvia and Rin approached him carelessly he might even assume that they were enemy masters, and order Rider to attack them. Even if the two of them were talented magi, she didn't think the two of them could take on a servant on their own – not without careful preparation.

Still, she wasn't so heartless that she'd left a classmate walk into a dangerous situation without understanding what he was getting into. It would be a massacre.

"We'll lure him out," Rin decided. "It'll have to be somewhere where we'll have the advantage, however. But we'll have to be careful, no master worth their salt would willingly walk into anything that looks like a trap, after all."

"Lure him out, huh?" Luvia bowed her head thinking. To be honest, she had thought many times on how to be alone with Shirou – though all of the plans she had attempted had been just as successful as the "accidental second lunch box" one; in other words, not at all.

She still had no intention of giving up, however, and there were still quite a few things she had yet to try out. Her Japanese culture study material had given her all sorts of scenarios that she could use, after all – the only problem was figuring out which one was the most appropriate for their needs.

"Ah," she said, smiling devilishly. "I've got a plan, Rin. Just leave it up to me."

"Can I really trust you with this?" Rin asked.

"Of course! After all, I am a genius, Rin. There is no way my plan can fail."

XXX

Emiya Shirou had somehow managed to make it through the school day without collapsing. Whatever Archer had made, it had given him the energy to stay awake, even through his biology test. He wasn't sure how he did, but he had completed it.

The down side was that, when he returned to class, everybody had asked about Rider. Once more, he explained the story to them, though Luvia, who had been so confrontational with Rider in the first place, missed that particular telling – arriving even later than Shirou did to class, just in time for it to begin. However, her mood seemed to be better, not that he understood why she seemed to have a problem with Rider in the first place. He was a little worried when she glanced over to him a few times, but the smiles she gave him reassured him that there was probably nothing wrong after all.

All in all, the rest of the afternoon was uneventful – that is, until he found a letter waiting inside his shoebox.

"…who even does this sort of thing nowadays?"


	5. And I'll be as hard on you as possible!

"What if (Almost) Everybody Was Shirou's Servant?" by Mereo Flere

Chapter 5

A/N: I generally try to avoid Author's Notes unless I think it's not going to be covered in the story itself eventually so if if I'm not answering your question right now it probably will be explained.

That said, a lot of people aren't familiar with who Luvia is, if they've only seen FSN. Her full name is Luviagelita Edelfelt, though she's more commonly known as Luvia, and while she doesn't show up in Fate/Stay Night she has appeared in several spinoffs - including the video game Fate/Unlimited Codes, the VN Fate/Hollow Ataraxia, and the manga Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya and its sequel Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya 2wei. The last two manga is probably where I'm most familiar with myself.

I included her because I thought it would be funny, and in this story she came to Fuyuki to take part in the war. Her transferring to Rin's school was done more or less on a whim for her. Overall, a few things happened differently, and this just happened to be one of them.

Thanks for reading!

XXX

It did not surprise Shirou to find Rider waiting outside of the school gates for him. Though he hadn't explicitly told her that she should go home, he had suggested she should leave the school after feeding him before a teacher found her and got him in trouble. Considering that she had suggested the idea of simply knocking anybody out before they could spot her (which he promptly rejected of course), he was satisfied that she had left without causing any more trouble at all.

Of course, when he told her that he wasn't going to be heading home right away she hadn't exactly taken it well when he explained that he was going to meet with a classmate. Like Saber, Rider also seemed to be worried about his safety.

"Master, you do realize that she says she's going to kill you if you don't show up, right?" she said in a worried tone, looking over the letter he received. She had insisted on seeing it and, against his better judgment, he had shown it to her.

"It's probably just a joke," Shirou said, rubbing the back of his head. To be honest, he couldn't really explain it as well; Luvia wasn't the type to use that sort of humor – not that he would tell that to Rider. "Besides, that's crossed out."

"Shirou, the fact that it was written at all is disturbing."

"Well, if she really wanted to kill me she would have started on a new piece of paper so I couldn't find out, right?" he said, hoping that that was the case.

"What if she's an enemy master? You said she only transferred here recently, didn't you?"

Shirou shook his head. "You said there are only seven servants, didn't you? Since I summoned you guys and Ilya summoned Berserker there isn't really any room for other masters."

Rider crossed her arms, pacing back and forth to come up with an argument against that. "What if she's working with Ilyasviel, then?"

"Somehow," Shirou said, chuckling at the thought of Luvia being subservient to anyone at all. "I don't think Luvia is the type to accept someone like Ilyasviel as her boss. Or anyone else, for that matter of fact; she spent a lot of time talking about how noble her family was when she first came here, you see.

"And besides," he continued, smiling at Rider. "She's my friend. Sure, she hasn't been here that long, but I can at least trust that she won't try to kill me."

Rider stared at her master. "You really are confident about that aren't you, Shirou?"

"Ah…" Shirou said sheepishly. "Let's just say some things happened. Anyway, you don't have to worry – I'll be home long before the sun is down."

XXX

Rin and Luvia had headed to the designated location as soon as school was over, taking Luvia's limousine to arrive there before Shirou. Rin had to admit that it was convenient to be driven around everywhere and was reminded that though the two of them belonged to distinguished families there was still a difference in actual prestige. Not that Luvia ever flaunted the monetary superiority between them. No, with magi it was always about talent and history; while Luvia admitted that they may have been similarly talented, the Edelfelt's legacy had existed for far longer than the Tohsaka's. Rin, in turn, pointed out that the fact that her family had caught up at all was a testament to her family's line.

These were the sort of arguments the two of them had together when they were alone. The drive over to the park, however, was silent.

They had chosen it because there were a very low number of visitors that showed up there, and a barrier would prevent the ones that might appear to enter the location. They could also prepare traps to delay a servant should a fight break out and give themselves time to escape. Still, Rin was worried about the situation.

They would be up against a servant. Even if they were to survive an encounter they might have to go into hiding if Shirou perceived them as a threat; it wouldn't be difficult to find out where Luvia and Rin lived, after all.

Rin glanced over the other person in the car, wondering how she was fairing. There, Luvia was leaning forward in her seat hands held in front of her face, clearly deep in thought about the situation. Rin smiled a little, knowing that her partner was taking it as seriously as she was.

"So, Rin," Luvia said, turning to her. "You _really_ don't like Shirou after all?"

…or not.

"Are you still on that," Rin said, rolling her eyes. "I told you, I don't care about him one bit. I can't even figure out why you're so obsessed with him anyway. What happened between the two of you anyway?"

"Ah, well, you see," Luvia said, feeling her cheeks get hotter. "What happened was – oh, look we're here!"

True to Luvia's word, the car had come to a stop. Immediately, she opened her door instead of waiting for the driver to do it for her like she usually did. "Let us go, Rin!" she declared hastily, heading inside of the park ahead of Rin.

"Hold on, don't think this is over yet, Luvia!" Rin yelled, chasing after her rival. After all, if she was that embarrassed how could Rin _not_ want to know?

"What happened between Shirou and I can wait for later! You should be more serious about getting ready for the meeting with him, Rin!"

"I don't want to hear that from you!"

As the two of them ran inside of the park neither of them saw the girl sitting on the bench as they passed her. It was only a coincidence that she had gone out for a stroll of course, and another coincidence that she had chosen to stop there of all places to enjoy her crepe, but it did not change the fact that she had overheard the two of them.

It seemed that despite the earlier setback last night that fate would smile upon Ilyasviel.

"Now, what's this about Onii-chan?" the small girl said curiously, watching the two girls as they ran further into the park.

XXX

Somehow or another, Shirou had managed to convince Rider to go home. He had a feeling that Luvia would be irritated if he brought her along, and there were some questions he had wanted to ask. Like, why couldn't they just talk during class? Or after school? Or if she really thought he wouldn't notice the crossed out threat in her letter?

For now, however, he would settle for, "What's Tohsaka doing here too?" he asked, as he neared the fountain where he spotted the two talking about something.

The two of them froze when he spoke, and slowly turned their heads towards him. It seemed that neither of them heard him jogging up; they really had been engrossed in their discussion. "Is... there something wrong?" he asked, looking at the two of them.

"It's nothing," Luvia said hastily, shooting a silencing glance at Rin. However, she quickly turned back to Shirou, smiling brightly at him. "Anyway, I'm glad to see you here. I take it you've read my letter?" she asked, eyes filled with hope.

"Well, yes," Shirou admitted, scratching his head. To be honest, he didn't expect her to be _this_ excited to see him. She must have been really looking forward to it.

"Then," she began hesitantly, fidgeting her fingers behind her back. "Have you decided to accept…?"

She held her breath. Despite the confidence that she had displayed earlier in front of Rin, she wasn't so arrogant to think that someone might not like her. There were probably plenty of people who didn't, after all. Few of them, however, ever mattered to Rin.

"About that," Shirou said slowly, rubbing the back of his head. She felt her heart sank a little, but kept up her smile anyway. "I don't really understand it, but are you really fine with me?"

"Of course I chose you!" Luvia said with a huff, stamping her foot. "There's nobody else that it could possibly be?"

"Are you sure?" Shirou asked, looking back down at the letter in his hands. "I mean, there's Issei – and, well, people always said there was something going on between you and Rin…"

A little off to the side, Rin had started to giggle. Luvia, however, was not as amused. Issei was one thing, but Rin? How could possibly anybody think that the two of them were together? Really, just because the two of them shared lunch together… but even that was only because Shirou was always getting dragged away by the student council president!

"It's nothing like that at all!" she shouted, blushing furiously. "I know we spend time with each other, and maybe we have a few similarities, and perhaps I could even call her my friend… but nothing like that would ever happen at all! And you there, Rin! Stop laughing!"

"Sorry," she apologized, waving her hand. "It's just that I couldn't help myself. It _is_ a ridiculous thought, though, isn't it?" she asked, still chuckling a little.

Shirou laughed weakly, though not because he found anything funny about this. It was just that it felt awkward to stand there, just feeling lost. But, Luvia was taking this seriously, so he knew that he should as well.

"In any case," he said with a cough. Adjusting his shirt, he stood up straight – holding out a hand. "If you are truly fine with me-"

"I-I already told you that I was, Shirou!"

"-then I'll gladly accept it," Shirou finished, holding out a hand.

Luvia's eyes widened, staring at his hand. It was a strange gesture for this, she believed; it seemed too formal for accepting a confession, but then again she wasn't too familiar with the customs in this land just yet. Still, she would take whatever she would get.

"Well then," she said, feeling her face flush a little; hearing Rin laugh louder in the background didn't help at all. Looking down so that she couldn't see how embarrassed she was, she reached out and took hold of his hand with both of her own. "I guess it can't be helped," she said, even if she knew it was pointless to try to act cool now. "It's official then! I guarantee you won't regret your decision, Shirou."

"Yes," Shirou said, shaking her hands. "I'll do my best not to disappoint you!"

"Oh Shirou, you could never do that."

"And don't go easy on me either! You be as hard on me as you can, and I'll be as hard on you as possible!"

Somehow, Luvia turned even redder than she had been before. "H-hard on me? W-well, if you insist," she mumbled, already imaging what he meant by that.

"Of course! If we're going to do this," he said cheerfully. "Then we have got to do it right! What's the point of being rivals if we don't push each other to new heights?"

Luvia blinked, feeling her blood freeze for a moment. Slowly, she raised her head and soon her now cold, almost lifeless eyes pierced through Shirou.

"What did you just say?" she asked, sending a chill down Shirou's spine.

"Luvia," Shirou said shakily, feeling the grip around his hand grow stronger. "You're starting to hurt my hand."

"What did you just say?" Luvia repeated, her fingertips digging into his hand now.

"Luvia, you're scaring me."

"**Just answer the question Shirou."**

Shirou gulped, and quickly thought back to a few moments ago. "Why bother being rivals if we don't make each other better?" he adlibbed, hoping that it was close enough to what he said.

"**Yes. Rivals. Why would you think that I was doing something as ridiculous as asking you to be my rival?"**

"I-isn't that why you sent me a letter of challenge?"

"**Letter of challenge?"** Luvia asked, tilting her head creepily.

"Yes, you gave it to me, didn't you?" Shirou asked, quickly holding out the somewhat crumpled letter to the girl.

Thankfully, she let go of his (now bruised) hand, snatching the letter away from him. Ripping off the open envelop, she tossed it aside and quickly read over the contents. Then, she looked back up and terrified Shirou with her gaze once more – though, thankfully, she quickly turned her head over to a nearby Tohsaka Rin.

Rin by this time had completely burst into tears while laughing, though she immediately stopped when she sensed Luvia focus on her.

"**Rin."**

"Y-yes?"

"**This isn't my letter. This isn't even my handwriting. And why does it say I'd kill him if he didn't show up? Tell me,"** Luvia said slowly, every word - every syllable! - emphasized with killing intent.** "Do you have an explanation for this?"**

"I couldn't help myself," Rin said, her voice shaking. She was telling the truth too; after spending so much time with Kotomine growing up, she had trouble resisting the urge to mess with people. "I read your original letter, and thought it might not be sufficient in getting him to come, you see. And besides, that last part was crossed off!"

Luvia continued to glare at Rin. For a moment the twin-tailed schoolgirl was afraid that Luvia might attack her over this. How many times had Rin herself wanted to get back at Kotomine, after all the mind games he had played with her over the years?

Luvia raised a hand in the air, hand shaking with anger. Rin took a step back, expecting Luvia to jump at her at any moment now. Then…

…Luvia just fell to her knees, letting out a cry. "Rin, you meanie!" she sobbed, wiping away a tear with the back of her hand.

"Look, I'm sorry," Rin said, feeling a wave of guilt wash over her. Maybe she had taken things too far after all. "I-I'll make it up to you," she said, running over to the fallen girl.

As Rin kneeled to pat Luvia on the back, however, Luvia's hand shot out and grabbed her by the wrist. **"Got you,"** Luvia said, looking up at Rin with bloodshot eyes.

Rin's she gasped when she realized she was caught and immediately she struggled to get free. However, there was no point; Luvia was simply too strong for her at that moment. And so, she accepted her fate and closed her eyes, gritting her teeth so that she wouldn't let out a shameful scream.

Hopefully, her execution would be swift at least.

XXX

"Okay," Rin said, nursing the bump on her head that had appeared after Luvia had continuously ground her knuckls into it. "I deserved that."

"You deserved more than that," Luvia said with a huff, crossing her arms. "To think, you tried playing with a Maiden's heart!"

Shirou scratched his cheek, wondering what he had missed. Still, he was thankful that whatever happened to possess Luvia had been, for the moment at least, sealed away – sent back to wherever it had been summoned from.

"So, Tohsaka wrote that letter, huh?" he said aloud, having figured that much. "Then, if it wasn't your rival that you wanted me to become what was it exactly?"

"It doesn't matter," Luvia sighed, shaking her head. "The mood has been totally ruined anyway. I'll just try next time, I suppose."

"It's your fault for not taking this seriously," Rin said, scowling. "If you hadn't come up with such a embarrassing letter I wouldn't have had to switch it." If you thought about it, she had actually done Luvia a favor. All that purple prose about Shirou's wild, untamed hair of fire, his deep blue eyes filled with deep passion that knew no depths and everything else would have scared off any guy anyway.

"I don't want to hear that from you right now, Rin," Luvia said, through gritted teeth. "Though, I suppose you're right… we should get on with this.

"But remember," she added, glancing over to Rin. **"I still haven't completely forgiven you yet."**

"Duly noted," Rin said, as she shivered slightly. Shirou, too, made a mental note not to piss Luvia off.

"So then," Shirou asked, trying not to sound impatient. If it wasn't important then he might have risked pissing of some of his servants for no reason. "What is it?"

"Ah yes," Luvia said, straightening back up. The main reason she had called him hear was to tell him he was in danger, not make a confession… even if that would have been a nice bonus. "Shirou… we know the truth. You're a Master, aren't you?"

Shirou immediately tensed up, realizing that they knew about the Holy Grail War too. He shouldn't have been surprised, since in order to summon a servant you had to know about the ritual in the first place… usually, anyway. Shirou himself had been a gross exception it seems, and he wasn't sure what he had done in the first place.

Still, maybe he could get out of this with a denial.

"Don't think about denying it either," Rin said, as if she were able to read his mind. Damn it, was she psychic like Archer too? "Luvia saw Rider enter your classroom earlier today. We know you summoned a servant, Shirou."

…that was right. How could he forget about that? Though, that might have explained why Luvia was so shocked to see Rider in the first place.

"You…you're not Masters, are you?" he said, looking around nervously. Despite what he said about it being impossible that Ilyasviel would be the only master, he suddenly wasn't quite so sure.

"No," Luvia said, giving him a reassuring smile. Shirou calmed down a little. "Actually, we were going to be, but something unfortunate happened that prevented us from doing so."

"In fact," Rin continued, taking a seat down on the edge of the fountain. "That's what we wanted to talk to you about."

Oh god. They knew. They knew that he had summoned six servants, and in doing so prevented them from summoning their own. Rin and Luvia must have come here to take revenge. They'd kill him, and try to take his command seals.

…no, he couldn't think that way. Though he was surprised to find out the two of them were magi, he couldn't think that the people in his school would be so cold blooded, especially not the school idols. To begin with, Luvia was his friend and Tohsaka… well he couldn't imagine her attacking him out of revenge either.

"What is it?" he asked, deciding to see how this played out.

"You see," Luvia explained, "We have good reason to believe you're in danger."

Rin nodded. "A lot of danger."

"Yes, I understand that," Shirou said. He understood it better than anyone. "It comes with being a master, doesn't it?"

"No!" Luvia said, stomping her foot. "You don't understand. Last night, it appears that the last six of the servants were all summoned last night."

"Yes?" Shirou said, wondering how they knew this. "And, your point is?"

"Well," Rin continued, seeing that Shirou clearly didn't understand the implication of this. "We have good reason to believe that the six of these servants are working together."

Shirou nodded his head slowly. If he wasn't worried about how terrifyingly accurate their information was he would've been impressed… though, why bother to tell him things he already knew? "So?" he asked, crossing his arms. "What's your point?"

"The point, Shirou?" Luvia asked, incredulous over her crush's lack of concern. "You're in danger!"

Once again, Shirou tilted his head, confused. "Yes, but we went over that already, didn't we?"

"No, you don't understand," Rin said, rubbing her temples. "We're afraid those six servants are going to attack you all at once!"

Shirou blinked, eyes darting between Rin and Luvia. "Look," he said, holding up his hands. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."

Rin rolled her eyes. Of course there was a misunderstanding, a huge misunderstanding, the biggest misunderstanding of all time!

"There's no reason for my own servants to attack me, is there?"

"No, of course your own servant wouldn't attack you," Rin scoffed. "That's not what we're talking about!"

"Um, Rin," Luvia said shakily, tugging at the other girl's sleeve. "He said servants."

"Yes, and?" Rin asked, raising a brow. A few moments of silence passed, before she realized her mistake. "Wait, what?" No, that couldn't be right. It was impossible. How could anybody possibly summon six servants at once? "You're joking," Rin said, hands shaking.

Luvia, on the other hand, was taking the news far better than Rin was. Her eyes were shining as she grabbed Shirou's hand. "You're amazing Shirou! To think, that I would meet a genius of your caliber when I came here!" Really, it only reinforced the fact that there was nobody else in the world that could possibly be as suited for her as him.

Shirou, still a little scared of Luvia after the recent experience, somehow managed not to pull away when Luvia held his hand again. "I'm not as amazing as you think I am," Shirou said, a little embarrassed by the unwarranted praise.

"Don't be so humble, Shirou. To think, you summoned six servants… it's completely unheard of! Nobody has even imagined let alone tried to accomplish such a feat!"

Shirou smiled weakly, holding back an awkward laugh. "That's just the thing… I wasn't even trying to do it."

Rin's eyes twitched. "You…" she began, stepping in between Luvia and Shirou, separating the two for the moment. "You weren't even _trying_?" Just how arrogant was he to so casually dismiss how incredibly ridiculous this feat was?

"Yes," Shirou said, stepping back. Unlike Luvia, it seemed that Rin wasn't as pleased with this news after all. "It happened completely on accident, you see."

Rin paused. "An accident, you say?" she asked, cautiously.

"Yes," Shirou repeated. "An accident."

"I see, I see," Rin said nodding her head.

"You do?" Shirou sighed in relief; it seemed that that she finally understood what he had been saying.

"Of course I don't!" Rin yelled, grabbing him by the collar. "Just how big of a fool do you think I am?"

"Now, now… Rin was it?" a voice behind them said. "He's not lying at all. I thought that he didn't look like much at first as well, but it turned out that he was full of surprises."

The three high school students froze. The two girls turned around while Shirou simply looked over Rin's shoulder – finding exactly the person he had dreaded to see. There, standing on the fountain's edge, was Ilyasviel von Einzbern.

Rin and Luvia quickly exchanged glances. There was no doubt in their minds that this person was a magus; normal people would never have gotten through their barrier. Before they could ask her who she was, however, Shirou stepped forward in front of them, standing protectively between the two girls and his sister.

"Hello, Ilyasviel," he greeted her in a guarded tone.

"Hello, Onii-chan," Ilyasviel greeted him back, cheerfully curtseying for him. "Oh my… to be honest, I'm surprised… it doesn't look like you've brought any of your servants along? What a shame too, since you have so many."

"Well," Shirou admitted, regretting that he had sent Rider home all of a sudden. "To be honest, I didn't expect to see you again so soon."

"How naïve of you, Shirou," Ilyasviel said, smiling. "And, unfortunately for you, I didn't make the same mistake."

Ilyasviel raised her hand and snapped her fingers. Then, just like the previous night, Berserker appeared – materializing seemingly out of thin air. This time Shirou watched carefully – now convinced that the giant had simply been hidden before and had in fact been standing there for quite some time before revealing himself. How someone as large as Berserker could manage that, however, was a mystery. Perhaps he would have to ask his servants about it – if he made it through this alive.

"Berserker," Ilyasviel said, as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Kill him."

XXX

Normally, Ilya had originally planned to play around with Shirou when she caught him in the park – to let him run about like he did last night. It had been fun watching him run around, trying to stay alive, never quite realizing that his life was in the palm of her hand; Berserker's, really, but she was the one that would guide the killing blow. Though she had been surprised that he managed to summon six servants just when he was about to be executed, in the end she believed that would simply make the game more interesting. Now Shirou could properly try to defend himself, to use those servants as his shields – and she would have loved to watch Berserker cut a bloody path through each one of them.

Last night, he had surely found a measure of hope for his continued existence and she had hoped to smother it slowly, and see Kiritsugu's son ultimately turn to despair. Then, when she finally decided to deliver her vengeance, the Holy Grail would immediately be in her reach.

However…

He hadn't thought to bring any of his servants with him, even after Berserker's display of strength. True, the two of them had retreated that night, but there was no doubt in the gap of power between her servant and Shirou's. Four of them couldn't hold Berserker. Even with all of their noble phantasms, whatever they were, she could not imagine them taking even halve of his lives.

Despite that, he had underestimated her completely. If it was simple arrogance that led him to be so sure in his own safety, she would have enjoyed crushing it just to see the look of surprise. Instead, it was simple stupidity.

…how could she possibly enjoy a game where the prey didn't realize the stakes at all?

So, she gave the order to kill him. It was better to be over with this if it was going to be so dull…

Berserker charged. With his speed, it would not take even a second to cross the distance between him and his target. There really nothing that _could_ stop him.

But, something did.

With only a quarter of the original distance left between Berserker and Shirou, he felt a source of prana surge behind him. With impossible speeds he jumped back, not even able to spare the time it would take to turn around. In an instant, he was by Ilya's side just before the fountain blew up – acting as her shield from the explosion.

Whatever it was, it would have been powerful enough to kill any magus – perhaps even disorient a lesser servant. However, against Berserker's skin of armor, a noble phantasm that could resist all but the most powerful of attacks, it did not even make a scratch. Berserker neither budged nor flinched as he covered Ilya; not even a single drop of water had wet her clothes.

"My, my," Ilya said, still shielded behind Berserker's body. There was no need to guess who had planted the trap. There was no way someone like her Shirou could have set it up, and she had been watching him the whole time anyway. Only the two girls that had called Shirou here in the first place had the capability and opportunity to prepare it could have done so.

It was a shame, really, when you considered how it was her brother that had gotten all of the servants while they had been left with none. They may have been formidable opponents if they had summoned a servant – ones that she would have inevitably killed, but she had originally planned to let them go. They were no threats as they were, and letting them leave with their lives would have been suitable thanks for letting Ilya meet with her Onii-chan again.

But, they had dared to attack her. That couldn't be forgiven.

"Berserker," she said, loud enough for the girls to hear. They needed to understand just how big the mistake they made was. "Kill those two as well."

The order was given. However, it was not obeyed.

When Berserker didn't move, Ilya looked up at her servant with a puzzled look; he followed her every whim with absolute obedience. The only time he ignored her commands was when it would place her in danger.

Curiously, she took a step to the side, popping her head out for a moment. Then she smiled, pleasantly surprised what she saw.

Maybe her Onii-chan wasn't an idiot after all. To think, he had kept his servants hidden all this time.

"Onii-chan, my opinion of you has raised a little."

XXX

Saber's opinion of Shirou had lowered a little.

She had let him go to school without an escort, and then he willingly walked into danger without any protection at all. Not only that but he had even sent the protection he had had, Rider, home for some reason she couldn't imagine.

"Master, you are an idiot," she whispered to him, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Hey, I didn't know she was going to be here," he whispered back.

"Perhaps," Saber conceded, at least on the fact that the people he was planning to meet hadn't been out to kill him. "But this sort of thing is precisely what you should be prepared for in the first place."

"Still," he said, smiling at her. "Thanks for coming."

"Show your gratitude by ceasing such foolish behavior."

As it was the three of them – Rider, Lancer and herself – had only just barely made it in time to see Ilya order Berserker to charge. Had it not been for that fortunate distraction (really, those girls were more prepared than her own master) they wouldn't have been able to get to Shirou's side in time to stop Berserker.

To be honest, she would have preferred if _all_ of the servants were here. As it was, Archer had sent Caster and Assassin out shopping (who sent other servants to go on a shopping trip, anyway?), while the bowman himself had said he needed to prepare dinner. Lancer himself had only come because he was interested in what kind of girl Shirou had planned to see – probably to tease him over having another girl in his harem, despite the girl apparently proclaiming herself to be Shirou's rival; his reasoning was that there was no greater competition than the ones held between sheets.

Already, Saber had begun to wonder if it was only Rider and herself that seriously worried about their Master.

Still, three of them were here, and three of them would have to make do with the firepower they had.

"Shirou," Lancer said, eyeing the girls that Shirou had been talking with before his sister had interrupted them. He wanted to praise the guy for apparently adding not one, but two girls to his harem (and taking the total number up to four; that solidified its position as an harem) though he knew that this wasn't the time. The teasing would wait until later – after they were safe, and possibly after Saber smacked their master around a bit to vent her anger, but it would definitely happen. "Take your lady friends and run."

"What?" Shirou said, eyes widening. "How can you expect me to leave you guys here? That guy's a monster you know!"

Lancer grinned, understanding the younger boy's feelings. Fleeing a field of battle, while leaving others to fight in his stead? It would have put off Lancer at least, and the argument that he simply was outclassed didn't seem like it would convince his master to leave. Telling Shirou he would only get in the way would make things worse, but fortunately he knew just how to appeal to his master's sense of heroism.

"It's a man's duty to protect the women," he said, eyes glancing over Luvia and Rin. "And these fine girls protected your life just now. The way I figure it, you owe them a debt and so the least you could do is make sure they get out safely."

Shirou looked away from Lancer, clearly digesting that information. It would take some time, but he knew that he would eventually accept Lancer's logic. However, they had no time; they needed to move before Ilya could come up with some sort of plan, and they couldn't move completely until Shirou was safe. Thankfully, someone helped Shirou hurry up with his decision.

"Shirou," Luvia said, tugging on her classmate's sleeve. "He's right. We need to go; we're only going to get in their way here." To her right, Rin nodded in agreement.

"I get it!" Shirou said, grabbing both of their hands – though Rin immediately pulled away, saying something about how she didn't need his help to get away before she took a head start on her escape. Luvia, on the other hand, simply blushed and held tightly onto him, waiting for him to run. "But you guys better stay alive! All of you!" he ordered, as he started to follow Rin – Luvia in tow behind him.

Lancer grinned, giving his master a salute. He had no intention of dying after all, though if it turned out he couldn't obey the order he hoped the boy wouldn't hold it against him; if it happened, it happened.

"Are you ready, Lancer?" Saber asked, thankful that he had somehow gotten through Shirou's thick head.

"Of course, Saber. Just making sure the kid goes where he's needed, that's all." Lancer smiled at Saber, before looking over to Rider – who had maintained her focus on Berserker this entire time without speaking. "How about you, Rider? Are you ready to face Berserker?"

"To be honest," she said, finally throwing a glance back at her retreating master. "I think the endowed girl with blond drills is the biggest threat at the moment."

Lancer grinned. "That's a joke, right?" he asked, just in case.

"…probably," Rider admitted, and suddenly Lancer wasn't as convinced as he was before. "Even if she doesn't appear to be after his life, she is… dangerous."

"…"

"Yes," she said, after a moment. "That was a joke."

To be honest, Lancer couldn't understand her sense of humor. Just in case, however, he raised the Shirou Harem counter yet again today, bringing the total to five.

"Lancer, Rider, stop wasting time. If we fail in this, Master Shirou will be in danger."

_Maybe _six.

XXX

Berserker waited.

Even in his madness, he knew that the servants before him could not match his power, that the gap between their strength and his was as wide and as deep as the ocean. None of the warriors posed a threat to even a single one of his lives in the condition they were in. No matter how fine a hero each may have been in life, it couldn't be denied that quality had been exchanged for quantity when in truth they would have needed both to survive against him.

However, he had Ilya to protect. Above all else, he had to make sure she lived. That couldn't be done by recklessly leaving her side, seeing only what was in front of him. His heart understood that if he took even a step too far away from her the enemy would seize the opportunity to strike at her.

He was strong, but he was only one. They were weak, but they were also three. If he chased after the enemy (any one of them, it didn't matter which), the other two could slip through. Though Ilya was undoubtedly the strongest master that Heaven's Feel had ever seen, against a servant she would be cut down in an instant.

For that reason he stayed by Ilya's side, even as the madness screamed at him to run to the enemy, to grind them into dust. Even when his original target ran away, the one he had been explicitly ordered by Ilya to kill, he did not move away from her, ignoring his prey. Whether it was born from a god or Heaven's feel, Herakles would never again allow madness to prevent him from protecting those he should protect.

And so, he waited.


	6. The Counter was Six

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Summoned by Shirou" by Mereo Flere

A/N: I know Rider's eyes work differently in canon. It's also a good time to point out that Saber isn't using Invisible Air; her sword was visible when she was summoned in this story, and it wouldn't really offer her any real advantage against Berserker.

XXX

Berserker was waiting for them. To be honest, Lancer thought they had kept him waiting long enough. However, the master came first, and so they all waited for him to leave the area.

When Shirou was safe, however, the battle was on. Or rather, it should have been.

Just as he was about to take off and charge straight towards Berserker, Saber grabbed his shoulder, preventing him from moving on. Before he could shirk her off, Rider stepped in front of him – a hand placed on his chest. Though it wouldn't have been enough to stop him if he really tried, he didn't want to

"What do you two think you're doing?" he asked dryly. "I finally have another chance to fight that guy and you're getting in my way."

"What do you think _you're_ doing, Lancer?" Saber said sternly, forcefully turning him around so that he could see her glare at him. He wasn't that impressed. "You were about to challenge him head on! We've got to work together on this and aim for the master."

"Tch," Lancer said, rolling his eyes. "Where's the fun in that?"

"It's the part where we all get to live."

"Like I said," he said, smirking at the girl. "Where's the fun in that?" All he wanted to do was get in a good fight. Was that so hard to understand? Wasn't it enough that he hadn't challenged the other servants to a duel to the death when they were first summoned?

"Would you really be fine dying with the knowledge that Archer outlived you?" Rider asked him. To be honest, she didn't agree with Saber's method of attacking Ilya, but she knew that they would need to work together if they wanted to stand any chance of staying alive.

"Well, when you put it like that," Lancer said, imagining the smug look on Archer's face if that happened. It was a tough decision, knowing how much it would amuse the man… but in the end, he really, _really_ wanted to fight Berserker. "I still want to duel the big guy over there to the death."

"That's suicide!" Saber yelled, shaking her

"It's pointless to stop him," Rider said, stepped away from Lancer – looking him over one more time. "He and Assassin really do have a lot in common after all," she said after a moment.

Saber blinked. "How do you figure?" she asked, examining Lancer closer as well. "Sure, they're both tall, and they both have blue hair…"

"Well, there's that," Rider admitted. "But I was talking about their personalities."

Lancer's eyes widened as the implication sunk in for a moment. "Hey now!" he said defensively, raising both hands of his hands. "I'm nothing like him!"

"Ah, that's right!" Rider exclaimed, tapping herself in the forehead as she realized her grave mistake. "After all, Assassin was _joking_."

"I'm not gay!" Lancer yelled as he stomped his foot on the ground. "Like I said before, I'm as straight as a lance!"

"Is that so?" Rider said, tilting her head curiously. "Then you _don't_ want to go over to that half naked, muscular man and try to thrust your thick, long rod into him as he tries to smack you around with his giant, hard club of his?"

Lancer's eye twitched. That was technically an accurate description of what he wanted to do, but… "You're just trying to make it sound like something it isn't! It's a fight to the death, not whatever crazy scenario you're cooking up in your head!"

"That still wouldn't explain your fashion sense," Rider said, pointing to Lancer's blue bodysuit, which he had changed back into for the fight. "I have to admit, it certainly flatters you, with the way it shows off that well built body of yours, but… wearing it when you 'fight' other men?"

Lancer felt a vein begin to pulse on his forehead. "This suit was designed for maximum mobility in a fight, it wasn't meant for showing off! And don't put air quotes around the word 'fight'!" Lancer complained. "I'm serious about this, after all!"

Rider stared at him, as well as she could with her mask anyway. For a moment, the spearman believed that he had finally gotten through to her.

"Then prove it," Rider said, crossing her arms.

Of course it wasn't going to be that easy. "Why should I prove anything to you?" he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head. This was supposed to be his chance for a battle of epic proportions – so how in the world did his sexual preferences ever come into play?

"You don't _have_ to," Rider said. "After all, it's not like my opinion matters, right?"

Lancer knew that she was right. He knew that in the end he knew what he was and it didn't matter what anybody else thought. He shouldn't have even let them stop him from fighting in the first place!

Yet…

"Watch closely, Rider. I'll show to you once and for all what type of man I am."

…it would still bug him if they held such misconceptions in their head. He had a reputation and an image to uphold, after all.

XXX

Saber had trouble keeping up with Lancer and Rider's "conversation" and though she managed to get the gist of it, there hadn't been a point where she could just break into it. Regardless of how much sense Rider's argument made, the truth was she could not have cared less about Lancer's preferences. She was thankful that it had managed to prevent Lancer from charging to his death, at least for a little while, but now… now they were just bickering, distracting each other when the enemy could move at them at any moment. It was a miracle Berserker hadn't tried to attack them at all at this time; then again, he seemed hesitant to leave his master's side.

Finally, it ended. It seemed Lancer had figured out a way to settle the debate once and for all – and Saber was happy for a moment. Once he had gotten whatever it was he was planning out of the way, they could begin their assault on Ilya.

Yet, when Lancer turned to Saber, her body subconsciously tensed up. Perhaps it was the look of burning determination in his eyes, or the way he told her to hold still for a moment, but something about him felt off. Her instincts, which had rarely failed her in the past, told her danger was approaching.

Panicking was not something that Saber did often. Yet, in this moment when she could not find the words to ask him what he was doing nor the strength to just push him away, all she could do was look to Rider for help… and realize that the taller woman was, for once, not wearing her mask.

It hadn't been intentional on Rider's part. She had simply taken Lancer's words seriously and took off her mask to see the act with her own eyes. Yet, that simple act was what brought Saber down. Rider's eyes weren't ordinary after all and held within them a curse that could petrify anything that met her gaze. Though Saber had magic resistance that would shrug off even Caster's spells, the knight still felt the effects of that curse when her eyes met Rider's.

Saber's body weakened as she felt the pressure of the curse begin to wash over her. However, before she could ask Rider what she had done, Lancer's hand turned Saber's head by her chin, forcing her to look at him once again. It was then that she noticed that his face was suddenly much closer than it had been before – and that it was getting nearer and nearer every moment. By the time that she finally figured out what he was going to do it was too late – Lancer had already struck his target.

XXX

Ilya knew exactly what she had expected when Shirou ran away. The three servants would attack her from three different sides, hoping that one of them could get past Berserker so that they could kill her. Of course, it wouldn't work, Berserker would repel them all even if she made sure to have them hold back, but it would have been entertaining to see them try it anyway. Then she would have had Berserker kill them just when they realize how futile it had been to begin with and tried to run away.

When they didn't even attack at all she had to admit she was surprised. Nonetheless, it was just as – or perhaps even more amusing – to see them bicker amongst themselves. It wasn't even about their strategy or the battle itself; if anything, Rider seemed to be picking on Lancer. It was so hilarious that she decided not to have Berserker kill them while they were distracted, instead choosing to see how their conversation played out.

She wasn't disappointed.

Lancer, as overly defensive as he was, eventually had enough of Rider's teasing and decided to bring an end to it once and for all… by kissing Saber.

It must have been a good kiss too, Ilya noted; though she couldn't see much with her angle (Lancer's back covered most of what happened between him and Saber), Saber herself seemed to go weak in the knees as it happened. It even took Saber a few moments before she found the strength to push Lancer away and though she slapped Lancer hard enough to leave the impression of a gauntlet on his face when Lancer stepped aside Ilya could clearly see a blush on the flustered knight.

"W-what do you think you're doing?" Saber asked in a flustered tone, brandishing her sword at Lancer.

"Proving my masculinity!" he said, rubbing his cheek. "I had to convince Rider that I like girls, after all!"

"By kissing me in the middle of a battle?"

"Technically, we haven't started the battle yet because you guys stopped me, remember? So in a way, it's your fault really."

Saber balled her hand into a fist and tried to hit Lancer again – this time he neatly backed away from her, getting out of arm's reach… and sword's reach as well, just in case.

"You… you couldn't have used Rider instead? She's the one that needed convincing, not me!"

"Well, it didn't seem right to kiss her," Lancer said, stroking his chin. "After all, she's trying to join Shirou's harem, right Rider?" he continued, glancing over to the woman.

Rider nodded, just as she secured her mask back in place, glad that she had taken it off to watch. "Yes," she said with a smile. "Though, I'm not _trying_ to join," she corrected, wagging a finger at Lancer.

"Ah," Lancer said with a laugh. "Of course, my mistake, I'm sorry about that."

"Just don't make that mistake again."

Saber's eye twitched. "That's not the issue here! It still could have been anybody else!"

"Not really," he began, thinking that it had been the logical conclusion. "I couldn't just go over there and kiss the enemy master, after all. She's too young for my tastes anyway. Caster's not here either, so she's out of the picture. You were the only one left."

For some reason, Saber felt really insulted by that comment. Still… "That didn't mean I'd be fine with it!"

Lancer froze, as if it were only now that he understood what he had done wrong. "Ah, of course," he said, his eyes widening in horror. He had done something absolutely unforgivable… crossed a line he shouldn't have. "How could I possibly forget," he said, as he looked down at his hands. On one hand, five fingers were raised; in the other, only one. "The counter _was_ six."

He had nearly stolen a member of his master's harem. Of course, he thought it would be inevitable, what with his dashing good looks and naturally magnetic personality, but to think he would initiate it himself…

That wasn't very bro-like at all. "I'll need to apologize to Shirou," he muttered to himself.

"Apologize to me!"

By that point, Ilya couldn't take hold it in anymore and broke out into laughter. Trying to remain dignified, she attempted to hold up a hand to her mouth – before finding that measure completely inadequate. Soon, she was doubled over in laughter, finishing only when she noticed Saber throwing a dirty look at her.

"Is there something funny, Ilyasviel?" Saber yelled, waving her sword threateningly at Ilya, not that it intimidated the girl much.

"Of course," Ilya said haughtily, with her hands firmly on her hips. "It's not every day I see the legendary King Arthur get so embarrassed over a kiss."

"Hey," Lancer said, rubbing his head. "I'm not that embarrassed… and I'm not King Arthur either. I'm not even British!"

"Not you," Ilya said with a smirk, raising a hand so she could point a finger at the knight. "I mean Saber."

"…what?" Lancer and Rider said in unison.

Lancer looked over to Saber, and after a moment of studying her he blinked. That was a bit of a ridiculous accusation, wasn't it? "Ilyasviel," he said, raising a brow. "It's possible you may have had a sheltered life… but weren't you ever taught the difference between boys and girls?"

"Come now," Ilya said, insulted by the accusation that she hadn't had that simplest bit of education. "Do you take me for a fool?"

"Well, you did just call our friend Saber here a king. She might give off a regal air occasionally, but as Assassin would say," Lancer said, doing his best impression of the samurai as he could. "'The proper terminology for female royalty would be a queen.'"

"I know that," Ilya said, rolling her eyes. "Still – there is no doubt that that knight over there is King Arthur."

"Just how can you be so sure?" Rider asked, understanding that the truth behind legends was occasionally… _different_ from how it was told. After all, she was one such misunderstanding. Besides, it was easy to see why someone would make that mistake. Saber happened to be, for lack of a better term, _flat_.

"It's simple, really," Ilya explained cheerfully. "You see, we summoned her in the last war."

"No, there's no way that can be true," Lancer said, shaking his head. There was a limit to how blind people could be in any era; mistaking a girl as their _King, _that just couldn't be right. There was no way they could have done that.

Unless… he was the one who was mistaken from the start. He had assumed that Saber was a girl, but he had never really taken a close enough look at her…

No. He wouldn't accept it. He _couldn't_ accept it. There was no way that Saber had a penis. Absolutely no way.

"Come on," Lancer pleaded, turning to Saber. "Say something!"

Saber turned to meet Lancer's gaze, before casting her eyes downward. "No," she said after a moment, deciding that it was pointless to lie to Lancer. Ilyasviel would be their only enemy, and she already knew. "It's the truth. I was the King of Britain."

Lancer dropped his spear in shock, falling to his knees. "Th-then that means I just kissed a _King_," he said as he shook his head, trying to deny the truth.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm no longer a king," Saber said.

It didn't make Lancer feel better. At all.

Rider smirked. It seemed Lancer didn't realize Saber _was_ a girl… but rather than correct him, she was going to milk it for all it was worth. "So, Lancer," she said. "I suppose that _did_ prove what kind of man you are after all."

Lancer slowly turned his head towards Rider, his complexion far paler than it had been before. "No… that's not… that was a mistake! A double – no, a triple mistake!"

"Hold on a second," Saber said, tossing a nasty look at him. "A moment ago you were fine with me!" Sure, she hadn't been fine with it, but seeing him get so worked over the fact that she had been a king struck a blow to her ego.

"That was before I knew you were a man!"

"I am neither a man nor a woman," Saber replied indignantly. "I am simply a sword for our master, to be used however he wishes."

"A sword for our master," Lancer repeated to himself, as his eyes trailed down her. For some reason, the phrase bothered him – and he didn't realize why until his gaze reached her waist. "The harem counter **is six**…Shit, I've got to warn Shirou!"

"H-hey," Saber said, turning to the side. "Just where do you think you're looking? And what do you intend to warn him about? And what do you mean, harem counter?"

"Don't act innocent with me, Saber," Lancer said, realizing that he still felt the warmth of Saber's lips on his lips… and the taste of – oh god. "I know all about the trap! The trap you've set for him!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Saber said, throwing her hands up in the air. "You're not making any sense at all!"

"No, you don't make any sense!" Lancer said.

"Frankly," a voice beside them said – this time a man's. "Neither of you are making any sense at all."

Saber and Lancer blinked, finally looking away from each other enough to realize that they were no longer in the park. Instead, they found themselves back home in the Emiya Residence – surrounded by the other servants, Shirou, and his two classmates… all of whom were staring at them.

"Go ahead, though," Archer continued, sipping a cup of tea. "Keep going. Whatever you guys were talking about seems interesting."

XXX

Time seemed to freeze. Lancer couldn't help but wonder if they knew if Saber had been a king or worse yet that he had kissed Saber. Saber herself was confused and, for reasons she couldn't explain, embarrassed – too embarrassed to speak actually. So, it was up to Rider to ask the question that was on all of their minds.

"So…" Rider said, looking to Shirou. "How did we get here?"

"Caster said I could summon you with the command seals," Shirou answered – rolling up his sleeve to reveal that only fifteen of them were left on his arm. "To be honest, I'm surprised none of you brought it up before."

"Ah," Saber said uncomfortably. "I… suppose it slipped my mind. Forgive me. If we had explained it to you sooner you could have used it to summon the rest of your servants to fight Berserker instead of using it to escape."

Shirou laughed weakly, deciding not to tell her he had no intention of fighting Ilya if he could avoid it. "Well, I'm glad to see you guys are alright at least. You didn't get hurt fighting with Berserker, did you?"

"I can't believe I missed the fight," Assassin grumbled, crossing his arms. "It must have been a battle of epic proportions, right? If only I could have been there!"

"I don't think you missed much," Archer said, grinning. "If I had to hazard a guess, it sounds like they were too _preoccupied_ with other things to fight him."

"That's exactly correct." Rider nodded, exchanging understanding grins to one another. Even if Archer didn't know the full situation, he knew _something_ had happened. And, like her, he seemed more than willing to tease people about it.

Lancer felt his face become pale again, wondering how much that damnable Archer knew. If Archer brought up the kiss with Saber, Lancer wasn't sure if he would ever be able to live it down. Then, of course, there was Rider, who would probably bring it up carelessly if he didn't do anything.

He had to take control of this situation!

"Y-yes," Lancer said, nervously running a hand through his hair. "We found out that Ilya knew Saber's real identity. You guys won't guess who this guy really is, Ki-"

"King Arthur, right?" Archer interrupted, to the surprise of everyone.

"You're joking," Assassin said, looking at Saber. "How could she possibly be the legendary King of Knights?"

"It's a complicated story," Saber said, deciding to finally sit down. "But I assure you, I was the King Arthur in the legends. But," she continued, throwing a puzzled look at Archer. "How did you know me, Archer?"

Archer smirked at her – but, just as Shirou expected him to, he simply shrugged without actually answering her question at all. "Who knows," he said. "Maybe all of you make it so entirely obvious just who it is you are? A baby still learning how to walk could probably figure it out."

"Is that so?" Caster said, glancing at Archer. "Then… you would know who I am?"

"Yes, Medea," he said. "You even called yourself a witch earlier, remember?"

"Ah," Caster said, nodding. "That I did. I'm impressed, if you figured it out from just that."

"Well, not _just_ that," Archer admitted. "But, that's my own little secret."

Shirou rolled his eyes. He was onto Archer and his 'little secret,' and someday soon Shirou was going to make the damn psychic bastard slip up and reveal his mind reading ability.

"Okay," Lancer said, annoyed that Archer had so easily beaten his challenge – even if it hadn't been intended as such in the first place. "So you guessed Saber's and Caster's identity. That doesn't mean anything. I bet you don't know who _I_ am."

Archer looked at Lancer, examining the other knight class servant with an investigative gaze. Lancer simply stood smugly, sure that there was no way for Archer to figure out who _he_ was. And, apparently, Lancer was right.

"You're correct," Archer said, yet despite his "defeat," he grinned. "I don't recognize you at all. You must not have been that important."

Somehow, Lancer felt he was the one that was losing. "Hey now," he said defensively. "Just because you don't know who I am doesn't mean I wasn't amazing! It's your own fault for being ignorant of my legend."

Archer rolled his eyes, shrugging. "Right, because everybody should know about the guy who runs about in a blue leotard, trying to thrust his long, thick spear into any 'worthy opponent' that he can find."

Lancer's eye twitched, and for a moment he considered trying to stab Archer for that comment. "Like I told Rider, this outfit was designed for maximum mobility in a fight! And this spear is made for killing people, not whatever you're thinking!"

"Right, right," Archer said with a chuckle. "And that's why it's called 'gay bulge', right?" In the background, Rider pumped a fist in the air, mentioning something about being right.

"No, its name is _Gáe Bolg, _get it right!" Lancer said, waving his spear threateningly at Archer. Then, all of a sudden, he froze as he realized what it was Archer had just said. "You… I hate you so much, you know that, right?"

"So wait," Rin said, impressed with Archer's deductive abilities. "You know who everybody is?"

"More or less," Archer admitted. "Though," he continued, eyes glancing over to Rider, "I'm sure a couple of us have reasons for not wanting their true identity to be revealed."

"I take that means you're not going to reveal who you are?" Shirou asked curiously.

"No."

XXX

Saber was concerned about Archer. There were plenty of reasons to be, after all. It was one thing for him to know who one of them was – maybe two of them. However, they came from such wildly different backgrounds it was impossible for him to be able to recognize all of them from his personal life. Even Caster wouldn't have been able to use her magic to figure out their identities as easily as he did, and he refused to reveal who he was himself. Normally, that wouldn't have been a problem except he was also the one that seemed the least interested in actually helping their master.

Whatever his motives were, it troubled Saber.

Still, there was another issue she had to worry about: Namely her Master's safety.

"Shirou," she said, focusing on the issue they should have addressed long ago. "Ilya found you today and would have killed you if we hadn't shown up. Even you can't deny that you can't go without an escort."

Shirou rubbed the back of his head, trying to come up with some counterargument that he hadn't used before. "You know you guys can't come to school. That means you too, Rider," he said, glancing over to the masked servant. "You guys stand out way too much."

"Then _skip_ school," Saber said, pounding her hand on the table. "What's more important to you – your life or your education?"

"This is my life," Shirou argued, crossing his arms. "If I skip school, it's going to cause trouble for everyone around me."

"If Ilya finds you again, you'll be _dead_ and that will cause a lot more trouble for you, Shirou."

"She has a point," Rin said, stroking her chin. Though it was hard for her to believe Shirou really did summon six servants, he was definitely still in danger. In fact, if what she heard from Shirou directly was correct, he had been in danger even before he had summoned his servants. "Going to school alone is dangerous, Shirou."

"What are you talking about, Rin," Luvia said with a huff. "Shirou isn't going to be alone with school – he'll have the two of us there as well."

"That's all well and good," Rin said, not surprised at all that Luvia volunteered the two of them to protect him. "But we don't stand a chance against a servant. We laid a trap, and it didn't even leave a scratch on him or his master."

"You've got a point," Luvia admitted sadly, seeing her chance at monopolizing Shirou during school hours begin to disappear. Nonetheless, she wasn't about to give it up just yet. "But – he could always summon his servants if Ilya appears. He still has fifteen command seals, right?"

"He _only_ has fifteen command seals left," Assassin said, closing his eyes. "And… that's only if he has an opportunity to use them. If he was ambushed, we might not be able to retrieve him in time. Saber is right; it's safer if he doesn't go to school."

"There's bound to be a compromise, somewhere, right?" Shirou asked, "Some way for me to still go to school, without endangering myself."

"I just don't see how it's possible, Shirou," Saber said, shaking her head. "We don't know when Ilya will strike – but at least here we can prepare for an attack."

"…actually," Caster said, timidly raising her hand. "I think there might be a way. That is, if you don't mind."

Everybody in the room turned to Caster, and listened to what plan it was she had.

"I have a feeling that there's so many ways for this plan to go wrong," Shirou said tiredly, already going through several different scenarios with things blowing up in the background for some reason.

"I think it's pretty interesting," Rider said cheerfully.

"It's probably safer for you to stay anyway," Saber said, frowning. "But you don't really have many other options if you want to keep going to school, Shirou. This is an acceptable compromise in my book."

"Oh fine," Shirou said, sighing. Even he could tell that this was the best he was going to get out of them. "Just… try not to do anything too reckless, okay?"

"We'll do our best, Shirou," Assassin said, flashing a reassuring smile to his master.

"That's… exactly what I'm afraid of."

"What's the worst that could happen?" Archer asked. If Shirou didn't know any better, the bastard was intentionally tempting fate.

"Well then, Luvia and I will be off then," Rin said, standing up. At the same time, she grabbed the blond girl's arm, pulling her up as well.

"Eh?" Luvia asked, as she was forced to stand too. "Why should we leave?"

"Well," Rin said, thinking back to Taiga and Sakura – Shirou's most common guests. "Other people will be coming soon. Besides, we have our own preparations to make, right Luvia?"

"What preparations?" Luvia asked, blinking.

"You'll understand," Rin said. "Caster's plan seems sound, but we should be prepared on our end too, right?"

Caster nodded. "That would be very helpful," she said. "Thank you for taking care of our master."

"Oh, ah," Luvia said, unsure how to deal with the gratitude before eventually accepting it with a smile. It seemed that unlike Rider, Caster didn't appear like she would be in direct competition with her. "Well – that's no trouble at all, really."

"Yes, yes," Rin said, before Luvia could spout something embarrassing like how she would love to take care of Shirou forever or something equally stupid. "Now, let's go."

"Fine, fine. I can walk on my own, you know!"

With that, the two girls left.

Shirou looked around at his other servants, feeling like he had forgotten something.

"Ah – it's almost time for dinner! I better get things ready," he said, standing up. Sure, Archer may have stolen the chance to make breakfast from him when he was distracted this morning, but this time…

"Don't worry about cooking anything; I already took care of it."

…things would go exactly the same way.

Shirou turned his head slowly, eventually coming face to face with Archer who was reclining back in his chair – smugly smirking at his master. It was only then that Shirou noticed that the man had been wearing his apron, but…

"Hold on," Shirou said, pointing at Archer. "How is that even possible? Caster and Assassin only brought back the groceries when I arrived too!"

"Ah," Archer said. "That's for _tomorrow's_ meals."

"Damn it, Archer."

XXX

Berserker remained by his master's side. Even though the enemy servants had long since disappeared, a new, more dangerous enemy had shown up in their place. He couldn't move. He would not move. He needed to protect his master at all costs.

"Berserker," the dangerous foe said with her hands on her hips as she glared at him. "Move."

She was not his master, but his body was compelled to obey her voice. It was a frightening power she held, but…he had to resist for Ilya's sake. The moment he displayed an opening, her master would be defeated. He had to protect her at all costs.

He did not move… yet, at the same time, he dared not attack her.

"Berserker," she repeated, this time in a stronger tone that caused even Berserker's madness to shrink back a little from fright. "Step aside."

"Don't listen to her, Berserker!" Ilya pleaded. "She's an enemy, an enemy!"

"Lady Ilyasviel," the voice said, in that angry mother sort of tone that would cause anybody to quiver in fear. "Do you know what time it is?"

"…no?"

"Do you know how long you were out?"

"It doesn't feel like it's been that long," Ilya said softly, still hiding behind Berserker.

"Eight hours. Without permission, I might add," Sella said, tapping her foot impatiently.

"But I was trying to kill an enemy master, you see!"

"Oh?" Sella said, narrowing her eyes at her. "So tell me, have you won Heaven's Feel yet?"

"Not yet…"

"Then tell me, what were you doing all this time?"

"I-investigating."

Sella rolled her eyes. "Really, young lady… when did you start becoming so delinquent? First that lie about Kiritsugu's son summoning six servants, and now you're out playing around worrying Leysritt and me."

"But it's true!" Ilya protested. "Onii-chan really did-"

"Enough of your excuses," Sella said, with a glare so sharp that it could cut through Berserker's God Hand. "Tonight I'll be sure to properly reeducate you. Berserker, pick Lady Ilyasviel up. We're going home."

Berserker hesitated for a moment, torn between his loyalty to Ilya and his fear of Sella. However, when Sella shot him another mean look that seemed to take away a couple of his lives, he knew that there were some enemies you simply did not oppose.

"W-what? Berserker, what are you doing?" Ilya asked, as she flailed helplessly in the air when Berserker picked her up by the back of her jacket. "I'm your master, not her! You're supposed to listen to me!"

He could only hope that, within due time, his master could forgive him for this betrayal.


	7. It's your fault for being so moe

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" By Mereo Flere

XXX

Emiya Shirou should have known something was wrong when he awoke to find that only Caster remained in the house. The others, she explained, had gone ahead of Shirou to the school, to prepare themselves for the role they would have to play. Most, it seemed, were going to be taught how to play the part by Luvia and Rin, though it seemed that Archer insisted that he would have no trouble at all fitting in. Shirou didn't doubt him either; that guy, despite the way he could annoy people around him, seemed unnaturally capable…

To the point that that bastard had still beat him to the punch cooking breakfast. Archer had even prepared boxed lunches for everyone, and had calculated how many groceries Assassin and Caster bought yesterday to make sure there was absolutely nothing left in the fridge when Archer was finished. Speaking of yesterday's groceries, he wondered where Archer had found the cash to pay for that; at the very least it hadn't been taken out of his account or his wallet.

"I better not think about it," he muttered to himself. "It would probably just give me a headache anyway."

Needless to say, breakfast would be a small gathering today. Only the usual group plus Caster, it seemed. Perhaps that was a good thing; Archer, that bastard, had "accidentally" stumbled upon Kiritsugu's secret stash that even Shirou hadn't known about, and "forgot" to put it away when Taiga came. It was then that she got the brilliant idea to drink to the old man's memory, in an attempt to get Shirou's new associates wasted and share some stories.

Unfortunately, the only people who she managed to get drunk were Lancer, who seemed all too eager to drinking some sort of problem away, and Rider, who was eager to try the present era's liquor. Assassin and Saber abstained, while Caster only had enough to get tipsy and Archer… well, he just sat back and watched the mayhem unfold.

Rider, it seemed, was really grabby when she was inebriated. As for Lancer, he was mostly harmless – that is until Rider teased him about his masculinity; not the first time it had happened either it seemed, judging by how the conversation had gone. It was then that Lancer, rising to her challenge, grabbed the closest woman next to him and pulled her into a deep kiss.

Saber, without the pressure of Rider's curse on her, was able to easily break free of Lancer's hold this time – though not before he was able to cop a feel. When he realized exactly who it was he kissed when Saber pushed him away, he could only look at her with confusion. Before he could ask why it was she had a pair (even if they were on the small side) after all, however, Saber knocked him out with a solid uppercut to the chin before stomping off furiously to bed.

It would probably be awkward for those two for the next couple of days, Shirou guessed, and they probably left early to avoid each other. Still, at least it would mean he wouldn't have to listen to Saber argue that it would still be safer not to go to school, or get teased by Lancer about his so called harem. Of course, that didn't explain where Assassin and Archer went, but…

He sure those two would probably be just fine.

XXX

Archer hadn't known what to think when he had been summoned by his past self… let alone when he was summoned alongside five other servants at the same time. The original plan had been to kill his past self and create a paradox that would remove him from the throne of heroes, but…

At some point, he found it was more satisfying messing with everybody. He could kill Shirou at any time, but he doubted he would ever find a chance to play around like this again. In this world, he had even found a chance to relive his high school days – something that many people would no doubt wish for themselves. Though he tried not to show it on the outside, he was a little excited for this opportunity; he had many regrets about the path he had chosen, and not having fun while he was young was one of them.

There were, of course, a few problems. For one thing, Ilya was in danger; the other servants would always focus on her in a fight since there would be no way to defeat Berserker directly, but Archer could never bring himself to attack her directly. Then there was the fact that certain things in this universe were different… Archer had never expected to see Luvia in Fuyuki, for instance. Finally, Gilgamesh was still probably out there. He hadn't shown up yet, but Archer was sure that if Gilgamesh existed in this world he eventually would appear before them; it was only a matter of time.

For now, though, he would enjoy school life again… that is, if the potion of youth Caster had given him worked as it should.

Sneaking into the student council room, he closed the door behind him – satisfied that there was nobody here who would see him. Assassin and Saber may have left earlier than he had, but he doubted either of them would barge in here.

He opened the thermos Caster had given him, staring at the bubbling black contents as he thought back to how it had given Rider the appearance of a younger, smaller girl. There was no doubt that it would work, but he simply couldn't risk the chance that he would look exactly like Shirou if he drank this; not when other people were around.

Ideally, he would keep the body enhancement he received when he made a contract with the world, along with his hair and complexion, but he would be satisfied as long as he just looked different enough from Shirou that nobody would recognize the similarities.

"Well, this is it," Archer said, raising the thermos to his lips. With a deep breath, he closed his eyes and drank the potion. Almost immediately, he felt his body start to shrink. The clothes he wore slowly started to get looser and looser, just as he expected them to.

…then, something strange happened. He couldn't explain it, but his body began to feel different from any other time in his life. The weight was… off in certain places. It wasn't much, but he could already tell that something had gone wrong, even before the effects had finished.

"Maybe it's just my imagination," he muttered to himself. "Something like that couldn't really happen, right?"

That's right. Something like that could only happen in a manga or a visual novel game. Even then, it would only happen to the protagonist, which he was pretty sure he wouldn't qualify for anymore. Caster wouldn't make that sort of mistake either; it shouldn't even be possible!

"That's right," he reassured himself, smiling to himself. "I'm just getting worried over nothing."

With a nod, he tried to cross his arms over his chest… only to find that something had gotten in the way. The sense of dread he had been trying to ignore immediately came back in full force and, after a minute of denial, he slowly opened his eyes and looked down.

XXX

"You know, Caster," Shirou said, as he went about setting the dishes for the table. "I'm impressed. I didn't know you could make a potion of youth. You're pretty amazing."

Caster smiled at the compliment, before deciding to correct him. "It's not actually a potion of youth," she admitted shyly. "To be honest, I created a set of transformation potions: Three to give the drinker the body of a young man, and another three to give the drinker the body of a younger woman."

"That's still pretty impressive," Shirou said, whistling appreciatively. He couldn't imagine anybody of the current era who could do that. Of course, his understanding of magic was pretty limited, but she managed something like that in a single night with little preparation.

"Thank you," Caster said. "If only Saber thought the same way."

Shirou blinked. "Did she have a problem with it?"

"…just a small one," Caster said with a weak laugh, holding up her hand to her face while she concealed a blush. "I accidentally gave her the wrong one."

"…"

"Don't worry!" Caster said, holding up her hands. "She actually didn't change all that much. Please don't tell her I said that," she added after a short pause.

Shirou sighed. Already something had gone wrong. It wasn't exactly a good way to start the day. "Wait a second," Shirou said, blinking as he realized something. "Didn't you say you only made three of each potion?"

"Yes," Caster said.

"And, you said Assassin and Lancer already took theirs, right?"

"Yes."

"And nothing went wrong, right?"

Caster shook her head. "They both turned into teenage men as planned," Caster said as she tilted her head. "Is there a problem I'm not aware of?"

Shirou thought about it for a moment… before smiling. "No. There's no problem at all. You've done a wonderful job, Caster."

"Thank you Shirou."

XXX

Assassin had been touring the school campus when he heard a young girl's scream. It wasn't a terrified "my life is in danger, somebody save me" sort of scream, but more of a scared "what the hell did I do to deserve this" kind instead. Still, he wasn't the type to ignore what could be a plea for help so he walked down the hall to its source. Eventually, he reached the room where the student council apparently met, and heard someone's panicked mutterings from within.

For a moment, he entertained the thought of just opening the door and asking what was wrong. He knew better than that, however; Lancer might make that sort of mistake, and Rider would probably do it on purpose, but he understood that in this era you were supposed to knock first. Not doing so would lead to embarrassing situations like walking in on a girl while she was in the middle of getting dressed. Of course, there were also specific places people were supposed to change in this school called "locker rooms" – which this wasn't, so the chances of that particular event were slim.

Still, it was better to be safe – and courteous – than sorry.

He knocked on the door three times. "Are you having any trouble?" he asked. He wasn't sure if he could do anything to help, but it wouldn't hurt to try to ingratiate himself with the heads of the student body.

"Assassin?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

The samurai blinked. How odd, for someone to know his name… or servant class, as it were. "Is… is that you, Saber? Or maybe Rider?"

On the other side of the room, Assassin could hear the distinctive sound of someone slapping herself on her forehead. "Ahaha," the voice said, clearly feeling nervous about something. "Who are Rider and Saber? And, for that matter, who are you as well? I don't know any of you people!"

"I'm Assassin," the samurai said dryly. "You know, the person you just addressed by name a moment ago."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Now go away, there is nothing suspicious going on here."

"You know, that's exactly the last thing you want to say to get people to go away."

"…j-just go away!"

On one hand, Assassin could leave. As far as he could tell, it wasn't Ilyasviel on the other side of the door. On the other hand, something was clearly going on – and, if he focused his senses, he could tell there was a servant on the other side, probably even the person that was speaking to him.

But… that couldn't be right. There were only supposed to be seven servants, and none of them sounded like the girl here. Admittedly, he had never heard Berserker speak, but somehow he couldn't imagine that hulking figure to have a voice of a cute high school girl.

Really, it was his duty to investigate.

"Now I _definitely_ have to see what's going on," Assassin declared, reaching for the knob.

"No, wait!" the voice protested, scrambling to blockade the door. But it was already too late; the door swung open. All the girl would manage to do was tackle Assassin as soon as he stepped inside, sending the both of them tumbling into the hallway.

It took a moment for Assassin to regain his bearings. When he did, however, he noticed several things.

The first was that he had somehow landed on top of someone – a girl with long white hair and a tan complexion. The second was that the clothes she wore were far too loose for her; indeed, they seemed to be designed for a larger man. The third was that she wore no bra like many girls did in this era – a fact that had been confirmed when he realized his hand was firmly on her chest.

Time froze. The girl was still recovering herself, and probably didn't even notice the situation she was in. He knew that he needed to get off of her, to apologize before this became a real nightmare, but like a deer caught in headlights he couldn't move.

Suddenly, the girl opened her eyes – trying to get up but failing with Assassin on top of her. A moment of confusion passed before her eyes met his. Her face slowly turned red, and Assassin could feel her body start to shake in anger; it was then he wondered how things could get any worse.

"Ah," a familiar voice said beside them.

Both Assassin and the girl froze, slowly turning their heads towards their audience: Rider.

For an instant, Assassin hoped desperately that she couldn't see them – that that blindfold would hide the scene from her. Maybe she didn't understand what was going on…

That hope was dashed when Rider reached into the school bag she had been given by Luvia and pulled out a small rectangular device. Assassin felt his face start to pale as a small cylinder telescoped out of its main body, and it was then that Assassin realized that that device was called a "Camera."

**-Click-**

As soon as he saw the flash of light Assassin bolted up off the girl, flailing his hands in front of himself, trying to come up with an explanation. Unfortunately, an unconvincing, "This isn't what it looks like!" was all he could manage.

Rider smiled, paying his explanations no heed. Instead, she tilted her head towards the back of the camera. "Don't worry," she said, in a voice that didn't reassure Assassin at all. "The picture came out well."

It was then that Rider turned the device around – showing a small screen that captured the event in high depth digital quality.

"This," Assassin said, a sour expression on his face. "Is what they call 'blackmail' isn't it?"

"Technically, for it to be blackmail, I have to ask something from you first. I haven't done that yet."

The mysterious girl finally stood up – and Assassin feared that she might attack him for accidentally groping her. Instead, however, she seemed focused on Rider… thankfully.

"Y… you have to delete that!" the girl said, pointing a finger at the camera.

Rider tilted her head. "Why would I do that when I went through the bother of taking it in the first place?"

"Please! You can't let anybody see that!"

"No," Rider refused. "Besides," she added, pointing to the other girl's state of dress. "Shouldn't you be more worried about other things?"

As it turned out, the girl's clothes were looser on her than Assassin originally expected. It seemed that without a hand to hold them up her pants had fallen to the floor. The girl's face grew red with embarrassment, but before she could move to pull them up…

**-Click-**

…Rider snapped yet another picture.

"D-delete that one as well!"

"I absolutely won't."

XXX

In the end, the girl had dragged both Rider and Assassin into the student council room when they heard voices coming around the corner. Slamming the door shut and barricading the door with a table, it was hard to tell if she simply wanted to prevent other people from walking in on her or prevent Rider and Assassin from leaving.

It was then that Assassin noticed something odd about the girl – or, rather, the way she dressed. Grabbing her by the wrist, he pulled her around – making sure to get a good view of the front of her outfit.

The girl, however, didn't really take too kindly to that. "What do you think you're doing?" she said, angrily. Pulling her arm free, she crossed her arms over her chest – that is until she remembered that she needed one hand to keep her pants up.

**-Click-**

"Stop doing that Rider!" the girl said, stomping her foot.

"Then you should stop acting so moe," Rider retorted.

Assassin ignored both of them, instead keeping his eyes focused on the girl. Then it hit finally hit him, the odd feeling the girl had been giving him since he had first gotten a look at her.

"You… you're Archer, aren't you?"

The girl froze, eyes widening in shock. "No… you're wrong," the girl said dramatically. "I'm actually…"

"Archerko?" Rider helpfully provided.

"Yes, Archerko!" the girl said with a nod. "No, wait, that's not what I mean! That's not who I am at all!" she quickly corrected herself, flailing her arms around in a panic.

**-Click-**

"Will you stop that already?"

"Absolutely not, Archerko."

"I'm not-"

Assassin sighed, raising up a hand to cut Archer off. "Let's face it," the samurai said. "You're not fooling anyone. Even the person wearing a mask over their eyes can see you're Archer."

Archer grit her teeth, before giving up. Maybe if it were Lancer or Saber he could probably trick them, but… "Okay," she said, hanging her head in defeat. "I am Archer. Something went wrong when I drank the potion, it seemed."

"I don't see any problems," Rider said, smiling. "You're perfectly cute the way you are."

"It's definitely causing problems for me!" Archer said, squeezing her newfound breasts together for emphasis. "Big problems! Huge problems! The biggest problems in the world!"

"Actually," Rider said, poking Archer in the chest – who immediately blushed and backed away. "They're not much bigger than Saber's."

"That's not the point here!"

"Calm down," Assassin said, looking away from the two of them, a blush on his face for some reason. "I'm sure there's a simple way to take care of this. These potions are supposed to wear off eventually, remember?"

"I don't want to wait for 'eventually!'" Archer said.

"Then why not just go back to Caster and get it fixed by her directly?"

Archer blinked. She hadn't thought of that, really. She was panicking too easily over this; it wasn't like her. "You're right," she said, relaxing a little. "There's still time, I can head back and…"

"Like that?" Rider asked.

Archer looked down at herself. Rider had a point; Archer couldn't just go outside like this. Still, all she had to do was trace some new clothes for her new body. "It's no problem," Archer said, "I'll figure something out."

"Absolutely not!" Rider said, shaking her head. "You should think carefully about your modesty, Archerko!"

Archer rolled her eyes, not bothering to correct Rider on her name. "You're the last person here who should talk about modesty, Rider."

"That is that and this is this," Rider said, crossing her arms. "Your character type should be more moe!"

"I don't want to be moe!"

"Your reluctance only makes you more moe!"

Archer wanted to cry a little, but refused simply because she knew that Rider would gush on about how it was cute or something. "This is karma, isn't it?"

"That depends," Assassin said, stroking his chin. "Have you done anything to deserve this?"

Archer stared at Assassin, before hanging her head. "…definitely karma."

XXX

Despite her better judgment, Archer decided to let Rider find some new clothes to wear. It wouldn't hurt keeping his ability to trace objects hidden from them a little longer after all. How bad could it possibly be to let Rider dress her, anyway?

"Here you go," Rider said, handing Archer a female uniform. "Sorry for the wait, Archerko."

Archer examined the uniform, making sure there was nothing strange about it. Despite her suspicion, it was entirely normal – no strange enchantments or designs worked into it at all. Still, something about it bothered her…

"Rider, where did you get this?" Archer asked curiously, looking up at her.

"It's Saber's uniform."

Archer raised a brow before looking back at the clothes she had been given. While it obviously could fit Archer herself, it did seem to be manufactured with someone slightly smaller in mind. "Won't she need this?" Archer asked. The last thing she needed was Saber chasing her down for stealing her uniform… though, it might have been worth it to see Saber forced to run after someone while Saber was wearing only her underwear.

Then again, considering how hard Saber had hit Lancer last night, Archer decided to err on the side of caution and stay on Saber's good side.

"Don't worry," Rider said with a wave of her hand. "She doesn't need it anymore."

"And just why is that?" Assassin asked. "Don't tell me something happened to her after I left."

Rider cupped her chin with a hand, before nodding. "In a way it did. It's nothing serious, though; you probably wouldn't even notice the change."

"The change?" Archer asked, even though she already had a sneaking suspicion on what had happened.

"Saber turned into a guy," Rider explained, as if that was an everyday occurrence. Then again, Archer _had_ changed into a girl too.

Still, Archer blinked in surprise. "Wait – her too?"

"_Him_ too," Assassin corrected. "Though I suppose that explains what happened to the both of you."

"How so?"

"You didn't pay attention to Caster's explanation of the potions, did you?"

"No," Archer sheepishly admitted, rubbing the back of her head. "It's supposed to make us younger, right?"

Assassin smiled weakly. "Not quite, Archer," he said, not sure how he was supposed to explain it. "You see, Caster made two types of potions. One was meant to turn people into teenage boys, and the other into teenage girls."

"…"

"I guess you and Saber must have had yours switched."

"…"

"Archer, are you going to say something?" Assassin asked, as he took a step back. "You're starting to scare me."

"…"

"…Archer?"

Rider stepped closer to the silver haired girl, poking her in the arm. However, when Archer gave no response, she decided to try a more vigorous approach to get Archer's attention.

**-Grope-**

"W-what do you think you're doing?" Archer said as she jumped away from Rider, arms crossed protectively over her chest.

"Waking you up," Rider explained.

"Then just shake me! Wave a hand in front of my face! Anything but that!"

Rider pursed her lips. "But it's not as fun…"

Archer's eye twitched. "I don't care if it's not fun!"

"Well, it felt nice didn't it?"

Archer blushed, but she immediately turned her head from Rider. "It felt weird," Archer said, technically being truthful.

"But in a good way, right?"

"Weird is weird!" Archer shouted, pumping her fists dramatically into the air. "So just don't do it!"

Assassin chuckled a little, but as entertaining as their conversation was, he couldn't help but feel obligated to point something out to Archer. "Not that I condone Rider's behavior," he said, though he certainly enjoyed it. "But shouldn't you be worried about something else, Archer?"

Archer blinked and her body tensed up as she realized what Assassin meant. Glancing at the clock in the room, she realized she was running out of time. School wouldn't officially start for at least another hour, but… "You're right – if I don't get there before Caster leaves then I'll be stuck like this until class is over!"

Panicking, Archer started to pull her shirt over her head, stopping when she remembered something important. "Ah… can you turn around?"

"Ah, sorry," Assassin apologized, turning around immediately. Rider, on the other hand, continued facing Archer.

"I meant you too, Rider," Archer said blandly.

"But I'm wearing a blindfold."

"I don't care," Archer said, knowing full well that she had a way of seeing through it.

"But we're both girls."

"I'm actually a guy!"

"Not right now, Archer**ko**."

Archer rubbed her temples. She didn't have time for this. "Look, can you just please do this for me?"

Rider didn't say anything for a moment before finally giving Archer a nod. "Fine," she said, disappointed. With that, she turned around.

With a tired sigh, Archer began to undress and all seemed fine; neither of the other servants turned around. After a moment of cautious hesitation, she started to relax and put on her sailor uniform. It seemed that Rider would finally stop teasing her.

**-Click-**

Or not.

"Damn it Rider!"

"But you looked so cute. Besides, there's nothing in the shot that was explicit, so it's still a safe for work photo."

"As if I cared about that at all!"

Rider wouldn't stop. She would never stop as long as she was able to continue. Archer understood that now. Therefore, there was one option left to her: Retrieve the camera from Rider.

"Is there something wrong?" Rider asked, leaning forward a little.

"No, not really," Archer said cheerfully. "By the way, may I see that camera?"

"No," Rider said, sticking out her tongue. "You'll just delete the pictures."

"You have a point," Archer admitted, nodding her head sagely. Of course, it should have been obvious from the start that asking for it wouldn't work. "In that case," she said – before her arm shot out in an attempt to grab the camera.

It didn't work. Rider, sensing Archer's intent to attack from the beginning, easily raised the camera up above her head and outside the smaller girl's reach. Even when Archer tried to jump to make up for the difference in height, Rider simply stepped back – preventing Archer from grabbing it always at the last moment.

**-Click-**

"Damn it Rider!"

"It's your fault for being so moe."

Assassin coughed. "Archer," he said, grabbing her by her sleeve.

"What is it?" Archer asked, annoyed that her attempts at getting the camera were being halted.

"Can't you see she's just distracting you? If you keep this up, it'll soon be too late for you to change back before school starts."

"School isn't for another hour."

"But you need Caster to make you another potion to fix this problem, and she can't do that if she's already left the house, remember?"

Archer froze. She couldn't believe she had forgotten about that after realizing it the first time.

"Damn it, Rider!" she said, pointing an accusatory finger at Rider. "You… you planned this all along, didn't you?"

"…no?" Rider said innocently. It was technically true, too. Sure, she may have slipped Saber the wrong potion on purpose, but everything since then had been a wonderful coincidence.

For her at least. Maybe not so much for Archer.

XXX

After getting dressed, Archer practically ran out of the student council room, deciding that she had wasted enough time with all of Rider's antics. Sure, it was entertaining when she was messing with Lancer or even her past self, but she couldn't stand being the center of her attention.

At least now she was in the clear. All she had to do was get to Caster before she left the household with Shirou and she could get this fixed. Barring anything unforeseen happening to her along the way, this problem would soon go away.

Of course, Archer should have realized the universe wouldn't settle for such a clean solution.

Too distracted to pay attention to where she was going, Archer ran around one corner and crashed into someone for the second time that day. Tumbling head over heels with that person, she eventually landed on top of whoever it was – somehow managing to end up sitting on the other person's face. Her eyes went wide with fear, knowing that most people couldn't handle a collision the way they did in anime and manga; unlike Assassin and herself, ordinary humans tended to suffer injuries in these sort of accidents. Archer immediately bolted up off of the person, before kneeling back down to check on how they were.

"Are you alright?" Archer asked quickly, not really expecting an answer. Already, a plan was forming in her head on where to take the person if they were unconscious; a hospital would be the obvious solution, but since she was running low on time as it was she might just have to carry them to the household, leaving it up to Caster's healing magic to deal with. However, it turned out that it wouldn't be necessary.

"Y-yes," the person – a short blond boy in a middle school uniform – said a little shakily, obviously still rattled by the impact. Then he stood up, and smiled at Archer as if he wasn't hurt at all. "What about you? Are you okay, Onee-san?"

Archer sighed in relief. "Yes," she answered, smiling back at the boy. "Sorry about bumping into you. Are you sure you're not hurt?" she asked, just to be safe.

"No, it's my fault for not looking," the boy said with a bow. "And don't worry," the boy added, as he flexed an arm for her. "I'm stronger than I look. Something like this wouldn't even leave a scratch on me."

Archer blinked and looked closely – the boy was telling the truth. He had no scraped skin or any other signs that he had taken a fall, let alone took a tumble with someone eventually landing on their face. It was then, as Archer was examining him, that she realized the boy looked strangely familiar.

But no… it couldn't be. It couldn't be him. Archer just had to be imagining things. Sure, she expected him to still be in this world, to eventually appear before her… but not like this, and certainly not in this form. For one thing, making yourself younger was something only Caster should be capable of, right?

This… this couldn't be him. It absolutely couldn't.

"Is there something wrong, Onee-san?" the boy asked, leaning closer to her. "You're starting to get pale."

"It's… it's nothing," Archer quickly said, her voice wavering a little. To be honest, she had to be crazy, to even consider the possibility that such a nice boy could ever be that man. Still… if it would help settle her heart, it wouldn't hurt to clear things up. What did she have to lose by asking?

"By the way," she asked somewhat hesitantly, still afraid of hearing a certain answer – no matter how impossible it seemed. "May I ask what your name is?"

The boy blinked, before smiling at her. "Ah," the boy said, giving the question a moment of thought. "A lot of people call me Kogil, but my actual name is Gilgamesh. It's a pleasure to meet you, Onee-san."

**-Thud-**

"Onee-san? Onee-san!"


	8. I'll be sure to take care of you!

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant?" by Mereo Flere

XXX

"Onee-san? Onee-san!"

Kogil was in trouble. The pretty onee-san that he had bumped into had fainted when he greeted her. She seemed fine just a moment ago, though – but then again she was a girl and girls were really fragile. Maybe the crash had affected her more than she had initially let on.

"What am I supposed to do?" Kogil said, panicking. He frantically looked around the street for someone who could help him, but found nobody except for a couple of cats walking out of an alley. Unless those cats could somehow magically turn into people they probably wouldn't be able to help.

Kogil couldn't just leave the onee-san here; that just wouldn't be right. To make things worse, he would be late for class soon… and the punishments for being tardy were pretty harsh. If he was lucky, he would manage to get away with only being dangled from the ceiling by that accursed red cloth of hers for the first period. Nonetheless, he couldn't just let his fear of his homeroom teacher force him to abandon someone alone, unconscious on the sidewalk. He was a man, wasn't he?

"…it can't be helped," he said as he kneeled over the older girl. There was really only one route left for him in this situation. "Don't worry, Onee-san! I'll be sure to take care of you!"

XXX

Caster's plan wasn't difficult to understand. All of Shirou's servants would pose as students at his school to make sure that he wasn't attacked by Ilyasviel during the day. If they sensed her approaching one of them could hold Berserker off while Shirou escaped. Of course, even if Caster's potions could make the servants appear the appropriate age for school, actually being able to attend the next day wouldn't have been possible without the help of Luvia and Rin. Without them, the plan would have required Caster to manipulate the memory of everybody on campus so that students would believe the servants had always been there to begin with; instead, all six of them would be "transferring" in today.

Luvia's butler, August, had made similar preparations for his master when she had transferred a few weeks back, so it was simple for him to process all of the necessary paperwork to bring them into the school; a few bribes were made here and there as well, to make sure people didn't ask too many questions. Still, Caster couldn't help but wonder if she had forgotten about something…

"Shirou," she said as it finally dawned on her, just as the two of them were leaving the Emiya residence. "I think Archer might have accidentally taken the potion to change into a girl."

"A-ah," Shirou said, scratching his cheek. "Is that so?" he asked, before continuing on his way to school. For some reason, he didn't seem that worried about it.

"Shirou," she said, matching her pace to stay beside her master. "Aren't you worried about this?"

Shirou blinked, before shrugging. "Not really. After all, it wasn't like you panicked over Saber turning into a guy."

"You have a point," Caster admitted, bowing her head. "But that was just a little bit… different."

"It's not like that there was a big change for her to begin with?" Shirou guessed, recalling their previous conversation.

"…please don't mention it to her."

"Don't worry," Shirou assured his servant, knowing that such an action would lead to a catastrophe. "I won't."

"Still, Shirou," she said, stroking her chin. "Saber at least transformed before 'he' headed for school. Archer took the potion with him, and probably won't expect what will happen when he takes a spoonful of it."

"Caster," Shirou said, grinning at her. "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure Archer will be able to handle it herself… I mean, himself. She's… he's a pretty talented guy, right?"

Caster looked at him, still feeling a sense of doubt in her heart, but… "If you say so, Shirou."

"Don't worry," Shirou assured her. "I'm sure Archer's just fine."

XXX

Archer was just fine.

So, sure, Archer may have been turned into a girl. There were worst things that could have happened to her.

For instance, she could have woken up in a bed she couldn't remember falling asleep in, or a room she didn't recognize. She also could have found out that her clothes were missing, replaced by bandages haphazardly wrapped around seemingly random parts of her body. Finally, she could have realized that there was someone in the bed next to her, sleeping soundly with the comforter pulled over them.

Naturally, of course, that was exactly what had happened.

"Okay, Archer, so you actually aren't fine at all," she muttered to herself, nursing her head. "This isn't the first time you've been in a situation you couldn't remember getting into. You need to think!"

What had she been doing? Why was she here? And who the hell was this person next to her?

Beside Archer, the person moved a little, stretching their legs until their bare feet poked out from underneath the comforter. Archer's heart skipped a beat, and for a moment she considered simply throwing the layer hiding her companion off completely... before deciding against it. Such a sudden action would certainly wake whoever it was, and for some reason a part of Archer dreaded finding out their identity.

…perhaps, subconsciously, she already could guess who it was. Though her memory after leaving the school ground was a bit vague, she remembered that she had run into someone she didn't want to. Considering the time and location, there were only a few people she wouldn't have wanted to meet…

…and pretty much all of them were men.

Her eyes went wide as she looked around the room. It was a slight relief when she realized this wasn't the Matou residence, but that didn't help narrow it down. If she thought about it calmly, the worst case scenario would be that she had done… with… and…

"…!"

Silently screaming, she pulled on her hair in a panic – before realizing that her companion was once again shifting around in the bed.

Finally, Archer calmed down. There had to be a reasonable answer to all this, right? If she thought about it carefully, it was more likely that someone had tried to treat her for injuries; that's what the bandages were for, right?

…but that still didn't explain why someone was sleeping next to her.

Once more, Archer glanced to the person next to her. There had to be some reason, some sort of explanation for them being there, right?

Archer couldn't put it off any longer. She had to know the truth, even if it meant scarring herself for life. The idea of not knowing would haunt her forever if she didn't. No matter how terrifying the truth may be, she had to face it… and so, after taking a deep breath, Archer resolved herself to find out who it was that had been sleeping next to her

Carefully, she grabbed the edge of the comforter – peeling it away slowly. Though she instinctively closed her eyes, she continued to pull the layer off – telling herself to remember to open her eyes when the time came. Then, when she was sure that whoever it was now uncovered, she could see who it was all at once. Eventually, though, Archer had dumped the comforter off of the bed entirely, yet still refused to look.

Since when had she become such a coward? She had faced off against Dead Apostles, survived atmospheric reentry, and scheduled dates with both of the Aozoki sisters – on the same day! Compared to those experiences, this… this should be nothing!

Archer opened her eyes… and saw nothing because her hand was still in the way, shaking but also absolutely blocking her view.

"Really?" she asked herself. "This is getting a little ridiculous."

Taking another deep breath, she made a second attempt. This time, she successfully saw who the mysterious stranger next to her had been all along.

"Oh good," Archer said, wiping away some sweat from her brow. "It's only Bazett."

Yes. It was only Bazett… and absolutely nothing else, save for a pair of black lace panties and a white button up shirt.

"…wait, a second Bazett?"

XXX

Saber had learned something very important this morning: Do not trust Rider. The knight had initially believed that that woman would be his strongest ally in protecting Shirou… but that didn't stop Rider from playing tricks on Saber. Sure, Rider tried to pretend that it was an accident, but Saber knew now that giving him the wrong potion had been her plan from the start.

Saber shouldn't have believed Rider when the other servant had said that the potion would give Saber bigger breasts… even if it seemed reasonable enough at the time. Rider shouldn't have had any reason to lie to him, and it wasn't actually a potion to make you younger – instead it was meant to make you look a certain age. Then again, Saber shouldn't have fallen for the temptation in the first place; breasts would only get in the way in a battle after all, and he already looked like the appropriate age for a high school student to begin with.

Nonetheless, Saber had let himself be tricked; the fact Saber was now a "he" was proof enough of that. It was pointless for him to deny it now.

However, when he thought about it, the male school uniform even provided better freedom of movement than the female uniform did. Still, something about it bothered him.

"Don't worry," Luvia said weakly as she glanced over at Saber. "You still look cute even as a guy, Saber."

Saber looked at the other occupant in the classroom, raising brow at what he believed was meant to be a compliment. "Thank you?" he said cautiously. "But if you don't mind me asking, what made you bring that up?"

Luvia blinked, fidgeting with her fingers. "Well, you looked a little distressed about your new… 'Addition' and I thought..." The sentence trailed off from there, since the girl wasn't sure how she to say she wanted to console Saber.

"Don't worry about it," Saber said with a smile. "A knight like me should not be concerned with such vanities to begin with, Luvia."

"It doesn't matter if you are a knight, Saber, you are still a girl. Were a girl? Well – your heart is definitely that of a woman's," Luvia said with a nod, settling on that conclusion. "So it's only natural you'd be worried about seeing someone you like in this... this state."

Saber rolled his eyes. "Is this about Lancer kissing me?" he asked, wondering if Rider had told her about those incidents already.

"You two kissed?" Luvia asked, blinking in surprise. That was entirely news to her.

"…yes," Saber said with a sigh. "But, don't get the wrong idea. It's not like I wanted to or anything."

"Saber," Luvia said blandly. "You sound a little like a tsundere."

"…tsundere?" Saber asked. Though he had been summoned with knowledge on how to speak Japanese, that particular term was beyond her understanding.

"It means a maiden who doesn't understand her own heart," Luvia said, knowing full well that wasn't the actual definition. Issei had called her that once shortly after she had first transferred to this school; it was that incident that prompted her to acquire some study materials on Japanese culture. Luvia didn't believe it could be accurately applied to _herself,_ of course – but Saber? Definitely.

"I… see," Saber said with a frown. "But you know, I absolutely don't see what that has to do with me and Lancer. I know exactly how I feel about him: he's a slut."

"A slut?"

"Yes. A slut."

Maybe Saber wasn't a tsundere after all. Then again… "Lancer wasn't really who I meant anyway," Luvia said, fidgeting with her fingers.

"…then who did you mean?" Saber asked, after a moment of hesitation. He wasn't even sure if she wanted to hear the answer or not.

"Shirou, of course," Luvia said bluntly. "Who else could it be?"

Saber stared at Luvia. "…and why would you think I would see Shirou in that light?" Saber asked, crossing his arms.

"Well, he summoned you, right?" Luvia said as she stroked her chin.

"Yes…"

"Well, he said he didn't know how he did it – but I'm going to guess that he didn't use a catalyst."

"So?"

"Well, in that case… wouldn't that mean that your personalities should be suited well for each other?" Luvia asked. She had brought this up with Rin before – but she wasn't sure how Shirou's servants felt about him. To be honest, she'd be glad if that didn't turn out to be the case.

Saber stopped for a moment, thinking about the girl's logic. He did understand how one could come to that conclusion, but… "Luvia."

"Y-yes?"

"You _do_ know that Shirou summoned six servants, right?"

Luvia nodded. "Of course. I met all of you yesterday. Unless, of course, there's some secret hidden seventh servant that none of you know about."

"I'm pretty sure there isn't," Saber assured her. "Even that would be a little excessive, don't you think?"

Luvia shrugged. "It's not like Shirou hasn't broken Heaven's Feel already. Summoning six servants is completely unheard of, you know."

"Perhaps," Saber said with a smile. "But you know, Ilyasviel summoned Berserker already…"

"Ah," Luvia said with a nod. "I suppose that's why he only summoned six of you."

"Maybe," Saber said with a shrug. It was a possibility, but he didn't care to dwell on the issue. "In any case… tell me, could you imagine Shirou with a guy?"

"Yes," Luvia said immediately. "In fact, there's this 'doujinshi' one of the other girls showed me featuring Shirou and our student council president."

"…"

"Do you want to see it?" Luvia asked, tilting her head. After all, male or not, knight or not, Saber was a girl. Of course, then again, it probably wasn't enough to explain it with words. "See, here, take a look," she said, pulling the third volume out of her bag.

Saber stared at the cover for a moment, before feeling his face turn red. It didn't help when Luvia held the book open for Saber, showing him a rather graphic page. Eventually Saber had to look away, and he quickly motioned for her to put it back in her bag. "Do you always… never mind," Saber said, shaking his head. "Can you imagine the _real_ Shirou with a guy?"

"Well, not really," Luvia said, sheepishly. "B-but don't worry, Saber. I'm sure Shirou would accept you anyway, even if you changed a little!" she added. Then again, Luvia didn't want that to happen, but for some reason she couldn't help but feel like trying to cheer the servant up. Maybe it was because it was harder to see Saber as competition, especially like this?

"I wasn't talking about myself," Saber said bluntly.

"Oh. Well, in any case, it's not like the potion would be permanent anyway."

"Let me make it put it in another way," Saber said, deciding to try a different tactic. "Could you see any of his male servants – the ones that were born that way – being attracted to Shirou? Aside from Assassin," he quickly added.

"Why would Assassin be attracted to Shirou?" Luvia asked, tilting her head.

"…he isn't," Saber said. At least, Saber was sure Assassin didn't swing that way. "Then again, the curve of a katana is one of its most defining features…" Luvia raised a brow, wondering what a sword had to do with Assassin's sexuality. When Saber noticed the look the girl was giving him he coughed. "You had to be there," he explained; not that anybody had understood Assassin's joke at the time.

"I see…"

Luvia didn't, of course. Then again, the explanation probably wasn't going to be worth the headache.

"Anyway, do you see Archer or Lancer being with a guy?" Saber asked, deciding to narrow it down to those two. "I mean the _real_ Archer and Lancer by the way, not some fantasy drawn up by some school girl."

"No," Luvia admitted.

"Then that doesn't mean they would fall in love with Shirou either, right?"

"I suppose that's true. Shirou is a guy."

"Then that means that they weren't summoned as potential soul mates, right? That means none of the female servants were summoned that way either."

Luvia furrowed her brow. Saber's argument made sense, and he seemed to be too honest to be secretly covering his tracks over his lust towards Shirou. Then again…

"What if Archer or Lancer turned into a girl?" she asked. "Then Shirou might fall for them… and their maiden hearts would be open to reciprocate those feelings?"

"Luvia…"

"Or wait… what if Shirou was the one that got turned into a girl? Maybe he would fall for them as well, and then they couldn't resist the undoubtedly beautiful and moe girl that he would turn into and fall for Shirouko's charms!"

"Luvia…"

"Or maybe they all turn into girls," she said with horror, hands planting themselves on her cheeks as she considered yet another ridiculous scenario. "And since they still like girls they'll like each other and then-"

"Luvia!" Saber yelled, holding up a hand.

Luvia stopped, her attention finally caught by Saber. "Yes?" she said after a moment.

"You're thinking too hard. Me changing into a boy was clearly an exception," Saber said, crossing his arms. "There's no way Shirou, or one of his servants, will ever be turned into a girl now or in the future, and you certainly don't need to worry about any of them suddenly having some sort of whacky lesbian adventure."

XXX

Archer didn't have some sort of whacky lesbian adventure last night… right? At least, she didn't remember having one. It would be terrible, though, if she did have one and didn't remember it. She was sure that particular event hadn't happened, though… and she definitely wasn't imagining what exactly such an adventure would entail.

Nope. She was definitely not doing that last part at all.

Still, that begged the question of what _did_ happen. Truthfully, she was surprised to see Bazett at all, though Archer had been curious about what had happened to her in this timeline. Since Bazett hadn't summoned a servant in this universe it was clear that Kotomine wouldn't have cut off her arm and leave her for dead... but, to be honest, he had expected (and perhaps hoped; he had seen firsthand just what her noble phantasm could do) that she would have just headed home after failing the summoning ritual.

It was clear now though that she had decided to stay in Fuyuki, at least for another day.

Still… why was Archer in her bed at all? "Come to think of it," Archer said, stroking her chin. "I don't think she's the one I met earlier either…"

The obvious solution was to simply ask Bazett what was going on. That was reasonable, wasn't it? When she had met Bazett in her own life, she had been a nice person – if a little awkward whenever she talked with him. Though the Bazett she had known had tried to always maintain a serious personality, she would occasionally make stumble sometimes… but Archer never knew her to be unnecessarily hostile, and since Bazett wasn't a master in this war, Archer couldn't imagine a reason for Bazett to see her as an enemy.

What could possibly go wrong by waking her up and seeing what was wrong?

Confident that this was the right decision, Archer nudged Bazett – poking the woman carefully. When Bazett didn't stir, Archer grabbed her by the shoulder and started shaking her. That didn't work either. Finally, Archer decided to resort to a trick that the Bazett she had known had forced her to vow not to do again to her. Sure, Archer felt a little guilty over breaking a promise like that… but then again, this was a _technically_ different person.

"Trace on," she said – with just the barest hint of a smile on her face.

XXX

Lancer had a lot of problems to deal with. He hadn't been able to get into an actual fight since being summoned, both Rider and Archer had made jabs at his masculinity, and he had accidentally (and not so accidentally) kissed Saber. The last kiss they had in particular had been on his mind since he woke up that morning.

When he looked back, the experiences hadn't been bad. In fact, he would admit (only to himself) that he had even enjoyed it – until the point that Saber had knocked him out for the kiss at least… but that was precisely why it had horrified him. Saber was, or had been (not that the distinction really mattered), a King. To _like_ kissing Saber shook him to his very core. It simply shouldn't happen, not for him anyway.

Sure, he hadn't paid attention to Saber's gender at the time, and didn't even realize it until after the fact – but the truth was he was having a hard time regretting it… on the basis that Saber was a guy, at least; there were other reasons he wished he hadn't done it after all, not the least of which was the fact that Saber was currently pissed at him. It cast a little doubt on himself, truthfully. Maybe he was, after all…

…no, Lancer couldn't think that way. It was Rider and Archer's fault for causing him to think this way – and Saber too, for being so damn pretty when a guy had no right to be like that. It was natural to be confused around a person like Saber, right?

"…I'm straight as a lance. I'm straight as a lance. I'm absolutely, positively straight as a lance," he chanted to himself, gripping his weapon tightly.

"That's nice and all," a voice said behind him, "But you really should put that thing away. You wouldn't want anybody normal to see it, right?"

Lancer nearly jumped into the air before slowly turning around. He sighed in relief when it turned out to be one of the girls that Shirou had met with yesterday – the one with twin tails… no, wait, Assassin had said that hairstyle was called two side up, wasn't it? "Oh, it's only you…"

The girl's eye twitched a little. "What do you mean 'only you,' you jerk? The least you could do is remember my name."

"Sorry," Lancer apologized weakly, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to remember her name. "It's Ruin, right?"

Once again, the girl's eye twitched – and above it Lancer could make out a small vein start to pulse. If he had to guess, he had gotten her name wrong. "It's **Rin**. Not 'Ruin.' There's nothing ruined about me."

"Rin," Lancer repeated, making sure that he got it down this time. "Right, got it. Now, is there anything I can help you with?"

Rin rolled her eyes. "Actually, I came to see if _you_ needed help. However," she added, glancing to Gáe Bolg which was still in Lancer's hands, "If you want to continue hugging that spear yours like you were before, I'll be glad to leave you alone."

"It's not what it looks like!" Lancer said, finally sending Gáe Bolg away.

"I didn't say it looks like anything at all. You just happen to enjoy lovingly stroking its shaft, all alone. Next time, though, you should pick a room with a door that you can lock."

"…I'm telling you it's not like that."

"Oh, and there's the windows too! Don't forget to at least close the curtains, so nobody outside can see."

"You know, you're a lot more vulgar than I expected, little miss."

"Oh?" Rin said with a grin. "Then what _were_ you doing just now?"

Lancer hadn't really given it thought up until that moment. He hardly could say it was something like a security blanket, er, security _spear_; it just didn't sound manly. "It helps me focus," he quickly explained, and it was close enough to the truth. "That's all it was, really."

"Right, right," Rin said. "You know, for heroic spirits, I always imagined that you legendary figures would be more… impressive."

"Hey now," Lancer said indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "We were humans too. Don't lump us in with any idealistic notions of heroes or something like that. All I ever wanted was just a good fight. I _still _just want a good fight," he added with a sigh. "It'd be nice if Berserker showed up again. If I'm lucky, I'll even get to battle him alone!"

Rin raised a brow; she had seen a little of what Berserker was capable of… and, if what she had heard correctly was true, the servants Shirou commanded were weaker than they were in life. "You… you don't think you possibly stand a chance alone and in your current state, do you?"

"Who cares?" Lancer said, pumping an excited fist into the air.

Rin face palmed. "You're crazy, you know that, right?"

"If by 'crazy' you mean 'incredibly amazing,' then yes."

"If by 'incredibly amazing' you mean 'completely stupid,' then yes," Rin said dryly. "That is exactly what I meant."

"That hurts," Lancer said, feigning an injury.

Once again, she rolled her eyes. What was the reason she decided to check up on him anyway? Oh, right; she was asked to check up on him.

"In any case," Rin said, thinking back to what Lancer was doing before. "You said you were using it to help you focus… focus on what?"

"Just some issues," Lancer said. "Nothing important, really."

"Ah," Rin said, nodding. "This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you kissed Saber last night, does it?"

"…who told you that?" Lancer asked warily.

"Rider filled Luvia and me in when she arrived," Rin explained. "Something about you guys getting drunk last night, and how one thing led to another…"

…of course it would be Rider. "Don't get the wrong idea," Lancer said hastily. "It's not like I meant to kiss Saber!"

"Oh?" Rin asked, tilting her head a little. She had no doubt that whatever he said was going to be interesting.

"Yes, you see… I was going to kiss someone else," Lancer said. "A woman! I just didn't notice who it was that I grabbed at the time."

"And why wouldn't Saber be fine?" Rin asked.

"…well, you know… you were there weren't you?" he said sheepishly. "So you know how Saber is actually King Arthur, right?"

"Yes, and…?"

"…well, I'm not like _that_," Lancer said. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not for me."

Rin stared at Lancer, furrowing her brow as she tried to figure out what he meant. It wasn't as though he could actually think that Saber was… No, no way. It should be completely obvious to anybody that saw her. How could anyone possibly make that mistake?

"…Lancer, you do know that Saber is a girl, right?" Rin asked just to be safe.

"That's what I thought too! But then-"

"There's really no buts about it, Lancer," Rin said with a groan, not sure how the notion that Saber had a penis had ever gotten into Lancer's head. "She is a girl. Just take another look at her and see for yourself!"

"That's…" Impossible; Saber had admitted herself that she was only a sword for Shirou… then again, _maybe_ she hadn't meant that as a euphemism. Besides, that would explain the small but soft feeling his hand felt – though he had thought it had been simply a drunken dream of his.

"You might be right," Lancer said, still a little unsure.

"I'm definitely right," Rin said, annoyed that Lancer believed she _might_ not be able to tell the difference between a boy and a girl.

"Just to be sure," Lancer said with a look of determination on his face. "I'll find out directly, and put my fears to rest."

"Lancer, just what is it-"

"No time to talk! There's not much time before school starts!" With that Lancer bolted out of the room, probably off to find Saber.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Rin said, knowing that disaster would inevitably follow the blue haired servant. "Just what does he think he's doing?"

XXX

"J-just what do you think you're doing?" Bazett yelled, pointing at Archer – arms protectively wrapped around herself. A furious blush was on her face after she scrambled to the opposite side of the bed – nearly falling off in her attempt to separate herself from Archer.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Archer said innocently, knowing that this would come back to bite her somehow. Still, this reaction – it was nostalgic.

"Don't pretend you don't know!" Bazett accused, her finger now hysterically pointing at Archer. "You did… with a feather and… wait, where did it go?" she asked, staring at Archer's now empty palms.

"Like I said, I have no idea what you're talking about," Archer said, shrugging.

Bazett frowned, sure that she hadn't imagined that feeling just now. She was also sure that there had been something in Archer's hands just a moment ago, but it had disappeared. "You…" She shook her head. So what if that was her imagination? Even if that hadn't been real, there was something else to worry about.

"You… what are you doing in this bed? And why are you naked?"

"…actually, I was hoping you would answer those questions for me," Archer said, rubbing her head. "That's why I woke you up."

"…you, you don't remember?" Bazett asked, tilting her head.

"No," Archer admitted. "I just sort of woke up here without any memory of what happened."

Bazett pursed her lips, examining Archer's expression. Archer's words seemed genuine, but then again she was never really good at telling when people were lying. "So, you don't remember anything at all?"

"No. I heading home," Archer explained, thinking that was close enough to the truth. "But… well, something happened after that, though I can't remember what it was. Then I woke up here…without my clothes, I might add."

"…whatever it was, it must have been horrible for you not to remember what it was," Bazett said, taking a quick guess. "Ah… but I guess that means Kogil must have saved you!"

Archer blinked. "Say that again?"

"Kogil," Bazett said, smiling cheerfully at Archer. "He's a middle school student without any parents, and this is the house they lived in. However, even though he is an orphan, he seems to be growing up into a fine young man," she continued, wiping away a single tear. "He must have been the one that brought you here and bandaged you up."

Kogil…

That name seemed familiar to Archer, but she couldn't quite figure out why.

"So, he's an orphan," Archer said, deciding on figuring out what Kogil's relationship to Bazett was first. "But what does that make you?"

"Ah," Bazett said with a blush, a finger twirling around a strand of her hair. "I'm just a freeloader taken in by him, I suppose. He's a very nice boy, who helped me out when I discovered I couldn't afford a place to stay, b-but don't get me wrong, I don't intend to take advantage for him for long!"

Archer frowned. "You know, an adult such as yourself shouldn't really be talking about taking advantage of a young boy at all," she said dryly.

Bazett turned even redder. "That's not what I meant," she said, running a hand through her hair. Archer knew that habit – it was what Bazett did whenever a dirty image popped in her head.

Before Archer could continue asking her questions, though, he heard a door open.

"Oh, you're up," a somewhat familiar voice behind him said. No doubt the boy that Bazett had mentioned.

Bazett practically lit up, waving at the person behind Archer. "Ah, Kogil!" she said. "I was just chatting with your friend here – really, you should have woken me up when you brought her."

Archer heard the boy's feat shift uneasily. "W-well," the boy said. "I didn't want to wake you up… but I had to put her somewhere."

"You don't need to worry about me," Bazett said. "But you know… this girl's case seems serious," she said, glancing over to Archer. "Apparently, she doesn't remember what happened at all."

"Is that so?" Kogil asked with a gasp.

"Also," Bazett said sternly. "Her clothes appear to have disappeared."

"…ah," Kogil said sheepishly. "About that… some woman wearing a blindfold jumped out of nowhere and dumped some water on you while I was carrying you. Then she took a picture and ran off. I thought it wouldn't be good to keep you in wet clothes so…"

"I understand," Archer said as she slapped her forehead. Of course Rider would do something like that instead of helping her... then again, being in unconscious in the hands of Rider – that was a terrifying thought.

"W-well, I was bringing you a set of dry clothes in the meantime!" Kogil said. "Sorry – I did my best not to look, really!"

Archer sighed. Really, all of this trouble could have been avoided if Rider had only told this Kogil that she knew Archer. This could also have been avoided if she hadn't been turned into a girl in the first place – which she still believed was somehow Rider's fault.

Well… whoever Kogil was, he was only trying to help.

Wrapping the comforter around herself (Archer knew that she should display at least a little amount of modesty), she turned around and smiled at Kogil. "Don't worry about it," she said. "I'll try not to impose on you too long. There's somewhere I should be right now, so I'll leave as soon as my clothes are dry."

"I understand," Kogil said. "But – you should at least wait until my friend has gotten a look at you. I'm worried that you might faint in the middle of the street again, Onee-san."

Archer blinked. "Your friend? Is he a doctor?"

"Not really," Bazett explained, waving her hand. "He's actually a priest. However, he's a nice guy, and one of the best healers I know!"

Suddenly, Archer's memory returned, and she remembered what it was that caused her to faint. This boy before her was no ordinary boy, and his name wasn't actually Kogil. No – it was Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes, and his friend was undoubtedly…

"Kotomine Kirei."

"Oh?" Kogil said, tilting his head. "So you know of him? He's more famous than I thought!"

"It's really a small world," Bazett said, with a nod. "After all, he's how I met you too. So, how do you know of him?"

Archer didn't answer Bazett's question - for one very good reason: For the second time that day, Archer had fainted.

"Onee-san? Onee-san!"

XXX

An awkward moment of silence passed between Saber and Luvia as their conversation had come to a sudden halt. There were other things that Luvia wanted to ask Saber of course, but she wasn't sure how to phrase them. The most important issue was Ilyasviel of course, and how the servants would handle her; at some point they would have to fight Berserker after all.

However, after that…

What would happen? Would the war simply end there? Would Shirou attain the Holy Grail, after defeating a single opponent? Or would the ritual remain incomplete, with the grail still out of reach for him despite being the only master remaining?

If that last thing happened, what would the servants do?

She was honestly afraid to ask. If they started to worry about that now, the servants might not be able to defeat Ilyasviel. They might be killed simply because they were distracted, or maybe sabotage the others. In the worst case situation, they might directly attack each other.

Nonetheless, there was one thing she had to know.

"Saber," she finally said, a serious gaze fixated on the knight. "No matter what happens… you'll stay by Shirou's side, won't you?"

Saber gave Luvia a reassuring smile and reached out to her with a hand. "Don't worry," he said, patting her on the head. "I'll be sure to protect him, no matter what, even if it means giving up my own life."


	9. You're welcome?

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" by Mereo Flere

XXX

There was absolutely no time to waste. School was about to start, and Lancer wanted – no, needed to confirm Saber's gender as soon as possible. It wasn't just for his own peace of mind, but also for his master; after all, if Saber did turn out to be a man he needed to do his best to warn his master to avoid transferring prana to Saber with any method other than the one Shirou was using now. Making sure that his master didn't make the same mistake he had was his duty; those with experience must teach the lessons they learned so the next generation wouldn't repeat it, after all.

Not that he had necessarily made a mistake. There was a chance he hadn't – at least not the kind of mistake he was afraid of at the moment. Sure, there might definitely be a problem with the way he had acted, but he just wanted to avoid the worst case scenario.

That girl… Rin had been so sure that Saber wasn't a guy, even though she too knew that Saber was none other than the legendary wielder of Excalibur. Apparently, being the King of Britain didn't seem to deter Rin's opinion of Saber's gender… and Lancer had been sure that Saber was a girl at the beginning as well.

Then again, that's why those pretty boy cross dressers were called traps, right? Because you couldn't see them coming? Or maybe it was because you could "spring" a trap…

"GAH!"

Lancer shook the thought out of his head before he imagined something… unfortunate. Right now, he had to focus on his task – finding Saber's true gender. Of course, that would mean finding Saber first – something that Lancer was having more trouble than he expected to have.

If he were Caster, he could have simply used a spell to detect Saber's location. If he were Archer, he could just climb up to the highest point in the school and use telescopic vision to look for him or her. If he were Saber's master, he could have used the flow of prana going to Saber to determine where he or she was. And, finally, if he were Assassin… well, he probably wouldn't even care about what Saber's gender really was then.

Still, he was Lancer – one of the fastest servants along with Rider. He could use his speed to rush through the unfamiliar school; then, it was only a matter of time before he would find her. There was just one problem…

Of course, he was limited to how fast he could go. Not by his own body, of course, but the fact that as the time for classes neared more people began to shuffle into the school. Even if he knew he and the rest of Shirou's servants were going to stand out no matter what they did, somehow he didn't think it would be wise to become a blue blur that zipped around the campus; nobody would recognize him if he went at his top speed, but it was hardly inconspicuous. He couldn't become incorporeal either; not without leaving his new uniform alone in a pile while he searched.

Yet, even if he held himself back to what a "normal" modern day human was capable of, that would be just enough to make search the entire school if he didn't stop for anything aside from opening the door.

"You can do it, Lancer," he said to himself. "As long as nothing gets in my way, it doesn't matter where Saber is!"

Needless to say, something got in his way.

XXX

So there he was, running through the halls – slamming doors open on the way to check if Saber was in them. So far, none of them had. However, after the first few classrooms, it seemed that he had started to attract attention with the noise that he made; he could feel the eyes of the students he passed glued to him – no doubt wondering who he was and what he was doing. He didn't bother to stop to explain either.

Eventually, though, he ran into someone. Not literally of course; after rounding the corner, he managed to stop himself in time before actually crashing into that person. However, while he would've normally just run around the person, like he had with the other students, something about this man seemed… different. To begin with, he wasn't a student; it was obvious this man was too old to be one here, and he wore a suit instead of a uniform. If anything, he was clearly a teacher, or some other member of the faculty. However, that wasn't what seemed off about him.

The way he held himself suggested martial discipline, and though Lancer hadn't noticed it at first there was definitely a sense that that man knew how to fight – perhaps even kill. It was clear that, if he wanted to, this man could be dangerous - perhaps not to Lancer himself, but maybe more dangerous than Lancer's master. Still, it wasn't like the man would have any reason to stop Lancer, right?

"Wait," the man said, holding up a hand, answering that unspoken question. "It's against school policy to run in the halls."

Lancer blinked. "Ah… that's right," he said to himself, remembering that there were rules that were supposed to be observed in the school. He'd been given a student manual to tell him precisely what those rules were… but to be honest he hadn't bothered to read such a boring thing. It's not like they actually mattered, right?

Then again… this glasses wearing man seemed to be the type that would take them seriously. "Sorry," Lancer apologized with a smile, hoping to cut this delay as short as possible. "I'm new here, you see… and there's something I really need to attend to."

"Is that so?" the man asked, adjusting his glasses as he examined Lancer closer. "Well then, I would like to welcome you as a new member of the school."

"Thank you."

"…however, that is no excuse for disobeying the rules." Lancer tensed up. Was he already going to get in trouble before he had even started his first day? "Make sure it doesn't happen again."

No… apparently not.

"I'll be sure to play good," Lancer said, giving the man an obedient salute.

"Good." The other man nodded, seemingly satisfied by Lancer's words. Then, just like that, he walked around the corner, passing Lancer without so much as another glance.

With a sigh of relief, Lancer waited for the teacher to walk farther down the hall until he was sure that the other man was out of earshot. Then, with a confident grin, he turned back to where he was heading originally, and nodded.

"Well, with that out of the way, I might as well get back on track."

That had taken a bit of his time, after all; all the more reason to go even faster. He needed to catch Saber before school began, after all.

"Alright, here goes nothing!"

And like that he started to run again… at least that should have been the case. He had barely cleared a few feet before he suddenly stopped – jerked backwards off his feet by his collar. Before he knew what was happening he was flat on his back, staring up at the man who had pulled him down.

"Impossible," Lancer said, eyes widening in disbelief. "That's impossible! You left, I saw you leave!"

"As I said before," the man said sternly, staring down at Lancer. "It's against school policy to run in the halls."

"Who… who are you?"

"You may call me Kozuki-sensei," he said, helping Lancer get back to his feet. "Now, come with me."

Kozuki kept a firm grip on Lancer's collar and since even he knew you couldn't just knock a teacher out, Lancer knew escaping wouldn't be easy. "Look," Lancer said, hoping to reason with this teacher. "I know it's bad to run in the halls – but this really is an emergency!"

"Oh?" Kozuki raised a brow. "Well then, if that is the case, what is the nature of your emergency?"

"I need to take someone's pants off!"

"…"

"…yeah, I know," Lancer said shamefully, scratching the back of his head. "I don't know why I said it like that either."

"In any case," Kozuki said, mentally filing a note to keep an eye on the new transfer student from now on. "Removing another student's uniform is also prohibited."

"…damn it," Lancer muttered to himself. It really looked like the teacher was going to drag him away. Still…

He had to know. He couldn't afford to waste time – he had to know now, before as soon as possible, or his mind would be plagued by doubt.

"If it's come to this, then… I'll just escape by force!"

He was a servant, after all. No matter how supernatural this human seemed, no force could hold him down. Summoning his power, he broke free from Kozuki's grip – not even held back in the slightest by the teacher.

The same, however, could not be said for his shirt.

XXX

"You know," Luvia said, as she leaned back in her seat. "Maybe you're too tough on Lancer. I mean, sure he's a little forward… but it's better for a man to be that way, don't you think?" At the very least, she wouldn't have minded if Shirou was a little more forward with her.

"His actions dishonor him," Saber said sternly, crossing his arms over his chest. "And, more importantly, his treatment of me dishonors me."

"Yes… but maybe that's just how it was back in those times."

"Luvia," Saber said, bowing her head, wondering why Luvia was trying to defend him in the first place. "One's actions should not be defined by the era they are in. Honor is honor – right is right, no matter what time or place you're from."

"I see," Luvia said with a frown. "Well, I can't disagree with you there. Deplorable actions are certainly unforgivable no matter when or where they occurred. But still…"

"…still what?"

"What if he's just clumsy?" she asked. "There are people like that as well."

Saber frowned. To be honest, you could hardly call someone as coordinated as Lancer as clumsy. Thoughtless would be a better word, then. Nonetheless… "No, I'm sure my assessment of him is correct. He is definitely a pervert."

"Really?"

At that point, the door slid open slamming against the frame as the devil they were speaking of rushed into the room.

"Saber! I found you! Hurry up and take off your pants!"

Saber stared at him for a moment, wondering why he wasn't wearing a shirt. It took only another moment to decide that she didn't particularly want to know. Then, after coming to that conclusion, she looked back at Luvia. "Really. He is absolutely, most definitely a pervert."

Lancer blinked, looking at the two girls, before realizing they had been talking about him. It might've been the annoyed look that Saber sent him, or how naturally their conversation seemed to flow despite his interruption, or how Saber gestured towards him at the word "pervert," but mostly it was because the breeze he suddenly felt around his chest.

"Hold on, I've got a good explanation for this!" he said, holding up his hands. "Really! But first, before he catches up to me, you really need to take your pants off. Just trust me on this!"

There were plenty of things Saber could've said to him at that point. Flat out refusing him with a simple no would've been her first instinctive response. She also wanted to make it clear that it would be very, very difficult to trust him, which would require a lengthier response. There was also a small part of her that was curious about whom this 'he' Lancer was talking about was.

Of course, she didn't get a chance to voice any of those words. She did, however, get an answer to her silent question.

"Taking off your own clothes is also against school policy," a man said, suddenly appearing behind Lancer. Then, before Lancer could finish shouting, "Crap, he's here!" the man locked his arms around Lancer's neck and dragged him away.

"…yeah, he's definitely a pervert," Luvia said, feeling silly for ever trying to be on his side.

XXX

The truth is that Archer hadn't fainted at all. Okay, so maybe she fainted that first time in the middle of the street – but that was due to shock. She definitely wouldn't have fainted twice in the same day, however. The second time was purely a tactical retreat into her own subconscious – one so effective that she had temporarily shut down the functions of the rest of her body. It totally wasn't because she had fainted again.

Not that she needed to justify it to herself after all. It wasn't as if there was anyone around who would know. But she knew the truth – and it was that she didn't faint at all.

In fact, maybe she hadn't fainted the first time either. This was clearly some tactical maneuver to allow her to observe other players in the Holy Grail war that could possibly affect the outcome. That was probably it. Finding out Gilgamesh… **that **Gilgameshhadturned into a young elementary school boy was worth investigating. It was also strange to find out that Bazett had wound up staying with said King (or was it now Prince?) of Heroes.

She'd just been closing her eyes all along, that's all. When it became clear that Kotomine would show up, she had been surprised. Caution, not fainting, which as she already established to herself she definitely hadn't done.

The question was… what should she do now? That action was a bit conspicuous after all – no doubt confirming in their heads that she knew of the priest in some sort of fashion. But, it wasn't like they could be completely sure, right? Even if they were suspicious of her, it wasn't impossible for someone to know the local priest – and for people that knew Kotomine well fainting was a perfectly normal response if you heard he was coming over.

The problem was that she wouldn't be able to deny that she knew him, and Kotomine would be able to instantly tell that the two of them hadn't met in his life – not yet, at least. From there, it would only be a simple matter to deduce that she was, in some way, related to the grail war that had just recently begun.

In the worst case scenario, they would figure out that she was a servant. That had to absolutely be avoided at all costs. For that reason, she had to do her best to avoid encountering the priest in the first place.

"I'm okay, really!" Archer yelled as she quickly sat up in bed. "I don't need to have a checkup after all – so you can tell that priest that he doesn't have to come."

"Okay Onee-san," Kogil said, blinking. "But, you see, there's one problem with that. He's already here."

It was then that Archer realized that there was now a fourth person in the room. Apparently, in the time that Archer had spent merely closing her eyes (and not fainting at all) Kotomine had arrived – and was now standing at the foot of the bed, watching her with an amused look in his eyes.

"Ah," Archer said with a weak laugh, nervously scratching her cheek. "So he is."

"So I am," Kotomine said with a smile, no doubt enjoying the fact that he had somehow managed to cause distress to yet another human being just by existing next to them. "So I am."

"…ah," Archer said, feeling a bead of sweat on her forehead. "So, you're Kotomine?" she asked, despite already knowing the answer.

"Yes, yes I am," Kotomine answered, raising a brow. "But I was made to believe you already knew of me."

"Well, we never actually met," Archer lied, hoping to figure out a way to explain all of this. "But, you see, a friend told me to be careful around a priest called Kotomine."

Bazett frowned. "Now who would do that?" she asked, tilting her head. "It seems pretty rude to slander a man as nice as Kotomine."

"Ahaha," Archer said uneasily, unable to even make an attempt at an actual laugh. "Well, I'm sure they had their reasons."

"Still," Bazett said, as she pointed at Archer. "You can't just make judgments on other people based on rumors without even meeting them."

"I guess you're right," Archer admitted, agreeing with her on that point. Of course, it was precisely because she had met Kotomine before in a previous lifetime that she was so wary of him in the first place.

"Now, now," Kotomine said, motioning for his associate to back off. "I'm sure her friend didn't mean any real harm. Though I am curious about who would say such a thing about me." There were only a few people who outwardly distrusted him, after all, though he already had an idea of who it was.

Archer gulped, realizing the mess she had gotten into. She could just give out a random name – but no, that wouldn't work. "That's… a secret," she said after a moment, looking away. "I don't want to rat out a friend, after all."

Especially if that friend happened to be herself.

"It was Tohsaka Rin, isn't it?"

"Eh?" Archer blinked. That was a quick conclusion the priest had come to, though it wasn't like he was wrong about Rin's opinion of him. "How would you even know that I know Rin?"

"Aside from the fact that you more or less admitted you did just now?" Kotomine asked.

"…yes," Archer said, hanging her head. That had definitely been a careless mistake on her part.

"Well," Kotomine said, turning his back to the girl as he began his explanation. "First of all, you're around the same age as her. Second of all, you go to the same high school as her, judging from your uniform. Third of all – and this is the biggest thing – her name was on your underwear."

"…"

Archer closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. She thought it had been strange that Rider had managed to not only get a school uniform from Saber but some underwear as well. At the time, she hadn't bothered to ask questions… but then again, maybe she should have realized it herself, based on the design. Though she wasn't an expert in women's underwear, the blue and white stripes should have tipped her off.

But still, there was one important issue to address.

"Kotomine-san," Archer said, careful to add the suffix. "Just… just what are you, a priest of the church, doing looking at a high school girl's underwear?"

Kotomine shrugged, not at all bothered by the accusation. "Nothing. I did nothing at all. After all, I wasn't the one to find out," he said, as he gestured to the person next to him.

"Ah… that," Kogil said weakly, scratching the back of his head. "S-sorry Onee-san… it's just that your clothes were wet and… well, like I told you before, we couldn't just leave them on you."

"Say no more," Archer said, holding up a hand. The thought of Gilgamesh – even a young boy version of Gilgamesh, taking off his underwear and looking at it was too much for his mind to take.

Some people, however, had other concerns. "Why would this girl be wearing someone else's underwear?" Bazett asked, tilting her head from one side to the other as she thought about it.

"Why indeed," Kotomine said with a grin. In the background, Kogil turned around to hide his blush, while Archer herself said a silent prayer for Rin's reputation.

XXX

Assassin hadn't much to do when Archer left to go find Caster – and though he did wonder if he should have made sure that Rider didn't follow her. He was sure she wouldn't do anything really harmful, but for some reason she seemed to be particularly mischievous today. So he was left with no choice but to wander the school again. Aside from Lancer getting dragged to the office, however, he didn't see anything particularly interesting. However, it did seem a little strange that Lancer would be shouting about pants when it was it had been his shirt that was missing. Eventually, though, Assassin's wandering ways came he spotted Rin in a classroom alone, and decided to say hi.

However, before he could give his greeting –

"Atchoo!"

She sneezed.

"Someone talking about you?" he asked, as he took a seat in the desk next to her.

"Maybe," she said with a tired look. "But it's probably just the breeze giving me a cold."

"Breeze?" Assassin asked as he raised a brow.

"Yeah, you don't feel it?" Rin blinked – it was a lot colder than she had expected to be today. Of course, she had to admit that it felt the coldest around the lower half of her body, but that was probably just because all of the hot air tended to rise or something like that.

"We're inside and all the windows are closed. How can there be a breeze?"

"I don't know," Rin said with a shrug. "Maybe somebody turned on the air conditioner or something." Granted, she hadn't actually heard one turning on… but well, there had to be some sort of explanation for it being colder than it should've been.

"I see," Assassin said with a nod. He didn't know what an air conditioner was, but if Rin said it could create some wind it probably could.

"Anyway, that isn't really important," Rin said, deciding to forget about the breeze for the moment and focus on more important things. "I have to know… are you ready?"

"To go to school?" Assassin asked. "Indeed I am. There's just one thing…"

"…what?" Rin asked. Assassin seemed to be one of the more capable servants in Shirou's group, so it was surprising to hear that there was something he was uneasy about.

"…did you really have to enroll me as Sasaki Kojirou?"

"I don't really see a problem with it," Rin answered after a moment. "After all, it's a Japanese name, albeit a famous one." Of course, it wasn't simply famous; it was legendary. Still, it wasn't like there weren't people who named their kids after legends.

Assassin, though, wasn't quite as convinced as she was. "It's just that… aren't we supposed to keep those hidden?"

Rin shrugged. "I don't really think it's a big deal. There's nobody who can take advantage of it. Your opponent is Berserker, after all, and Ilyasviel seems to be the kind of girl who would brute force any problem she comes across."

"…I see," Assassin said, seeing her point. Berserkers weren't well known for their ability to make tactical decisions based on the identity of their enemy.

Actually, berserkers weren't known for their ability to make any type of decisions at all – except on whether or not something had to be smashed or slashed. They were the sort that would follow their instincts in battle, and Ilya's servant seemed to be no different.

However…

"What about the others, then? You're not going to call Saber something like King Arthur, right?"

"Don't be silly," Rin said, waving away the very thought of that. "That's way more conspicuous than Sasaki Kojirou if you ask me. Though, with her looks, she definitely needs a foreign sounding name."

"…so, what did you guys go with?"

"Arthur King, the exchange student from Britain."

Assassin stared at her. "You… you can't be serious."

"...Luvia and I thought it was pretty clever at the time," Rin admitted. "To be honest, it's actually one of the better ones we agreed upon."

Assassin sighed. If that was the case, then he truly was worried for his fellow servants. "Still, did you really have to pick a guy's name? Wouldn't you normally have it be a woman's instead? I know we were joking around with Lancer – but Saber was clearly a girl, you know."

"Oh that," Rin said. "For some reason, Rider insisted for it to be male at the time. She said it would be easier for someone like Saber to pretend to be a man."

"I see…" Any ideas that Rider had somehow been innocent in the way today's events had turned out were instantly banished from Assassin's mind. "On the bright side, Saber won't have to pretend anymore."

XXX

A full minute had passed since Archer had more or less sold out Rin. It had passed quietly, with nobody being quite sure what to say. Archer didn't want to say anything that could make this situation worse, while Kogil was just too embarrassed by what had been implied earlier. As for Kotomine – well, he enjoyed seeing both of them squirm, and so he just stood there smiling, content with letting someone else wrestle with the uncomfortable responsibility of speaking up first.

Eventually, however, Bazett broke the silence.

"Ah, I get it," she said, nodding her head sagely. "The two of you mixed up your underwear, didn't you?"

Kogil laughed nervously. "Yes," he said, clapping his hands together. "That's probably what happened, right?"

Archer blinked before awkwardly nodding in agreement. It was awkward enough for her to explain the other implications, after all, especially when they weren't real in the first place. "Of course," she said. "What other reasons could there possibly be?"

"None, I'm sure," Kogil quickly said, not wanting to give Bazett to figure them out.

"I see, so I was correct after all," Bazett said, satisfied. "You should return them as quickly as possible, then."

"Don't worry, I will," Archer replied. "I have no intention of wearing her panties ever again." Or anybody else's, for that matter.

To be honest, she just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible – preferably without them finding out anything they didn't need to. For the moment, they didn't suspect her of being a servant at all, so as long as she didn't say anything unnecessary they would likely remain oblivious to her true nature.

Still, she wasn't really comfortable letting them ask any more questions. There had to be a way to prevent that…

Oh, of course.

"By the way," Archer said, pulling the blanket up closer to her face. "It's embarrassing, having two guys in the room when I don't have any clothes on."

Kogil blinked, somehow having forgotten that she was naked despite being the one to undress her earlier. A moment later, however, he blushed, finally realizing the situation for what it is. "S-sorry Onee-san," he apologized, looking away. "I'll leave you to Kotomine."

"Wait," Archer said, looking at the priest. "You can go too. I'm perfectly fine – honest."

"Are you sure?" Kotomine asked. "You can never be too careful, you know. Fainting all of a sudden is a serious issue."

"Oh, that… I just didn't get enough sleep last night, that's all. It's not a big deal, really."

Kotomine nodded. "Very well then, if you insist," he said, showing no particular concern for her. With that, he turned and left with Kogil.

Now, all that was left was Bazett and Archer. Archer stared at the magus, who still seemed to be staring at her.

"Aren't you going to leave too?" Archer asked – hoping that she would be able to gather her thoughts alone.

Bazett, however, simply tilted her head. "I don't see any problem. We're both female, after all," she stated simply.

"Ah, that's right," Archer said. That was unfortunately right.

"By the way," Bazett said as something popped into her mind. "How did you get your laundry mixed up with this Rin girl's, anyway? It doesn't sound like you two live together."

"…"

"…what?"

"It's nothing," Archer said. "We just had… a sleepover, that's it."

"Oh, I see. But wait - I thought you said you didn't get much sleep last night?"

XXX

There were fifteen minutes before school began, and most of the students had already started shuffling into their classes. Being late had never really been one of Shirou's concerns however; even on the rare days he had slept in he had always managed to find a way to get to school on time. The only exception had been when he had gotten an injury during practice when he had still been part of the Archery club; that time he hadn't been able to go to school the next day. Even now, after all that had happened, he managed to be in his seat well before the bell rang.

However, it was his servants' tardiness that had become a cause for concern.

"Really… I knew this was too reckless…"

Though it wasn't a surprise that Lancer had been taken to the office, it was disheartening that it had happened before his first class. Still, it was better than Archer and Rider; as transfer students, everybody was supposed to go to the office anyway, so at least Lancer wouldn't get lost before school started. Those two, however, were nowhere to be seen on campus. Supposedly Shirou should have been able to detect where they were using the contract between them, but…

Apparently, he wasn't skilled enough to do that.

"On the bright side, they can probably still tell where you are," Luvia had told him after he admitted his lack of talent, undoubtedly trying to ease his concerns. "So, if you're in trouble they'll always know where to find you."

"Right," Shirou said, not sure if he was comforted by that thought at all.

"Worried about Archer using that to sneak up on you?" Luvia asked, after once again making sure nobody was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Sort of," Shirou admitted, nodding his head. That was always a possibility after all. Then again, Shirou wasn't sure that Archer would even need that connection to find him. However, the fact that Archer had yet another advantage over him besides the vaguely psychic powers Archer seemed to possess did little to curb his paranoia.

Luvia smiled. Even though the two of them had been in the same class for a month now, it wasn't often that they were able to talk in the morning like this. Normally, someone would try to monopolize him – usually Issei, though occasionally one of the teachers would go to him for help since Shirou was always willing to lend a hand.

Today, though, she had these few precious minutes with him all to herself. Even if it was spent talking about the Holy Grail War, there was no better time to improve their relationship than by helping him right now.

"You don't need to be concerned," Luvia said. "Remember, if he gives you any real trouble you can always rely on your command seals to keep him under control."

"That's right," Shirou said, with a sigh of relief. Glancing towards his arm, he remembered the symbols hidden underneath the sleeve – the sigils of power that would allow him to exert control over his servants. Even if he didn't like the idea of treating anybody like a slave, it was good to have something that would prevent Archer from messing with him too much.

"Wait a second… why didn't I think of this before?"

"Huh?" Luvia blinked, a little startled because Shirou had suddenly stood up from his seat. "Is there something wrong, Shirou?"

Shirou grinned at her before shaking his head. "No, there's nothing wrong at all. In fact, you've given me a great idea."

"You're welcome?" she said, tilting her head as she tried to figure out what he had come up with.

XXX

For some reason, Bazett's curiosity had been unending, and to be honest Archer wasn't sure if she had enough answers in stock. Archer was even beginning to suspect that Bazett was messing with her on purpose – but Archer endured.

In the end, all Archer had to do was wait for her clothes to dry. After that, she could just put on her uniform and go to home. Sure, she would be in trouble for skipping her first day of class, but it would be better to go tomorrow. By then, Archer would be a "he" instead of a "she."

Finally, the most beautiful sound in the world came – the electric buzzing of a clothes dryer signaling the end of this nightmare.

"It looks like your clothes are dry," Bazett said, glancing towards the door.

It was about time, too. "Thank you," Archer said, a strained smile on her face. "Could you get them for me? It's just, well, you know… I don't want to walk out there like this."

Bazette nodded and stood up. "It's fine, I understand."

"Again, thanks."

Archer waved goodbye to Bazett as the woman walked through the door, closing it behind her so that nobody could peek in. Finally alone, Archer sighed in relief – just glad that it was soon going to be over. Nothing could possibly mess this up, short of Rider just barging in to "rescue" her.

Of course, even Rider wouldn't be that reckless, right?

"Don't worry," she told herself. "Nothing is going to go wrong. The only person who could possibly screw this up is… well, you."

It was then that she heard it – a voice that cut through time and space itself to reach her. It was a familiar voice, as it should have been; once upon a time that voice had belonged to her, after all.

"Archer, by the power of this command seal, I order you to appear before me!"

"…oh you've got to be kidding me."


	10. Good job

"What if (Almost) Everybody was Shirou's Servant" by Mereo Flere

XXX

Some people might question the wisdom of using up a command seal to call forth a delinquent servant. Even if you were like Shirou, who happened to have an unusually large amount of them compared to most masters that participates in the Holy Grail War, there was still a limit to the number of commands that he could give. He had started out with eighteen – three for each of his servants – and he had already used up three to rescue his servants in the previous day.

If he used all of his command seals up, he would have no way of keeping his servants under control except his natural charisma. That might work for Saber, whose honorable nature would likely keep her duty bound to him as a knight, but the others were probably more likely to do their own thing. There was Lancer to consider, after all; the blue haired warrior seemed intent on creating a new legend on his perverseness whenever he left Shirou's eyes. Rider also liked to play around, and while she didn't seem to have any malicious intentions so far Shirou needed to make sure that she didn't go too far.

And then there was Archer. Archer definitely wouldn't listen to Shirou. Psychic bastard or not, Shirou just felt like he would have trouble dealing with Archer.

Shirou knew he would have to keep some command seals in reserve. At the same time, however, he also couldn't let his servants think he was too afraid to use them.

Of course, he wasn't so reckless that he would do it in the classroom, immediately after his talk with Luvia. Instead, he went to the rooftop – a place that was deserted since it was almost time for classes to begin. Still, he looked around to make sure that nobody else was there, just to be safe.

When he was satisfied that nobody else was around, he raised his arm and gave his command.

"Archer, by the power of this command seal, I order you to appear before me!"

A bright flash of red light blinded Shirou for a moment, but he knew when he opened his eyes that Archer would be there. The thing was…

"Shirou, you idiot!"

He hadn't been ready for what Archer would appear like.

"…"

Shirou had known about Archer's circumstances, how the bowman had accidentally taken Saber's potion instead of his own. He knew Archer would be a girl – and had even guessed that she would be a pretty girl, considering how most of the heroic spirits he'd seen had could have passed for models; with long, messy white hair, a tan complexion, and an athletic build, Archer would probably appeal to the kind of people who liked wild girls.

He simply hadn't expected Archer to be nude. Well, not completely nude; she still had a blanket, after all, wrapped around her body. If not for that, though, Shirou would've been able to see everything.

"Archer, just what were you doing?" Shirou said, looking away with a blush. Archer was a girl now, after all, and it wasn't right to just stare at her.

Archer's eye twitched. "Oi," she said angrily. "Don't start being the one blushing here! You're the last person I want to get that reaction from!"

"It's a legitimate question!" Shirou shouted back, crossing his arms as he glanced back at her. "I knew that you got turned into a girl, but to be only wearing a bedsheet…"

At that moment, Shirou noticed something strange about the blanket. Shirou didn't remember owning such a blindingly bright golden blanket; in fact, he had never seen one in his life like that.

"Where did you even get that blanket?"

Archer thought carefully about her answer. Saying it belonged to an elementary school boy would only bring about unfortunate implications.

"It's…my noble phantasm."

"Your noble phantasm is a bed sheet?"

"…yes."

"Even if you don't think much of me, I'm not that stupid," Shirou said with a frown.

"Haven't you ever heard of the golden fleece?" Archer said, hoping that her past self would buy it.

"But that looks more like silk." That was because it was. "Besides, Caster would've recognized you if that really were your noble phantasm."

"How in the world would you know something like that?" Archer didn't remember being well versed in Greek mythology when she was in the Holy Grail War.

"I looked it up on the Internet after you revealed the others' identities. By the way, did you know that nobody seems to know that King Arthur was actually a girl?"

"…"

Shirou blinked. It seemed that Archer was lost, for once. "Ah, the Internet is like a series of tubes that-"

"I know what an Internet is."

"Oh," Shirou said. "So… are you going to tell me what you were doing?"

"No."

Shirou frowned. If Archer didn't want to talk, Shirou couldn't make her… well, not until he used a command seal anyway, and that would be cheating. It was probably something embarrassing that she wanted to keep a secret; naturally, if he could figure out what it was on his own, he could freely tease her about it.

Still… what could it be?

"Ah," Shirou said, eyes widening as the realization hit him.

It should have been obvious from the start. Archer was a psychic bastard; there was no way she would've simply "accidentally" grabbed Saber's potion. That could only mean one thing: Archer had wanted this from the beginning.

That was why he didn't have any problems with this high school plan. When they had first come up with it, Shirou had been sure that Archer would have called it stupid, but that hadn't been the case at all. While Archer didn't make it completely obvious, Shirou could tell that Archer had been looking forward to today.

And now, he understood why.

"You wanted to be a little girl all along, didn't you?"

"…what."

"I'm not here to judge," Shirou said, holding up his hand. "It's okay; you're free to do whatever you want with your own body."

"Again, what."

"But you know," Shirou said, nodding his head sagely. "There's a time and place for that sort of thing…"

"Shirou," Archer said, glaring at the boy. "Shut up."

"Though that still doesn't explain where you got that blanket."

XXX

Archer wanted to kill Shirou.

This wasn't anything new, of course. The only reason she hadn't killed him yet was because Shirou hadn't done anything stupidly heroic yet – just plain stupid. Perhaps a part of her still had hope for him, a faint desire to see him walk down a different path all on his own...

Right now, however, she **really **wanted to kill him, more than she ever had before.

Strangling him with the blanket was something she considered. It would offer Archer a great deal of satisfaction, allowing her to strangle her past self with her bare hands. Still, it left the opportunity for him to use a command seal to tell him to stop. Throwing Shirou off the roof also wouldn't work, Archer realized. Besides the command seal issue, she had survived many falls in her own lifetime. She could wait until his back was turned and take him out in one strike... but that would feel anticlimactic.

In the end, she decided to let him live.

"Look," Archer said, rubbing the bridge of her nose as she tried to figure out a way to convince Shirou she wasn't some sort of pervert. "This isn't what you think."

"It isn't?" Shirou said, tilting his head. He frowned - he had been so sure of himself too.

"Of course it isn't. What man would even want to become a high school girl?"

"A lot, actually," Shirou said. "I mean, people have changed sex before, even without a magic potion."

"Well, yes," Archer admitted sheepishly. "But... look, would you ever consider it?"

Shirou frowned. He didn't really see why his opinion would matter to Archer. Still... "Well, never before," Shirou said, crossing his arms. "But, now that I think about it, it might be an interesting experience." After all, how often did you get a chance to be in a body that wasn't your own?

Archer stared at him, horrified. "No. No it isn't," she said angrily. "Don't think about it. And don't ever dare bring that up to anyone."

"But you were the one that asked."

"Apparently, it was a mistake. Never mention it again. Just know that **I **didn't want this."

"Well then, if you didn't, how did you get to be this way then?" Shirou asked.

Archer thought about it for a moment, seriously considering the question for the first time. Originally, she had thought it was an honest mistake on her part, but... "It probably has something to do with Rider," Archer said with a sigh.

"Rider? What makes you say that?"

"I don't know," Archer said, eyes flickering over to something behind Shirou.

**-Click-**

"...just a hunch, I suppose."

"Greetings Archer. Greetings Master."

XXX

On one hand, Shirou was glad that he didn't have to use up a command seal to summon up Rider. On the other hand... he really didn't know what to make of her sudden appearance on the rooftop.

At the very least, there was nothing wrong with her clothes; Rider was wearing the school uniform properly like she was supposed to, even removing the blindfold that she always had on. However, she kept her eyes closed, which made him wonder exactly how she was supposed to operate the camera she held in hands. There was also the question of why she had chosen now and here to appear - or what that strange bag set behind her was.

Still... he decided that the most important thing was finding out what she was doing.

"I'm taking pictures of Archer," she explained as she snapped another picture, perfectly capturing the expression of an annoyed maiden on film.

"And why are you taking pictures of Archer?"

"Because he turned into a girl."

"...and that's supposed to be a reason?"

Rider turned towards Shirou with a confused frown. Then, after a moment... "Because he turned into a cute girl?"

"Just what would you do with pictures of Archer anyway?"

"What _wouldn't_ I do?" Rider asked, surprised that the question even came up.

"Well, look at them for example," Archer said, bluntly. "Your eyes aren't even open."

"Well, that's just how cute a girl you are."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Archer said, throwing her arms up in frustration. "Were you always like this?"

Rider didn't even hesitate before giving her answer. "Yes."

Archer sighed, shaking his head. Shirou, on the other hand, blinked, wondering what what Archer had meant.

"Always?" he said. "Did you two know each other when you were alive?"

"No," Rider said, shaking her head. "I never met him before you summoned me."

Archer coughed, deciding wisely to change the subject. "Anyway - what do you think you're doing?"

"Didn't Master already ask that question?"

"I mean before this. I know you're the one who caused all of... well, this," Archer said, gesturing towards her new body.

"...you have no proof of that."

"You're not denying it."

"No," Rider said, without a hint of shame. "No I'm not."

"I also know about the bucket of water."

"...ah, so you heard about that."

Archer frowned. "Yes. Yes I did."

Shirou scratched his head. "Wait. Bucket of water?"

"Long story," Archer said. "One I'd rather not go into."

"But you're the one that brought it up," Shirou said with a frown.

"Quiet. I didn't mean for _you_ to hear it, anyway. More importantly," Archer added, staring at Rider. "I want to know what you were doing."

It was best to be prepared, after all. While she doubted that Rider would be completely honest, Archer also doubted that Rider would've been idle in the time that they had been apart. She had half expected Rider to just barge into Gilgamesh's home whenever it would've been most inconvenient. Still, whatever Rider had done instead couldn't have been anything but trouble for Archer.

"...ah," Rider said. Pocketing her camera, she brought up the bag - waving it in front of the servant with the bow as if to taunt her. "Well, I felt a little guilty about getting you wet, so I decided to get you some new clothes."

Archer frowned. That didn't seem to sound too bad... except, where would Rider have gotten some clothes? "The stores aren't open right now, not that you would have enough money... don't tell me you broke into someone's closet?"

"Don't worry," Rider said. "I only broke into one of ours."

Together, Archer and Shirou blinked. "Ours?"

"Specifically, I broke into Caster's closet."

XXX

It seemed like Archer's knowledge of the other servants was... incomplete, to put it mildly. Sure, she might have had a fair grasp of what their combat abilities were. She knew, whether through her own experiences or their legends, what their noble phantasms were. However, there were things that neither her previous life nor the history books could prepare her for.

To begin with, Rider was a predator, preying on anybody as she desired. Caster was apparently into cosplay. As for Assassin, there had been that katana comment earlier that had made everybody suspicious of him, and to be honest she was still surprised that King Arthur had secretly been a girl.

What was next - Lancer _not_ being a pervert?

No, probably nothing that extreme.

Still, Archer had to deal with the fact that Rider was trying to get her to wear a familiar looking sailor uniform - and, if Rider had her way, make Archer do things "in the name of the moon."

"No. Absolutely not. Get that thing away from me."

"But you're naked," Rider pointed out, pushing the costume towards Archer's face once more.

"No thanks to you," Archer reminded her - though that only served to put a smile on Rider's face.

"You do need to put clothes on," Shirou said, nodding his head. "We can't have you running around in just a blanket, after all."

"Look on the bright side," Rider said. "It's cute."

"That isn't a selling point," Archer said. "Besides, it doesn't even look like the school uniform!"

"Well, we have to do _something_," Shirou said with a frown. "It's just clothes, Archer."

Archer narrowed her eyes at her past self. "I still have my dignity, _Master_."

"You're a naked girl on the school rooftop," Rider said with a smirk. "Dignity isn't exactly what I would call this."

"Now that's wrong," Shirou said, shaking his head. "He still has that blanket."

"Are you sure?" Rider asked - suddenly holding up a golden piece of cloth in her other hand.

Archer blinked - and then looked down. "What the - when did you manage to get that?"

"Taking things off of young maidens without them noticing is a special skill of mine," Rider said confidently. Somewhere below them, Rin complained about a draft again.

"I'm not sure you should be so proud of that," Shirou said weakly, taking care not to look in Archer's direction again. Unfortunately, the soft blush that accompanied that action only served to annoy Archer further.

"Hey, stop _that_. I'm still a man on the inside."

"I can't help it! What, do you want me to look?"

Archer scowled. "No - but I don't want you treating that me that way to begin with. It's weird!"

"Well, you don't have any modesty at all now! Just put on some clothes."

"That's right," Rider said with a nod. "You don't have any other options now, do you?"

Archer narrowed her eyes at Rider. She was right, unless she could magically make clothes appear out of thin air.

Wait.

"There is something I can still do," Archer said with a triumphant grin, slapping herself in the forehead for not remembering such a thing earlier. "I'm still a servant, remember? All of us can call forth the clothes we were summoned in."

Then, to prove her point, she held out her arms - commanding her old outfit to reappear. A moment later, the familiar weight of red and black clothing fell on her, and for an instant Archer believed she had foiled Rider's plans.

That was when her pants, far too loose around the waist, fell to a crumpled heap at her feet along with her underwear. Were it not for the loose shirt and jacket, her hips would have still been bare to the world.

Silence briefly filled the air. Nobody knew exactly what to say at that moment. Rider, however, knew exactly what to do.

-Click-

To be honest, both Archer and Shirou should have expected that.

"Stop that!"

"Good job, Archer," she said, giving the other girl a thumbs up. "This is even better than what I had planned for you."

Archer's eye twitched again. Things really couldn't get any worse, could they?

"Hey, aren't those my boxers...?"

_Damn it._

XXX

Caster knew what she was supposed to be doing: fetching the perverted dog that happened to be nicknamed Lancer. While she had no problems with what he was trying to do - removing a girl like Saber's pants was an admirable goal on any day - the way he had gone about it was reckless. Running in the halls would only gather attention. Doing it shirtless was even worse. Bursting into a classroom and shouting at the top of your lungs, however, was the absolute worst idea he could've come up with.

Maybe it would've worked if it were some other woman. There were many women who fancied the idea of a handsome man like Lancer appearing before them and demanding them to undress so that he could ravage her. However, this was King Arthur; even if the Arthur happened to have been a girl all along, such a crude frontal assault would only offend Saber. In the end, Lancer had only managed to get himself caught by a teacher, who was probably lecturing him right now about proper school protocol.

She didn't know. Caster wasn't there to see what was happening to him because halfway there Caster realized something very important: Saber was wearing pants in the first place.

This was a grave issue indeed. If there had been one thing Caster had been looking forward to today, it had been the fact that Saber was going to be in a school uniform.

Saber probably still was wearing one. However... it held no meaning if it was the male's uniform.

The thought horrified her. There would be no panty shots if she was dressed up as a man; a simple breeze, easy enough for her to muster up with her magic, would be able to flip up a skirt. When it came to pants, however... wind strong enough to tear off Saber's pants would be just as likely as to rip Saber's panties away - assuming Saber was even wearing some to begin with.

It just wouldn't be the same.

Still, she held out hope that she had misheard what had happened. Maybe Lancer had said "Take off your panties!" instead. It certainly made more sense; why would he want to take off just Saber's pants, after all?

Nonetheless, the uneasiness of Caster's heart wouldn't leave. Temporarily postponing the mission to retrieve Lancer, Caster resolved to see the truth with her own eyes.

It didn't take long for Caster to figure out where Saber was, and it took even less time to meet her; Saber had been heading to the office, which Caster had been originally going to begin with. It was then her fears were confirmed - without a doubt that was the same kind of uniform Shirou had been wearing this morning.

It still looked good on her... or rather, him, Caster reminded herself. In Caster's mind, there were precious few things in this world that would look bad on Saber. However...

Unacceptable. It was still completely unacceptable.

"Saber," Caster said, barely able to keep her anger from leaking into her voice. "Why... why are you wearing pants?"

"Oh, Caster," Saber said, blinking as he spotted his fellow servant. "What are you doing here?" he asked, apparently missing Caster's question.

Caster narrowed her eyes, throwing Saber momentarily off balance. Then, when she was sure she had his attention, she repeated her question again.

**"Why are you wearing pants?"**

Again, Saber blinked, before laughing weakly. "Ah... about that," Saber said cautiously, sensing that Caster was acting strange. "Well, you see... you gave me the wrong potion..."

"And?" Caster said, tapping her foot, as though that wasn't an acceptable explanation at all.

"And I'm a guy now?"

"And?" Apparently, that wasn't an acceptable explanation either.

"...and it's wrong for guys to be wearing girl's clothing?" Saber tried, in case Caster hadn't made the connection.

"Not at all!" Caster frowned; really, Saber of all people should understand the appeal of crossdressing. "Seriously, what would even give you such a stupid idea?"

"If clothes were meant to be worn by anybody, we wouldn't assign them by gender," Saber pointed out.

"That's what makes it moe, though," Caster said, impatiently. "Besides - I distinctly remember you going out in a girl's uniform anyway. What happened to that?"

"Oh, that," Saber said, even as he wondered what this "moe" was. "Rider said she needed it and gave me this."

XXX

Rider...

That traitor. She was the one that promised Caster the opportunity to see a cute girl in a sailor uniform in the first place. To think that Rider would be the one to take that dream away...

That was a betrayal of the highest order.

Angrily, she stomped towards the rooftop where she had detected Rider with her magic. As she walked up the staircases, she thought about what she would do when she got her hands on Rider. There was a lot she wanted to say - a few things she wanted to yell, and with so little time before class actually started she knew she would have to pick and choose.

...however, when she kicked the door to the roof open, none of the words came out. Instead, she could only stare at the scene in shock - the image of a tanned girl draped in clothes far too large for her burning into Caster's eyes. It was only when her original target - Rider - spoke up that she remembered why she came here.

"Oh, it's only you, Caster."

"You scared me for a moment," Shirou said with a sigh of relief, apparently here as well. "But wait, weren't you going to go get Lancer?"

Caster looked at Rider who was already facing her, though only for a moment. Her eyes immediately went to the girl that had caught her attention, examining the her closely. There was something familiar about her to Caster - though Caster was sure she would've remembered such a moe moe girl.

"What is it?" The brown girl scowled - and in that instant everything fell into place.

"That's... Archer, isn't it?" Caster asked.

Rider nodded.

"I see..."

Caster closed her eyes, thinking deeply for a few moments. In the end, she couldn't completely forgive Rider for taking away Saber's panty shots, but math never lied; two moe moe characters were greater than one.

"Rider... good job."

XXX

The last thing Archer needed was for Caster to show up and encourage Rider's antics. Really, could things get any worse?

"Rider... is that from my closet?"

"Yes."

"Perfect!"

"That's it!" Archer stomped her foot, refusing to let the two women do with her as they pleased. "I am not letting you guys use me as a dress-up doll!"

"Oh?" Rider tilted her head. "But it's not like you have any choice. You already summoned your servant clothes... and you saw how that turned out."

Caster nodded. "It's true," she said, a conspiring smile on her face. "Don't worry - I have a sailor uniform here that would be perfect for you. You're a transfer student anyway, so you can just say it came from your old school."

Archer crossed her arms, forming an X above her head. "No - absolutely not. Never. Not going to do it."

"Be reasonable," Shirou said, looking at his watch. "There's not much time left... and you really, really need to put on some clothes. You can't just run around naked in school."

"Be reasonable?" Archer repeated, laughing at how wrong that sounded coming from Shirou. "What about this situation is reasonable at all?"

"Well, it's not like you could just, I don't know, magic clothes out of thin air, right?"

"No, I guess not." Archer sighed, and resigned herself to her fate. Then she blinked. "Wait - what did you say I couldn't do?"

"Run around naked in school?"

"No - after that."

"...magic clothes out of nowhere?"

Archer smiled. "Well... as it turns out, I can do that."

"I meant other clothes," Shirou said wearily, looking back at the boxers that still seemed strangely familiar. "Ones that fit."

"So did I."

Shirou blinked - but before he could tell Archer she wasn't making any sense he had to close his eyes. He had to; just as quickly as she had summoned them, Archer had sent the shirt that had been barely protecting her modesty away - along with the rest of her outfit. "That's not getting dressed! That's the opposite of getting dressed!"

Archer rolled her eyes. "Of course. To put clothes on, sometimes you need to take others off."

"...what?" Shirou said.

Archer didn't answer her younger self. Instead, she focused on the uniforms that Caster and Rider were wearing, engraving the image of them into her mind. Then, with a few alterations, she began to weave a new outfit around her outfit - not with a thread and needle, but with magic.

"Trace on," she whispered, even as she wondered why she hadn't thought of this before.

It didn't appear instantly. The uniform wasn't something he had committed to memory before - and considering he needed to make a few changes he could only go layer by layer, inch by inch. To make sure it actually fit, she even had to move around a bit - stretching a little to make sure it would hold up under normal movement. The clothes did appear, however, albeit in a flashier display than she had intended (for some reason, there had even been a gust of wind in the middle of it), but in the end, she was now as dressed properly for school as Caster and Rider were. Maybe a little more, considering that she didn't have a blindfold on her head.

With a triumphant grin, Archer looked to Caster and Rider. She expected them to be disappointed; after all, they wouldn't be able to dress her up now that she was fully clothed now. Instead...

"S-sparkles?"

She took a step back. For some reason, Caster's eyes were shining, and Rider... she was wiping her mouth with her sleeve for some reason.

"That was amazing," Caster said in an excited tone.

"What was amazing?" Shirou asked, still not daring to open his eyes.

"A perfect magical girl transformation if I had ever seen one," Rider said, nodding in approval.

"You two..." Archer face palmed. "Couldn't you have at least pretended to be disappointed? For my sake?"

"Why would we be disappointed?" Rider asked. "I mean, there will be plenty of times to dress you up later."

"No, there won't."

"Yes," Rider said, a tone of finality in her voice. "There will."

"..."

Archer sighed. It would be impossible to keep Rider from trying something like this again. In the end, Archer would just have to remain vigilant against her from now on.

"By the way," Archer said, looking at Caster. "Apparently, you were going to go pick up Lancer?"

"Oh, that," Caster said, with a wave of dismissal. "I'm sure he'll be just fine."

XXX

"I'm telling you, it's not what it looks like!" Lancer said, pounding his hand on the desk.

The stone faced teacher didn't seem to believe him, though he didn't say as much. Instead, he raised a doubtful brow in response to Lancer's statement. "Is that so... then tell me, what was it? What explanation do you have for trying to sexually harass another student?"

"I wasn't trying that at all!" Lancer said. "Okay, technically that was harassment, and sure I could see how it could get sexual... but I'm telling you, I'm not a pervert!"

Suddenly, someone behind him laughed. "Is that so?" a familiar voice said, sending chills down Lancer's spine as she spoke. "That's not the impression you gave to me yesterday."

"Yesterday?" The teacher's brow went higher... but Lancer had stopped paying attention to him, instead turning around to confirm what he had already known.

"...Ilyasviel!" Lancers pupils went wide.

This was bad. This was very bad. What was she even doing here in the first place? Any moment now, Berserker could burst through the walls and attack him, or worse...

"Really," the girl said, pressing a finger to her lips, smiling devilishly at the legendary spirit. "Forcefully taking liberties with a pure maiden in the park against her will... how can you say you aren't a pervert, _Onii-san_?"

...she could do something like that.

Lancer knew he had to warn the others. He knew he had to tell them that Ilya - and possibly Berserker - was here. They wouldn't be safe if he did nothing.

However, there was something even more important that he had to deal with first.

"I know what it looks like," Lancer said to the teacher, though he dared not turn around and face him. "And I'm telling you...

"I really am not a pervert!"


End file.
